What's going on here - and do I have a right to feel unsettled?

[another20]

I finally went NC with my alcoholic NPD MIL 3 years ago after 30 long years of her sneering at me and sabotaging/hijacking every social event we hosted or included her in.

I met her son, my DH, when we were young teenagers and at school and I spent decades tap-dancing trying to please her and seek her approval.

I still hold bitterness and anger that I took so much for so long. My family were frequently exposed to her shenanigans on many occasions
and were well aware of how difficult she was in general and specifically to me and were supportive of my NC. DH is in contact on a limited, functional logistical level as she lives alone and has health issues.

I have just found out that one of my DSis went round to visit her a couple of days ago. She has n't mentioned it to me or my DH. I feel unsettled by this. I dont know why or if I have any right to feel betrayed etc.

This Dsis has form for having a bit of a pick on me - loads of put-down comments that if challenged are "was just a joke / lighten-up /have n't you got a sense of humour / you're so sensitive" so I keep my distance and take a deep breath and don't bother to respond when another public put down comes my way from her but it is hard work as she tramples boundaries constantly.

I think it odd that she has been to see MIL and not mentioned it to me - she was at our house for 12hrs yesterday. Is some sort of provocation or fact finding to use on me down the line? I will not ask her about it.

Or am I over thinking? being paranoid? Out of order to feel unsettled / miffed as DSis has every right to see whom she pleases.

Your sister is just being a bitch, plain and simple. She knows full well how horrible your MIL has been to you over the years.

Just view it as two witches clinging to one another in their misery.

Pretend you don't care - fake it til you make it. The bitterness and anger you are holding on to is only damaging you. They don't care and love to see you getting wound up. Play a different game and have a secret laugh to yourself while you are at it.

Life is far too short to let those witches bother you. Enjoy your life with your DH. I know it's not easy but you are giving them more focus that they merit. I know why you are over thinking it but you can STOP thinking about them. It will take practice but you can do it!

Thank you Countdown. It helps to know that I am not being paranoid. I dont know what info my sister will have given the MIL - it is just more ammunition/fodder when I have worked so hard to block info that can be twisted. Just waiting for some sort of manipulative comment or info from the sister which no doubt will be timed for max impact.

Bit I will not react.

*But

You may need to distance yourself from your sister as well. You are not over thinking this. Your gut feeling is telling you your truth. Your sister is betraying you. Emotionally detach. Stop caring what she thinks, then the non-reaction/response will be that much easier.

Your sister or your sister-in-law? If it’s your SIL then she’s got every right to see her own mother and doesn’t need your approval. If it’s your sister seeing your mother in law then that’s weird as they’re not related and it’s aost certainly connected to you in some way (possibly to directly wind you up, possibly a passive-aggressive way of saying you’re being unkind to ignore the woman so she won’t, possibly something else). That being said, she also doesn’t need your approval before she visits someone. Ultimately, it’s up to you whether you allow it to bother you. If you think your sister is deliberately being a bitch then don’t give her the satisfaction of letting it work. Just let it roll over you, think of it as that every time someone else does a care visit, that’s one less your husband has to do.

It is my DSis that I am referring to.

She has form for putting me down, so I have been putting in more distance recently with DSis to keep myself out of punching distance, which has proved challenging as she is very persistent at trampling over boundaries.

I suspect DSis is aware of my withdrawal and maybe piqued so trying to get in via the back door or to provoke me in some way.

I will not comment or react when DSis lobs the inevitable grenade but it is good to check that IANBU by suspecting she is up to no good.

Countdown - the bitterness and resentment is directly with myself - I am angry that I allowed this to happen and I endured this for so long - but maybe that has the same corrosive effect anyway.

Your sister went to visit your MIL? Why? Am I being really dense ?

MrsD - I don’t know why.
I can’t ask.
I can only speculate that it has negative intentions.

I think you should trust your gut feeling. If you had a strong, loving relationship with your dsis then the visit may well have come from good intentions.

But I doubt this is the case. My money would be on your sister wanting to be nosy, do some digging and a bit of stirring on top. Nasty.

But you know. Does your sister know that you know? Say nothing, reduce contact and leave them to it.

Or the deeply cynical person in me would suspect something else. Particularly if your MIL is elderly and has a bit of money, her own house etc. With a son and DIL who are estranged. Then I would be deeply suspicious of your sister.

Birds of a feather flock together!

Yes I am suspicious and I do think it is to be disruptive, provoke or stir as I am giving my nasty Dsis v little these days. She doesn’t know that I know. Her DH mentioned it to mine on xmas day. I will keep my distance from Dsis.

She has done it to undermine you and, plainly, because she wants to criticise you with a willing participant.

It’s pathetic and detestable.

Keep detaching, keep distancing yourself from your sister.

OP, most of us would agree

...oops!

..would agree that your sister is at the very least, playing games, and at the most, trying to ignite a war.

Follow your gut instinct - you sound very rational and sensible. Every post has been helpful, but the 1st responder has been invaluable. Take a breathe and fake it til you make it.

Undermining - yes that is what she is doing here and why I feel “unsettled” - she spends hw slugs trying to undermine me - but since I have gone “grey rock” and put in the distance she has limited material to work with so it must be frustrating for her - so off she trots to dig, snoop, stir, provoke, accumulate info for ammunition - or whatever - I don’t know and I really don’t care what she conjurs up - I won’t be available to react.

I always doubt my gut - I often believe I am being paranoid or negative (wonder who keeps telling me that!) - so it is good to hear that you all consider it suspicious behaviour.

Wow you couldn't make this up.

Got a TEXT from 'D'sis today to ask if we "have a large pot of money to lend her a money as she has a large tax bill to pay and she doesn't want her DH to have to take out a loan"

We have recently inherited money through a distant relative of MIL that we have not told anyone about - she must have sniffed that one out when she went to visit.

I just text back saying "No, I am not able to lend you any money"

Fucking hell! Unbelievable!

Your reply was perfect, well done. Just keep repeating it if she hassles you.

Grey rock for the win

She's testing the water OP.
I'm betting this isn't the last you've heard of it. Have an answer ready...
"It's in the DC's accounts"
"It's invested with a time clause"
"We've used it to pay towards part of the mortgage"
"No, we need it".

Not heard any more about the money but she was at ours last night as a relative was visiting. She spent the whole time berating my poor DH about his care for his mother and how he should put her in a home. We did want a row as we were hosting dinner for extended family, so just tried to close it down there and then. But I need to call her and hold her to account.

I suspect your dsis will spin it as "trying to build bridges" but it is not right for her to not talk to you about it.

From experience, if you try to explain where the money may have been put you won't ever hear the end of it, you can always undo any saving pot you may have.

The MN mantra that No is a full sentence works with less angst on your part. The scrounger person in dire need won't notice what the reasons are...

BIL has asked twice and my DF asked for a large amount in the week before we completed buying our house - complete with the sentence "I know this will make it difficult for you to complete your purchase but I need it" Both got one word replies... "No!"

I think she won’t ask for the money again but she will continue to try to punish us for saying ‘No’ and this is why she was berating my DH last night. It was so offensive, criticising and humiliating him in front of large extended family and guests telling him the care was not good enough and she should be in a home - in the same sentence as saying she had been to visit her elderly IL aunt with her children that day in a care Home and told them never to put her in one. Can’t wait for xmas to be over so that I don’t have to be in her vile company.