fucking stupid games.

[ginandlime]

I have always had a strict rule. £100 per child at Christmas. So, you may have more, less, bigger, smaller, but everyone has the same amount spent. This is important to me and to the DC.
So took two of three dc to see their father today. Dc are adults with difficulties. Ds2 went along with dd2. DS1 has spent time in a mental health crisis unit this year having had a complete nervous breakdown, and is under Cahms. Dd1 at uni. They also picked up Dd2s presents. DD2 also under Cahms. Much of this due to his behaviours. The first two got some nice things, along with photos etc. Probably spent around £50 quid each. Dd2, who has had a rough start to the year but is well looked after had about £250 spent on her. She is the one that lives on the doorstep but doesn't visit. The message came back that she'd had a shit year and deserved some extra. Dd1 just finds it amusing, Dd2 feels really bloody guilty and ds1 is really upset.
This is all a fucking game for control to him, arsehole! Divide and conquer the kids now, it seems. Bastard!

Unfortunately, this is your Christmas rule and he doesn't have to abide by it.

My ex is sort of similar - DD had about £500 spent on her but DS had nothing because he didn't want to go over there

DD felt really guilty coming back with so much

Unfortunately, this is your Christmas rule and he doesn't have to abide by it

Yep ^^ I don’t thinm I could live with such a rule. I wouldn’t like the kids totting up the cost of stuff like that

Your DD could share out some of her gifts or return them and give her siblings the balance. That's what I would have done as a teen under those circumstances.

She's going to sell the biggest one and divide the money up.

Oh, that's really sweet :) So, rather than divide and conquer, he's actually reinforced their sibling solidarity. Good for DD2.

Yeah my exH did not get oldest DC anything. He's a lovely man (not).

I'm from a large family, none of us ever questioned how much was spent on us comparative to others. Your son is only upset because you've made such a huge deal out of it and now you've guilted your daughter into selling her present.

Did you ever consider that maybe he thought she needed something special given her recent issues? They don't need to be treated equally all the time.

Just because you spend an exact amount on each doesn't mean their dad should. Not everybody judges a present by the cost of it. Often we buy for what a person will like or need and that can vary.

I feel for your guilt tripped daughter having to sell her present. I don't believe for a second she's doing that because she wants to.

It doesn't take much totting up if one child gets an Xbox game and the other gets a laptop.

Op have you told them it's okay if they don't want him in their lives anymore?

Thanks for your input Bruel. I haven't guilt tripped anybody, but just so that we can get things really clear, they're father is an abusive arse. He has a diagnosis of BPD. He is manipulative and controlling and is using this to divide. I didn't comment on the presents to my adult and not by any means stupid children. Did I ever consider that he thought she'd need something given her recent issues? The issues that he caused? Yeah, I did, when she was in hospital last in November last year, not knowing if she'd make it through the night. When she was in again in December last year, not knowing if she'd make it through the night. As I yet again steri stitched her wrists last month. Every week when I take her to therapy. Then I think about her brother, who as I said spent time in a mental health unit not so long ago. Too scared to tell his father, whilst I drove the 250 miles to be with him. I take him to therapy too.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is don't make assumptions, if you have questions, ask them. I was bullied for over 20 years, ain't happening now by strangers on the net.

Fair enough, from your last post I can understand your anger towards him and why this would be an issue. Context is everything I suppose.

My ex lacks the formal diagnosis but plays the same stupid shit mind games. I'm sure you will ignore the stupid on this thread OP, just as you stepped away from your toxic ex.

Thank you, Bruel.

Why didn't you say all that in your first post???

Just angry at the time and getting it out. It's all odd and messy and he's also given them stuff that puts him back into the house in an odd way, photos that he's said he wants them to put up and stuff. I have cPTSD so this is really quite nasty stuff.

Thank you bastardkitty.
NottheFord, we're getting there slowly, this is the first time ds has been in a year, dd1 has been five or six times and dd2 three or four. They're all in their twenties and have to make these decisions themselves. They know I will support them whatever their decisions.

It just unsettles everyone for a while, as he tries to get his tentacles into your life. That is everything you can do - support them to find their own ways to deal with him. Have you got support?

It does, bastardkitty, it's also me constantly picking up the pieces. I've been up half the night with dd2, despite her having had medication, she was so stressed it overrode it. She self harms too, so we're having to keep an extra eye. Mind, I wouldn't have slept anyway, it's fucking creepy the way he's trying to insinuate himself back into the house with pictures etc. It's all about control, isn't it. Always was and he's still doing it. Git!
With regard to support, I have one or two really wonderful and supportive friends.

Glad you have those friends. Have you had any therapy? It sounds like you have a ton of responsibility on your shoulders. Do you and your DCs know about the outofthefog website? It's brilliant.

Been looking at the website, thank you!