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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Found a lovely new man but something's not right...

23 replies

Polly46219 · 27/12/2017 15:43

I posted on here exactly a year go today as my husband walked out - he'd been seeing a woman at his work. They are still together. We have a 3 year old son who lives with me 5 days of the week. Back in October, I met a guy on a night out (through work friends) and we've been dating ever since. He's 18 years my junior (I'm 47) and has no children. He is such a lovely person: ever so kind, considerate, gentle, romantic and I think is probably a bit more into me than I am him - and there lies the problem. He is everything 'on paper' I've always wanted yet something doesn't feel right and I cannot put my finger on it. One of the things I feel when I'm with him is extreme guilt when my son is with his Dad. I almost feel like I shouldn't be enjoying myself and allowing myself to indulge. I also miss my son very much that it kind of spoils my time with the new guy. My son has only met the new guy once (at a play place) and that felt weird as well. He insists on paying for everything, takes me out for meals and he bought me some lovely Christmas presents. He says he loves everything about me; I feel like I could never do anything wrong. He loves me in my PJs looking a mess first thing (trust me, I look hideous) and he says he just wants to look after me. I see him once or twice a week and that is enough at the moment - I get the impression he'd like to see me every day! Do you think I'm feeling weird about stuff because it's probably too soon? My ex-H and I have only just finished mediation so the divorce won't be sorted for a couple of months yet. We have to sell the family home and my son and I have got to find somewhere else to live. I don't think new guy understands the enormity of all this and the affect the upheaval is going to have on myself and my son - not just logistically but mentally as well. Even as I'm writing this I'm thinking I should end things with new guy and just focus on myself and my son. I'd be grateful for any opinions or advice - I am so mixed up :-(

OP posts:

chatty1234 · 27/12/2017 15:47

I think you should relax and enjoy this guy. You've a lot going on but deserve me time too.

SingSam · 27/12/2017 15:48

you are enjoying yourself and feeling guilty for it

stop it right now and just enjoy it for what it is! You are entitled to have fun and that's what it is...!

I understand that feeling when your children aren't with you. I had that for a while and it does take some time before you start actually enjoying that free time. You aren't there yet but you will get there.

ILookedintheWater · 27/12/2017 15:49

So he's 29 and looking to settle down with a 'forever' partner and you are 47 and wary.

Enjoy the moment, acknowledge that it probably won't last, and do not under any circumstances let him move in when your equity is freed up and you get your own place.

LemonShark · 27/12/2017 15:50

I think you're just not feeling it with this guy and scrabbling to find a proper 'excuse' for your lack of interest in him. Common after ending a long relationship. You can tell him it's not working for you and you wish him well, you know. There doesn't have to be a reason beyond you don't want to see him anymore.

If this had legs you wouldn't be asking here. You want to want him as he's perfect on paper but the feelings just aren't there.

That's okay!

Branleuse · 27/12/2017 15:53

i think you should enjoy it but keep your head screwed on too.

Squeegle · 27/12/2017 15:58

Yeah, take it slowly, all sounds good. But there is something that is holding you back. Probably the age gap, you feel like why does a 29 year old want to settle down with someone older? Well, it is not at all unheard of, but the age gap is usually the other way round and so you are bemused. Just see how it goes, enjoy it - but keep listening to your gut feeling, see how it evolves.

expatinscotland · 27/12/2017 16:20

I disagree with 'enjoy it' because well, you're not. You've got a lot going on and it sounds like you want some space to focus on yourself and your son, actually, it doesn't just sound like it, you said it yourself.

' he says he just wants to look after me. I see him once or twice a week and that is enough at the moment - I get the impression he'd like to see me every day! '

This would put me off. The only people I went out with who said this, well, it didn't end so well.

You have a lot going on right now, and your heart and head are telling you to give yourself some space for that.

You're not mixed up. You're just not listening to yourself. Start doing that! It's fine to want space to deal with big upheavals and it's definitely fine to be in that space on your own.

Josuk · 27/12/2017 17:31

OP - it’s great that you are letting yourself to enjoy life. And I think you need to let yourself be and continue doing that.

However - what doesn’t feel right is that you do know deep inside that this is not a sustainable relationship.
Which is totally fine in your stage of life/divorce, etc

Good luck! Nothing like a 29yo to get over a H who walked out on you!!!!

ClareB83 · 27/12/2017 17:38

I agree with @expatinscotland there's something not right with "wanting to look after you". You're a grown woman and a parent, you don't need a 29 year old to look after you.

