Please help me with this

[thisishard2]

2 months ago stbx was trying to manipulate me into not going ahead with divorcing him. I didn't back down (much as part of me would have liked to) because there are very good reasons for the divorce to be happening, and I don't think that his difficult behaviour (short temper / very long silent treatments / no affection / impossible to talk to about anything other than superficial stuff / made unilateral decisions over the buying and selling of assets and once hid a property for about 10 months) would have changed.

2 months later, we are not yet divorced and not as far along the process as we could have been as stbx's Form E was missing a lot of information and he does not / did not seem to have any understanding of this. Insisting that I "tell him what I want" - without valuations of properties for example.

I am also thinking that he may have met someone as I have overheard some gentle / familiar and intimate sounding conversations he is having with someone late in the evening. I don't know what this is but to me it sounds like he has met someone.

So in two months he has met someone? Or was this person around before that? Even more of a reason not to have fallen for his I will be so nice act when he was trying to convince me not to go ahead with things.

Also, I feel so kind of humiliated and ashamed. That he should be behaving with such kindness towards someone else, when for years I ached for him to be affectionate / kind to me. And though we are splitting up, really I am still very attached.

It's a whole new level of pain.

And WTF is he saying to this person about me. When he realised that things were going to go ahead, his behaviour towards me changed and there have been some really horrible outbursts during which he has said really horrible things to me and been very verbally aggressive. So he is probably relaying all of this to this person. His strange and horrible opinion of me.

It is really horrible to feel like a hated pariah.

My ex dumped me out of the blue (runaway husband) OW surfaced after he left. My STBXH absolutely hates me. Won't talk to me even about the kids. It's awful.

I am sorry bibbidee , that sounds awful. Maybe behind the anger there is guilt about what he has done to you.

In my case H was/is furious that I am going ahead with this (because of money mainly I think), but now is already with or almost with someone else . Discussing my dd's bedtime on one occasion . Whoever it was was surprised that she had gone to bed so late on that day. Whoever it is can fuck right off.

I don't know what feeling like this for so long is going to do to me long term.

(Being estranged but in the same home. It's awful.)

And of course part of me is wondering if H is right about me, because why would he be saying these things if there wasn't some truth to them?

Just bumping my own thread .

I suppose I am asking how do I not feel so hurt?

How do I get over the attachment?

He's doing all that to hurt you! Don't let it.

You left him without his permission, he's going to make you PAY. Probably for a very long time.

He knows precisely what is required for hours Form E. He is deliberately being obstructive.

That woman on the phone? She's welcome to him. His cruelty and control, his withholding, his unkindness, on and on, never changing.

Don't be hurt by this cruel bastard. But brace yourself, there is much more cruelty to come. He will never stop - bcs you left him without his permission. You need not to take it personally, you need to get away from him as much as possible.

You can do this

why would he be saying these things if there wasn't some truth to them?

Because he’s a horrible person. End of. And this new woman (if she exists) will be on the receiving end of his abuse as soon as the honeymoon period is over. Don’t be angry with her - feel sorry for her. She will have been fed many lies.

I’m sorry you’re going through this but you should know it’s not your fault. He’s just an arsehole.

Think of it this way OP, this OW has done you a favour. Move forward from feeling hurt, get cold get angry.

As he's your husband you have legal rights. Have you got a solicitor to represent you?

Get as much evidence of assets that you can and force the legal process through. It may take time. But it will be worth it to get rid of his sorry arse.

Don't waste a second more of your emotion and whatever you do, don't show him you're upset about the OW, she's welcome to him. It's only a honeymoon period and his affectionate tones are only playing to an audience ie you.

Thank you. I will try not to take it personally. Things between us are definitely very dysfunctional and I can see why he might not want me, but the lightning speed at which this has happened is shocking. It also makes me question a lot of things.

The divorce is underway, but H has been difficult and obstructive and things are moving more slowly than they could be. I do have a solicitor - she is great and I have been thanking my lucky stars that I have her, as I listen to H having his oh so kind and intimate sounding phone conversations with this other person .

Part of me is worried that he is lining her up to take care of my dc when they are with him. He was talking about the youngest to her and no doubt she knows about all of them. On Xmas day he was taking photos of them unwrapping presents (99% of it bought and wrapped by me, he never takes part) and then obviously sending them to someone. I am worried it was this other woman .

It's awful and at the same time surreal.

Also, I haven't seen my in laws since March now and I don't know if/when I will again as he must be telling them how "vindictive" I am being (in his eyes, because I want to go through the proper procedure rather than take what he is prepared to "give me"). I am jealous that this new person will replace me with my in laws. I have known them for almost 22 years, and though I would not say that we are close, it is still sad. I liked chatting to my MIL. God knows what she thinks of my now. She is now 84 and has got quite bad mobility problems. What if I never see her again ?

of me now

You are worth much more than this knobhead.He is a horrible person. You are just attached to the person you thought he was. The side he is showing you now is the real him. A nasty abusive arsehole who only thinks about himself. Ignore him and tell yourself you are doing the right thing and you will be much better off without him.

