Need to break the cycle

[acarnamedwanda]

I separated from my exdh 15 months ago and have been divorced for two. We have three DCs who live with me, and stay with him a couple of days a week. I have enrolled onto a degree course and run a small online business which have given me motivation and something to be proud of, but something is missing.

I have no surviving family and I am an only child. I realised that I stayed in an unhappy marriage for so long because I was scared of being alone. For the past year I have grown closer to someone, and I have made things worse for myself because he doesn't want to be any more than friends (sometimes with benefits) because he too has been hurt in the past. It is all very complicated, but let's just say, I have been clinging onto him because it was all very convenient. Now i am just allowing myself to be hurt and I need to break the cycle.

I think because of having no family other than the children, and because of the emotional abuse I suffered in my marriage, I feel the need to be loved and wanted by someone. I feel the need to have a connection with someone, yet also have trust issues and feel I am constantly setting myself up for heartache.

Whilst leads me on to the next thing. If I am to just let things take their course and wait for love without looking for it, how can I make myself feel good in the meantime? I have started the gym and that is great for getting myself out and focusing on my health. Its the little things like wanting to fill my life with fun, but not really knowing where to start. People have bucket lists, places they go for new adventures, things in the calendar to look forward to, yet I feel as though I am just living from one day to the next at the moment. I want to discover new places but don't know where to start. I want to lead an exciting life, but most of all, I want someone who will see my worth and put up a fight to be with me.

How do I break the cycle? My friend told me today to cut all ties with this guy for my own sanity and he's right. Asked him two hours ago if he wanted to come for a coffee later as I feel as though with the Christmas hype that we haven't properly spoken the past week. Read and no reply despite being online almost all the time since. It is a massive kick to my self-esteem and confidence, but I have only myself to blame because I keep letting him.

Im 33 and should be embracing life after being in a physically and emotionally abusive marriage for 13 years, but how? How do I start to live for myself again?

I agree with your friend, cut ties with Mr Unavailable. That's a dead end road.

I think you have started to live for yourself. You haven't really been divorced for all that long, and you've started your degree and begun some self care with getting more fit. And you're actively questioning the worth of your current FWB as a relationship partner.

I think you're doing rather brilliantly, actually.

One thing in your post that hit a note of caution for me was this:

I want someone who will see my worth and put up a fight to be with me.

The first part is fine - the person certainly should see your worth, but don't make him pursue you like some Victorian romance novel. If you find a good man you fancy, meet him halfway and make it a mutual appreciation of worth.

Best of luck in the new year.

Thank you so much for replying. I know it's the old cliche of giving everything time. I think if I had my parents around or even siblings, people who know me and with whom I can spend my time with, I wouldn't be feeling so empty.

I have a handful of fab friends, but I'm aware everyone has their own families/lives/issues and that I need to start to learn doing things on my own and for myself.

It's almost like I'm looking for validation from outside sources because whilst my children love me unconditionally, they are too young to understand the ins and outs of how I'm feeling.

I'm even avoiding dating websites because of the idea that men are only on there for one thing. I don't think I need that dent in my confidence when I'm trying to get out of that rut already!

Do you have the website meetup.com in the UK? It's a great way to find people with mutual interest without there being a dating connotation to it. I'm a Yank, by the way.

Are you doing the degree program in person or just on line? School courses are another good way to meet people and make friends. How about other mums who have kids the same age as yours?

We all look to others for validation to some degree, but I can see why your situation would make it a bit harder to come by.

Don't dismiss dating websites completely. Yes, most of the men on there may not be looking for a long term, serious relationship but at least some will. I meet my DH at age 36 on match.com and we've had a lovely marriage for over 20 years (yes, it was in the very early days of the internet) and two great kids, one headed off to uni next fall. Your mistake with your current friend was not ending it sooner. But by all means, take a break from dating for a bit if that feels right.

Think of yourself as the captain of a fine ship, standing at the dock waiting to start a new journey. You are confident and a bit excited at the unknown, but ready to press on.

You go girl.

I identify with so much of this. Reading your post, a naff old motivational-poster-style saying came to mind, something like: to discover new lands, you have to lose sight of the shore. Seems especially aptin your case: you have to let go of what's comfortable but not satisfactory (i.e. your fwb) and just trust that something good will come along. You are doing all the right things by focusing on enriching your life. I hope 2018 will bring good things for you!

Thank you again for replying.

I attend university in person but on average I'm 14 years older than the rest of the students! It's been lovely to meet them though as we do have a great laugh together. The only downfall being a lot of them are not local and travel as the course is only 1.5 days a week.

I don't have the DCs today as I dropped them at their dads this morning. I spent some time in the gym, but now I'm rattling around at home. I guess I see home as my safe place. Being home means I can be me and nobody can hurt me (sounds daft doesn't it). I should be bracing the quiet and doing things like going to the cinema, but I fall into the trap of thinking why pay to go see a film when I can lounge in my pjs and watch one on my own sofa?!

There's nothing wrong with having a bit of quiet downtime. I only go to the cinema for something special, otherwise I just watch it on netflix.

If you're a Star Wars fan we saw The Last Jedi on Sunday and it was worth trip.

Home is a refuge for all of us. You don't have to rush yourself to get out.