I have posted about parts of this before but things are about to reach a head in the next couple of days and I want to just get my head together on this.
I've been with my dh for 20 years, we have three children and live on the other side of the world from our families. My dh is difficult and our relationship has been strained for some time for reasons which I will go into.
Through the 20 years we've been together he has worked full time for 6 of them. The rest of the time I have been the sole or main earner. I supported him through two degrees which have not been used to get work. Up to two years ago he had not earnt any money since 2008. He's been pretty much on his own in our house the whole time, he has no friends, doesn't go out, doesn't have any inclination to do so either. The work he is now doing is home based (well paid) and he does not want to work outside the house. He's had a couple of health issues which would not be that big a deal for most people but he has health anxiety and for him they were huge and life changing.
There is so much to go into that I'm not sure one post will do it all.
I do all the house admin, kids organising, I get up with the kids in the night, I'm up in the morning with them and put them to bed. My son has a medical condition which requires careful management and daily injections which I do as well as attend all his appointments. I organise my dds school uniform, packed lunches, reading books. I do all the washing, ensure there is food in the house. I work full time in a demanding job. I keep the house clean(ish) and tidy(ish). He occasionally cooks for me but most nights I get home from work at 6.30 and he's cooked for himself and our daughter but not thought about me and so I make myself something after putting the kids to bed. The kids adore him but crave more time with him. He's good with them to a point but the hard or practical stuff is left to me.
My dh tells me I lack empathy for people apart from myself, that our house is filthy, that I'm selfish and we are disorganised. I'm rude, dismissive of his feelings.
We haven't shared a bed in 6 years, mainly due to me getting up with the kids and my sons medical condition needing monitoring overnight.
It all sounds pretty shit right, so why do I not want to rock the boat? I know we can't go on like this, but living so far away from family it would be a huge upheaval to seperate. Financially I'd be fine although I do now have some debt due to me managing everything on my own and trying to protect him from finding out (stupid I know). The debt can be easily covered and more so by what he has earnt in the last year and which I don't have access to (it's in his account). It's this debt and our financial situation which is about to come to a head, I've delayed talking to him about it because I know it will be awful but I also know it's probably make or break time. Our relationship such as it is is one sided from my perspective, I get no support from him and feel very lonely. Every big event in our lives has revolved around his feelings although I've had to cope too. ive had to rationalise things in my head to help him cope, I can't dissolve into self pity as there's no one to hold me up.
i know I have withdrawn from him and I have stopped asking for help or engaging with him as much as I can. My family have no idea how bad things are, I've reached out to a few friends but I still find myself protecting him. I don't want people to think badly of him. I've been drinking way to much to cope with my life which feels relentless but I stopped a few weeks ago.
I don't know what I want really, some validation of the fact that this is not a reasonable way to live? That he's a difficult man? that I could have a better life than this?