AIBU to stop my mother seeing DD

[rhardwick945]

So.. long story short. And for anyone who's read the Stately Homes thread, you'll get a picture of my childhood and early adulthood. Essentially a controlling, emotionally abusive and affection short childhood which finally came to a conclusion when I cut off ties in my early 30s.

My mother hasn't tried to contact me for 9 years.

Suddenly, I now have something shes interested in, my DD. So, out of nowhere I get a phonecall that they want to see her. (Yes, I'm well thank you.) So we agree to meet up with my dad to talk through my reasons why I don't want to meet mum and so he can meet DD. Meet goes well and it's lovely to see my dad. Agree to meet up again. Then we get a text, from mum obviously which is nasty to say the least, whilst masking a fake apology, 'im sorry you feel this way but you did x and y when you were a child' . Yes she did.

So my OH at this point can't quite believe what she's said and now doesn't want her to have anything to do with our daughter. (I've always had this stance) and we tell them that sadly because of the unacceptable message we would prefer it if they stay away.

Except then we get a random message out of the blue. How is DD. Is she walking yet, can you send us a pic? No how are you?

Am I right to say if you can't be bothered to take an interest in me and my life that you definitely don't get to have a piece of my daughter's life?

Stick to your guns, you know this will end badly if you try to rebuild the relationship.

She hasn’t changed, then! No good can come of this. If you can keep up a relationship with your dad without your mum being involved, lovely. But you are absolutely right to keep your DD away from her.

Agree with the above. I love how adults blame children for lack of adult behaviour then hold it against them for years.

Stick to your guns.

Yanbu, parents should love their DC unconditionally, not bring up x and y transgressions from childhood to justify going NC. Don't bestow your mum's fucked up thinking onto your DD.

Thanks all. Your resounding support is welcome. It would be lovely to see my dad but the likelihood is that she'll control that too and it's really difficult to see my dad in such a rock and a hard place situation. Leopards dont change their spots and nor do emotionally abusive and toxic parents. Door is closed !

I love how adults blame children for lack of adult behaviour then hold it against them for years.

My DPs do this sometimes, mostly my DF, but the rest of the time we get on alright and they're great to my DH, and do loads for us on a practical level, they just seem to have been really unable to cope with me and my siblings adolescence. I can't forgive them for some things but I can move on appreciate that things are much better now I'm an adult.

Anyway, in your situation I can understand why you don't want your DM to see your DD and if you and DH both agree then I don't think you would be unreasonable.

I can relate and YANBU.

I withdrew from my family while having therapy to finally deal with some really screwed up stuff from my childhood.

To cut a long story short - my parents practised very poor sexual boundaries and were neglectful to the point of me coming to serious harm.

I finally raised this with them this year. They refused to discuss any of their behaviour. Told everyone I was having a mental health breakdown and now send presents in the post to my DC as if they can maintain some kind of relationship with them whilst acting as though I don't exist

It's hard, I know. Really, really hard. Because if you are anything like me there will be a part of you that just wants them to change and to have normal parents.

But people who blame children for their own failings are not safe or good to have around .

According to my parents it wasn't their fault they left me alone with my questionably behaved abuser while they spent nights in the pub. It was my fault for not saying anything. Of course.

Stay strong, definitely don't re-initiate contact now if you've escaped them all these years.

It wouldn't surprise me if your mother is just enjoying playing the poor, estranged grandmother role for kicks.

Block her.

Delete

Block

DO NOT feel guilty

I agree with others to remain NC with her.
Are your parents together? If so, then I would go careful with your DF too as he must also take some responsibility for allowing your mother to treat you so badly.

Sounds to me like she's thinking fresh meat to emotionally abuse like she did to you. Avoid. Block. You are doing the right thing. Xx

Yep, I agree with everyone else. Block!

My DP and his sis had an awful childhood yet they still maintain contact so they can see their DC. I have to endure the MIL once a month and watch her drunkenly favouring one child over all others, whilst telling one to 'fuck off', then making a big roast dinner to show how wonderful she is. It makes me sick. DP went through years of counselling to come to terms with his childhood, but he still chooses to see this vile woman. I won't even let DD meet his father!

I think you're absolutely right not to allow your mother to have contact with your DD, there's no evidence at all that she's changed from when her DCs were growing up. And I would also be careful about trusting your DF, as he's still with her. Supervised contact only, if you feel it's beneficial to your DD to have contact with her DGF.

Stick to your guns, OP, you've seen firsthand the damage done to your DP and his DSis.

YADNBU you are protecting your daughter from the emotional abuse which you suffered.

I am nc with my dm. She tried to contact my dd through a friend. I left her a vm threatening to see a solicitor if she kept trying to see dd behind my back. Dd was a vulnerable teen and open to financial persuasion. Not to mention emotional pressure. Still nc 17 years later and adult dc don't want to see her either. She accepts she was a shit dm and holds no interest to her dgc. Protect your dc op, it's your job!!

So much support and sad to see how many people have such poor relationships / toxic parents too.

However agree you are all right and each one of you has said something that has struck a chord so thank you for taking the time to respond.

thefugitive your comment 'It wouldn't surprise me if your mother is just enjoying playing the poor, estranged grandmother role for kicks' is 100% spot on. She's spent the last 9 or so years telling anyone who will listen that I'm the terrible daughter who treats her mother like crap. She even stalked a friend of mine she never even met after seeing pictures of us at our wedding claiming 'for reasons unbeknownst to me.. we are estranged' but then doesn't ask for anything. She just obviously enjoys trying to make me look like the asshole. Seriously f* up. Argh! Toxic parents. Ironically, we did also visit a lot of stately homes growing up. :/