Desperately need advice

[Difficultplace17]

My wife has been in an emotional and physical affair for 8 months. Nothing full blown or constant as we have four kids, she has a PT job and he is single. We like most couples struggled with no family support raising the kids. She met this man who has just come out of a similar relationship after many years (married woman he had an affair with) through a new friend she met last year who is his best friend. The new friend is also single and is advising her to leave her marriage. My wife says it’s an amazing feeling, she loves him and she has now initiated a legal separation. She knows that she is destroying the family home, the kids lives and our marriage as she has said this. I have never been unfaithful and have never given any cause to her for this to happen. However like most couples of 20 years we became a little stale, bit boring and set in our ways, but we have built a fantastic home, dont want for anything, she even works part time and needs nothing. I have recently tried to get her new interests and paid for new hobbies etc. This chap lives with his parents, is single and is in debt up to his eyes but knows how to charm her as I believe he has been doing this for years. He says he is totally in love with her and wants to spend his life with her. I have stood by her, tried to help, but she says she needs space from me, not him off course, she says she has lost that feeling of love for me. Interestingly she says she is angry at times as she wants the marriage to work but is resentful we are now in this situation. The children are really suffering as they constantly tell us they want us back together. I live away for 4 nights and she the other three. She says she knows this affair could be new love, may not last, and could be lust, could be all the things people say it is but she also says it be real. She tried ending it with him a few months back but she initiated the meet up again. She is totally infatuated. I really have tried everything expect the space thing as we have the kids to consider. Any help or advice greatly appreciated.

Lots about what she wants but what do you want?

Let her go. She knows you and the children would like her to stay but it's her choice and the children will understand one day. You have tried your best. At the end of the day you cannot chain her.

Advice? Never beg, plead or try and convince her.

It just looks unattractive and makes you seem needy. Your wife has been sleeping with another man... you shouldn't be bowing to her.

How old are your children? Do they know
she's with another man?

You need to implement the 180.

The 180

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Seek support from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes

I'm very sorry but I don't think there is much more you can do.

Judging by her actions and words, she wants out of the marriage. You need to stop chasing her and let her get on with it. Stop being your wife's "Plan B".

Start looking after yourself, take up exercise (great stress relief) - look at team sports or other activities which will widen your social circle. Think about what you want for the future. See a solicitor, if you haven't done so already.

Don't beat yourself up about it. Sure, relationships can get boring sometimes - but that's life - we can't have drama and romance 24/7 and most people understand that.

You sound like a decent bloke - and, when you are ready, I am sure there are plenty of women out there who would be lucky to have you.

Finally, in the event your wife's new relationship goes pear-shaped (which many affairs do when exposed to everyday reality), think very carefully before attempting any reconciliation. It sounds like you can do better.

Good Luck.

@SandyY2K has brilliant advice.

Also I encourage you to be the support your children need right now.
Focus on them, reassure them and provide stability.