partner's drug use a deal breaker

[happygolulu]

Feeling a bit low this xmas as ended relationship with partner not long ago. He was doing cocaine on a weekly basis, his family did not know. He's 41. However, I lost my mother and my father is very ill. I was having a tough time and my partner was not stepping up. His family (mother, aunts) all kept having a pop at me that I wasn't coping, should have counselling etc, but what they didn't know was that I was exhausted from all the running around and DP doing cocaine along with heavy drinking and not lifting a finger to help me. After one dig too many about me not coping, I told his family the truth. And that the cocaine made him rude and agressive. I ended the relationship but his family have just stopped talking to me and he and I are NC which I have found very hard and sad. I thought he would quit, he was desperate to quit smoking too. I feel a fool, that it was a deal breaker as soon as I found out but I didn't act then. Would this be a deal breaker for anyone else? I was surprised his family stopped talking to me and didn't apologise for his behaviour!

I think most people would have that as a deal-breaker and would have got out as soon as they knew. That was your mistake which you now know you won't make again

So sorry this had happened to you op.
It's really really hard to have a relationship with someone who uses or is addicted to coke or any substance.
You have done the right thing. I know it feels shit now, but you deserve a future with a partner who can put his emotional energy into you , not into his drug use.

It sounds like his family have shot the messenger. They may come round, they may not,, but try to look for other places to get your needs for contact and support met. Friends, work, support groups, whatever works for you.
Desperate times can be good for finding out more an about yourself. When my first husband died I admitted to myself that I'd always been interested in spirituality ( which till then I'd thought was desperately uncool), I found a Buddhist centre and learned I meditate. That was 26 years ago, and meditation is still really important to me, and it's a big part of my coping strategy. Obviously it will be something different for you, but give yourself permission to try stuff you've always been quietly interested in.
Hope you find some solutions. Stay strong, stay out of contact with him.

thank you Ohyesiam. I'm sorry that you have been through a difficult experience too. I have started meditating which has been a big help. Comforting and giving me strength in myself.

It would be a deal breaker for me too. His family have probably gone silent because they're in shock or denial. I would hope they would also be mortified about how they have treated you, but I wouldn't bank on it.
I think you are best of out of it. Be kind to yourself and enjoy the freedom.

I think that the cocaine is not that relevant tbh
He wasn’t lifting a finger to help, criticising you etc etc. That is not simply due to cocaine. He’s not a good partner for life

Yes, I wouldn't be in a serious relationship with someone who used drugs or drank regularly/to excess. Not as the child of an addict (who died in front of me). No judgment on those who make those decisions at all, but it's not something I want in my relationship or family.

Sounds like you took a gamble hoping he'd choose you, the fact he chose the coke says it all about his commitment to you/dependency on the drug. I'm so sorry you're hurting but in time I think you'll see you made the right choice. Xx

I'm very sorry you lost your mother 💛 I lost mine and it's so hard. I hope you are surrounded by people who love you. You need and deserve all the support in the world.

Also it's easy to say but try not to sweat his family, families close ranks on exes as soon as a relationship ends the majority of times, it's not even usually personal. Most families of in laws can make you feel a part of the family but quickly turn their back once the relationship breaks down. In the long run you'll stop caring about them and be glad of no continued reminder of this ex.

“I was surprised his family stopped talking to me and didn't apologise for his behaviour!”

Given how unsupportive they were it’s not a great leap that they chose to ghost you. In addition, they are no more responsible for his behaviour as you were, so no, they don’t need to apologise for his behaviour.

Grieve both the relationship with him and his family but the truth is you deserved better.

It doesn't matter what his family think and feel. What's important is that you've spilt up from him, because he knew coke use was a dealbreaker for you but he wouldn't stop. So you've done the right thing.

Ignore his family, ignore him, ignore the whole silly mess. Move on. Find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. It's not him.

Thank you everyone. There were other issues too. I was trying to put in a new kitchen before Christmas (It's my house I've owned for years) and he just wasn't showing any willingness to help even though he wanted us to have a big Xmas and his family and friends here. He was shouting me down, telling me what did I know about kitchens. I was paying for it all too. He felt more like a lodger who wanted all the nice stuff about living together (sit on sofa watch tv all weekend with dog) but non of the hard work.