I had a wonderful Christmas this year. My son, aged 23 and I went out on Christmas Eve for drinks in our local music pub. Everyone from the area where we live was there, (we've lived here for 24 years) including some people that I have cut out of my life after the breakdown of my relationship with my son's father when he took up with a woman (my then friend) and the hell of relationship ending and the discovery of betrayal unfolded. My son was 3 when it all happened.
At the event a woman with whom I had once been close but who told me I should be happy for my ex that he was in love and I should just get over myself when I was at my lowest, came over to chat. My son had a chat with her and I put on my coat to leave, ds stood up with me and said. "Hey mum, I totally get why you don't want to engage with xx, I hope you're ok with me having a quick chat- and gave me a huge hug". On the way home he told me that he and his step brother (OW's son, same age-just days between them) had been talking about their lives and had reflected on how hard it must have been for me over all the years.
We got home and his step brother joined us for supper. We talked and acknowledged that my son's SB is also part of my family, he and I hugged and had a little cry. It was very moving.
20 years ago people said "the kids will grow up and they will know what their parents did- they will understand your pain" and at the time I didn't believe them. But it was true, two lovely 23 year old young men, told me I was lovely and my anger (then) was understandable and that I'd done a great job of getting on with my life. It was probably the most moving moment in my life apart from the birth of my son, to hear her son tell me I was great and he felt part of my family.
Why am I telling you all this? Because I want people who are struggling with messy families to know it can and usually does get better. That our children are not blind, they see and they understand and there are unexpected silver linings that could never be seen when faced with the awfulness of betrayal and loss. Keep on keeping on everyone. Things get better. Happy new year everyone.