Your instincts are saying something isn't right so it probably isn't.

oliveinacampervan · 27/12/2017 17:46

@Polly46219

There are so many red flags here, and he sounds clingy, possessive, and odd.

Have you heard of love-bombing? It's weird, and it's creepy, and it's what THIS sounds like.

'I wanna look after you.' What are you, a lost, wounded puppy FFS?

He insists on paying for everything, takes me out for meals and he bought me some lovely Christmas presents. He says he loves everything about me; I feel like I could never do anything wrong. He loves me in my PJs looking a mess first thing (trust me, I look hideous) and he says he just wants to look after me. I see him once or twice a week and that is enough at the moment - I get the impression he'd like to see me every day!

All of the above makes me cringe sorry OP.

A man like this would have me running for the hills.

lizzieoak · 27/12/2017 17:54

Personally I would not chuck him just yet. If he’s a sweet as you say, give it a bit more time, take it at your own pace. Frankly, it’s not like single men are falling off the trees at our feet when we’re middle aged with kids. If your gut says to end it then do, but if your gut is waffling then hang on.

As far as wanting to take care of you, fuck, I’d be up for that! After 10+ years of no one so much as making me a cup of tea in the morning, is that so terrible? I’d love someone to take care of, and to take care of me in return. It could just mean the man is not a Type A wanker style bloke, but a more nurturing person. And it’s fairly normal to want to spend time with your romantic partner - it’s because you make him feel happy. Don’t rush into a decision is two pennies worth.

RhubarbTea · 27/12/2017 18:14

I agree with olive, I mean it may be too soon and you are still grieving about not getting to see your child every day, but I think the not feeling right is not related to any of that. It's your instincts telling you that he might be a bit iffy. I would be running for the hills too, TBH.

pumpkinpie5 · 27/12/2017 18:20

I was in exactly the same situation as you (bar the age gap)and I ended it. It was a massive relief when I did.it just didn't feel right. I am still single and have my dd and I have no regrets at all. Things that have transpired about him since have just confirmed u made the right decision.

HipNewName · 27/12/2017 18:24

I agree with Olive - it could all be red flags for being controlling.

If you enjoy your time with him, continue to see him when you want, but don't allow the relationship to progress, DONT MOVE IN WITH HIM, and don't let your lives become more entwined.

If you are going to keep him around, keep him at arms length.

Maelstrop · 27/12/2017 18:24

Hmm, I just don’t think you’re into him.

JollyGiraffe · 27/12/2017 18:24

Enjoy it! He sounds lovely. No need to feel guilty!

Onedayhey · 27/12/2017 18:26

It could well be you need some space and time on your own. I was all up for dating and meeting someone when I first separated but like you I had dc, divorce and a house to sell and it was easier to be on my own tbh.

Bouledeneige · 27/12/2017 18:36

Trust your gut. I agree with Olive that 'I want to look after you' is creepy.
You don't need looking after, you need your freedom, independence and space. And to do whats right for you and for your son.

You shouldn't put all your eggs in this basket - don't neglect friends and new hobbies and enjoying your freedom. Don't get him involved with your son or moving in. If it works, fine but if its unsettling you, then trust your gut and get some space.

BackInTheRoom · 27/12/2017 18:37

At this stage in life and in the light of what happened, I'd want to look after myself thank you! 👍

Ellisandra · 27/12/2017 18:39

I'm cringing too.
Very similar age to you, and don't need a man young enough to be my child "looking after me". Don't need a man of any age looking after me, but it would feel especially ridiculous coming from a 29yo
Is he a bit... inept? And saying what he thinks he's supposed to say?

I expect it's just run its course for you.
But that said, regardless of him you shouldn't feel guilty for having fun when you're not with your son. Maybe some counselling would help, if that feeling persists?

IHaveBrilloHair · 27/12/2017 18:44

I agree with Expat, and others.
You are not in the right place for this, the fact you miss your son so much too is not good in this scenario.

PuertoVallarta · 27/12/2017 20:02

I say enjoy it.

But keep in mind it's early days and he is still in the throes of puppy love. It will wear off eventually and then you'll see whether there's a real relationship there.

Don't get too addicted to the compliments. Younger men can say and do impulsive things in the beginning.

TDHManchester · 27/12/2017 20:15

It sounds a bit suffocating. I'd end it.

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