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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not looking forward to dh coming home

10 replies

Incognito35 · 27/12/2017 11:39

As I said really, had a nice Christmas with my Mum and noticed yesterday he was getting quiet and not really talking to me, the reason is probably (from past experience) he was tierd (not convinced) or its because he didn't feel I gave him enough attention over Xmas (more likely).

We have been together over 20 years and whenever he is annoyed me he blanks me, it used to upset me but now I think I'm numb to it, hate it because it causes an atmosphere at home and we have DC.
I've been progressively unhappy for the last year, I can't really say exactly why I'm feel like I'm getting worn down we have this cycle where when he feels he isn't getting enough affection he strops, we have a chat and agree to make more effort on our relationship and then find ourselves in the same place a few months later.

I am off sex ATM and have honesty been off it a few years (being brutal I don't fancy him anymore) but did it to keep the peace, I've stopped doing that as much the last few months which has caused tension but I can't keep on doing it anymore, I just resent it. He has made it clear no sex in our marriage means no marriage. Last discussion seperation got brought up (again, every time we have this discussion-well texting! He says if things don't improve we should separate) he said he would quit his job and go to his mums (over 4 hours away and he doesn't drive! So would never see the kids).

He has been out of work more than in the last 7 years and think I have lost respect for him, I wrote a list of good and bad points a while ago, struggled with any good!

My question is has anyone been in this position, is it worth trying councilling (if he agrees?) I think if we didn't have kids I would be gone .

OP posts:

Branleuse · 27/12/2017 11:50

doesnt sound like you like him anymore. Im not sure if you can counsell someoneone into liking/loving their partner again.

userxx · 27/12/2017 11:50

I think your marriage is over. Counselling can be helpful in some situations but it sounds like you've fallen out of love with him and I don't think any amount of counselling can bring that back.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/12/2017 11:52

So... you would go to counselling thinking that the process might help you agree that your kids need an unhappy mum and so you must stay in your relationship?

If you think it is dead and done then you have every right to put an end to it. You will then be able to offer your kids a happy mum... as well as being free of a man you no longer respect, or like, I think!

AFistfulOfDolores · 27/12/2017 12:37

I agree that your marriage is over in all but name, and that your own feelings are telling you this clearly. Perhaps it's worth paying attention to them?

Original poster

Incognito35 · 27/12/2017 12:56

Thank you for your replies, I honestly don't know what holds me back from calling time, we get on OK day to day mostly and I wasn't brought up to leave a marriage, I worry about the kids being OK and how they would cope and it would effect them,mostly I worry about my kids.

OP posts:

userxx · 27/12/2017 13:03

Please do not stay together for the sake of the children, you will not be doing them any favours. Nobody gets married to get divorced, but you sound unhappy and you only get one chance at life.

My grandparents had a horrible marriage, they should have separated but stayed married until they both died. It was hideous to watch and I promised myself as a child that I'd never end up in that situation.

Angelf1sh · 27/12/2017 13:05

Your kids will be fine, it’s quite normal to have divorced parents these days and they’ll be happier without the “atmosphere” at home. It’s the responsibility of your husband to maintain a relationship with them if you split up, it’s not necessary for you to remain in a relationship with him to facilitate theirs.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2017 14:03

Counselling won't make you fancy him. Sometimes the love had just gone.

No point in doing it as a tick box exercise or prolonging the inevitable.

Original poster

Incognito35 · 27/12/2017 14:05

What do I say to them though? Its sounds so selfish to blow their world apart because I'm not happy.

OP posts:

KarenW · 27/12/2017 14:17

you are not blowing their world apart, neither of you are happy and this will be affecting your kids already, even if you think they are in the dark over this, they will sense it. Their world will be a better place if you are apart but happy. You need to tell them the truth, that you and your husband are not going to be together any more. you both love them, and nothing will ever change that. No blame apportioned to either of you, just that it is ended.

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