Terrible row. He said I was fat, he’d “shagged around” during the first couple of years we were together and he was happier without me.

[smithssquarecrisps]

He’s now asleep on the sofa after he told me the above and lots of other lovely information.

My first husband was a violent controlling bastard and this one is just as bad, but in different ways.

I earn peanuts and can’t realistically get a better job. I feel like my life is pointless.

And I’ve got a son who has mental health problems and other difficulties and I can’t afford to look after him financially. I am a failure in every way possible.

No you’re not, but some men are very good at making women believe that. Who owns the house? Can you get rid of him?

Get rid of him and get into counselling to work on your self esteem. You don't deserve this.

It’s rented in joint names but I can’t afford it on my own. I looked at a flat before Christmas but then lost my bottle because I just feel worn down by everything.

I suspect that I know how you can get rid of 16 stone of unwanted fat (bastard) overnight.

How old is your son?

Can you move in with family for now?

What a cock.
If you were looking before Christmas then I assume you have figured out you could afford somewhere without him? In which case build your confidence and make a plan to leave. Doesn't have to be tomorrow but you don't need to stay with someone who treats you like that.
I'm angry on your behalf. As another poster said, you don't deserve this

You are a ballhair away from getting out of this horrible life and having a beautiful blank canvas

You CAN DO THIS.

YOU ARE ENOUGH

How? I’ve just sat here thinking what a shit person I must be to attract people who want to destroy me emotionally. What started the row was that my son accidentally smashed a bottle in the kitchen by knocking it off the worktop. This was followed by massive amount of eye rolling and huffing by “D”H. I said it was an accident. Apparently I’m overly defensive about my son which makes him angry.

My son is 13. I thought I could afford the flat and then I frightened myself out of doing it. I used to be strong but I’m sick of being strong. My family are all abroad or dead and my mother is now friends with my ex husband despite the fact that he threatened to shoot me when we split up. The police were worried enough to put a panic button in my house so they obviously took it seriously.

There's nothing you did to deserve being treated badly.

And I’ve got a son who has mental health problems and other difficulties and I can’t afford to look after him financially. I am a failure in every way possible.

Please don't think this. And don't let feeling like this leave you feeling stuck with him, there is a lot of help out there, if you are on a low income you will be entitled to help with your rent and probably tax credits to bump up your income.

If you could find somewhere for you and your son to stay temporarily perhaps you could save for the deposit for a rental (some councils can also loan/grant this). There is a great website you can go onto and work out exactly what you would be entitled to if you choose to leave.

tbh, it's probably low self esteem that means you think this is the best you can do. :(

Would it help you be stronger if you thought of this situation as a chance to show your son that he also deserves better?

That's shocking that your mum is friends with your ex! Sounds like you have suffered for a while from a lack of emotional support, starting with from her.

He sounds rancid

Remember that there are some guys who make a career out of finding the right, vulnerable, woman, making her feel great and then taking pleasure in destroying them.

It's not a curse you have on yourself, nor is something you deserve.

I don't know what support you could expect but my first rational thought is to find out in detail what sort of life you could have.

You deserve better than this.

I’m just so worn out with it all. I walked away from my ex with virtually nothing. DS was a baby then. I struggled financially for years bringing him up. I didn’t live with H until five years ago. The last time we had one of these rows was March. He told me he hated me then too and the reason we had a registry office wedding was because he didn’t really want to marry me. That’s also the reason I got a £50 engagement ring. It’s not the money. I don’t care about that. It’s feeling unsafe emotionally and not being loved that upsets me.

My mother. She’s another story. We’re no contact after I found out that she lied about where my dad is buried. There’s obviously a lot more to it but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I don’t have anyone I can rely on or talk to.

You deserve so much better than this. You are enough.

Only someone very small, weak minded and twisted would feel the need to be so cruel - you are worth more than he can ever be.

He sounds like a cruel man. You can get away from him, you can get through it. It will be hard initially but long term it will be much easier to live free of his contempt and abuse. You deserve that and your son needs and deserves that. Put him first and let that be the push to get you both away from this nasty man.

You're not a shit person. If the dynamic between you and your mother was toxic then unfortunately men controlling/disapproving of you is a familiar dynamic. It happened to me. I think I've recovered financially and emotionally! You can too and you can FORGIVE yourself! That should be number one. Forgive yourself for finding a disfunctional dynamic familiar. It's like the cornerstone of psychotherapy isn't it, so you're not alone.

Oh OP, not so much practical advice to give but just offering a virtual hug. Your mother sounds massively emotionally abusive and apparently continues to undermine you. Sadly, it can make you more vulnerable for a certain emotionally abusive type. You actually sound very strong to carry so much on your shoulders while someone is chipping away at your core in your own home.