You do well to go through the proper procedures in your divorce. What he is "prepared to give you " would be much less than what you are entitled to. Make sure you give your solicitor details of all his assets.

The thing is that he does have a nice side and the first ten years of our relationship were okay despite our having ups and downs. It has been steadily downhill since then though.

Maybe this woman is better suited to him and they will get on fine. It is making me very sad. How do I not think about this? This is the 6th night he has spent away (though he comes in the day to see the kids for a bit) so I guess he is making the break. I can't wait until I never have to see him as it is making me feel completely inadequate and there is a lot of tension.

What can I turn him into in my head so that I completely detach? So that I don't care either way?

The other day he said to me "you should see yourself" (he was complaining about having to get one of the assets valued and I was thinking but not saying that of course it needs to be bloody valued) - implying that I am money grabbing and nasty. I guess that in comparison this new woman bleurgh must seem all sweetness and light. The same things he thought of me at the beginning.

How is it possible to be so horrible to one person yet so nice to another? Surely that negates the niceness - if only that person knew.

If anyone has any more thoughts I would be grateful.

I am obsessing that H is setting up this person to be my dcs' carer - hence the talking to her about them and possibly sending her photos (this part I don't know for sure). They are all at secondary school though, so not exactly an easy or malleable bunch .

Twice he has recently accused me of not looking after them property. And of not cooking or cleaning the floor . I can see where all this is headed in his head.

properly

Constantly amazed at women who leave their partners and are then devastated when they then actually leave and move on.

Right now you don't even know that he is in a relationship, much less that he's planning for this woman that you know nothing about to become step-mum to your DCs. You're absolutely catastrophising about something which hasn't happened and, from what you've said here, have no good reason to believe is going to happen.

I don't know how reasonable asking for current valuations on all properties is in your situation, but really unless there is some major hiding of assets going on it does sound money grabbing and nasty. Take an estimate and agree a fair split between you and probably save yourself more on valuations and lawyers than you would gain from any 'accurate' property valuation. I can see why he might be annoyed with this if he's looking to make a fair offer. It's just a waste of money. Of course if he's not looking to make a fair offer...

Some people have commented that he's doing this to take back control. Of course he is - that's what he SHOULD be doing. Of HIS life. Which doesn't involve you any more.

He hid a retail property he owns for 10 months. Lied about owning it. Until I found out.

He has just sold another property without telling me. Also without telling me what he planned to do with the 200K that is now in his account.

He has recently bought a family car (before we split up) without involving me in the process at all.

On his Form E he deliberately undervalued all "his" properties. And said that that was the value. At first refused to accept that current valuations are needed. Which they are. A court ordered Form E demands current valuations.

He is verbally bullying and intimidating.

So yes we need valuations. Which the court process we are in demands anyway. My solicitor can't proceed without agreed values. I am not doing anything without the solicitor as I am not strong enough to withstand his manipulations on my own. There would be no "agreeing a fair split" because he is very resentful and thinks of everything as his. He was going to tell me what I "can have" but somehow never got round to it.

Yes he will "move on". This is very fast though, so how long has it been going on for?

It makes me sad because for many years he was unkind to me - short tempered / silent treatment / refusal to discuss anything / no affection. This is why I am leaving him. I am still sad that he can be kind to someone else and wasn't able to be kind to me however.

So thanks relief .

And loads of other stuff is missing from his Form E. Yet in his questionnaire he has made outrageous accusations against me. So one rule for me and another for him.

So no, I don't trust him.

And he is moving on before anything has been settled. He is still coming and going at will. And being completely uncooperative about the divorce. He expected to settle things at the FDA, on the basis of no information and of not having discussed anything with me beforehand.

Concentrate on the divorce, your solicitor and the Form E.

I know this is easy for me to say, but forget about this other woman.

She might be an "OW" but actually she might not. OLD makes it really quick to merry new people - I know I'd had a date (not OLD actually) within 3 months of ending things with my XH, still living in the same house.

It's irrelevant. I don't mean to downplay your feelings - I know it's hard. But whether she's the OW, someone new, what he's saying to her... rise above it.

My XH emailed his new GF that he wished I was under the patio Which given I was divorcing him for fucking other women seemed a little harsh on me

Thing is, they are always going to talk self serving bullshit.

Get yourself some good headphones and make a playlist of good moving on fuck your music. When he's on the phone, listen to your anthems - can I recommend So What by Pink, to start you off?

No good will come of allowing yourself to listen to his conversations, or imagining them. Just think "yep, off he goes again with his shite" and starting humming your anthems

Thanks Ellisandra - will start with "So What?".