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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Distant to disappearing at Christmas :(

25 replies

Rachel85Haw · 26/12/2017 11:16

Dear members,

I’m new here but need some support and advice from you all. A friend recommended I try mumsnet as members seem very worldly and experienced in relationship matters.

I have been seeing a man who is separated from his wife. He has left the family home and taken a house in the next small town.

I met him in early November this year. He has 3 children - all are teenagers and I’m not his first girlfriend since he left his wife.

He funds everyone in his family - his separated wife and children. His separated wife appears to be easily able to squeeze him for all the money she needs, she refuses to get a job and support herself. The children lean on him for cash like all the time, even though they all have jobs after school.

Now that it is Christmas and in the run-up to this season, he has become quite distant - things like saying we will talk on one day but then three or four days pass with no call.

There always seems to be some reason why he can’t talk - cooking for one of his children etc.

But as Christmas approached the excuses became more bizarre. He didn’t call me on Christmas eve because he said he was referring a family feud on his separated wife’s side - people he professes to have no feeling for; he says that if he never saw his wife again, he would be ok with that.
Now he’s on his phone messenger all the time but takes several hours to read my messages and then longer to reply, if at all.

He went to Christmas lunch at his former family home - he was not looking forward to it but as far as I can tell - he stayed there all of yesterday and last night too.

He didn’t even wish me a Merry Christmas.

Seems like I am very much last on his list - if at all!

I’m going crazy with this situation and I don’t know what to do or how to approach it.

Please help,
Thank you.

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 26/12/2017 11:19

He is clearly not that into you, end it before he does and find someone who deserves you.

TwitterQueen1 · 26/12/2017 11:21

See, this is what I don't understand about posts like this OP. A man clearly has very little interest in you at all. Yet you wonder how to approach this. It's very simple. Find someone else. He doesn't care for you, he's not interested, you are bottom of his priority list - which you recongise. Move on. You are wasting your time.

Sorry to be harsh but really, why bother with someone who is clearly indifferent to you?

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 26/12/2017 11:21

Ruuuun!

This man sounds like hard work. Obviously someone with DCs will always have a huge responsibility to care for them, but being so entangled with his ex and previous family spells years of disappointment for you.

My DP has spend less time than usual with me recently as his DCs prefer to be with him than their mum, so his usual 50/50 pattern has gone out of the window. However if your man can’t even find time for a call, is staying over at the former marital home and is so busy that you are not even on his radar, cut your losses and run, he’s not for you.

People will say that it’s early days (which it is) and not to expect anything from someone you just met in November. However, if he was keen he would let you know. He isn’t. Sorry

RB68 · 26/12/2017 11:21

I think distance yourself and move on - even if he want a relationship it will be on his terms you will always be last and frankly its just not healthy

PhilODox · 26/12/2017 11:25

You only met him in November? It's a little soon to be part of his Christmas, IMO, when he has an ex-wife, children, and ex-ILs to deal with.

LineyRunner · 26/12/2017 11:27

You are so far from being ready to be in a relationship with a man with children, you're on another planet.

He's their dad. He's supposed to support them financially and emotionally, give them his time, eat with them, help them, spend holidays with them.

The other issue of course is whether he's being honest with you about his relationship with you. You've know him about 8 weeks. That's nothing, really.

But - he's being rude. Moreover, it sounds like he does still have quite a close relationship with his wife, whatever he's telling you.

So all in all, I'd look for a boyfriend who doesn't have children and isn't rude and doesn't make you wonder if he's lying.

Timefortea99 · 26/12/2017 11:29

He's not into you. Early days or not, not even having time to wish you a Merry Xmas is off. Early days in a relationship you are keen. Drop him, he is not for you. Seems to have a trolley load of baggage too.

Costacoffeeplease · 26/12/2017 11:31

You’ve only known him a few weeks, and already he’s being distant, just move on

Original poster

Rachel85Haw · 26/12/2017 11:34

Thanks for your replies. I appreciate the advice - esp. RB 68 and MyReltionship.

Please kindly note: I’m here looking for support though - not judgment on whether I am fit for a relationship. I’m trying my best as most people do.

OP posts:

TheFaerieQueene · 26/12/2017 11:38

Rachel if your user name is your actual name with a number in the middle, I would consider changing it.

Original poster

Rachel85Haw · 26/12/2017 11:47

Clearly it’s not and what a peculiar thing to add as a reply. I may need some friendly advice from this forum - but I ain’t so silly so to use my first and last name on a public forum.

OP posts:

userxx · 26/12/2017 11:51

You need to chill out a bit and stop being so defensive. You've only known this guy 8 weeks and his actions are screaming that's he's not into you. I'd not bother getting in contact with him again.

Cariadd · 26/12/2017 11:55

If he hasn't been consistent in contacting you and hasn't wished you Merry Christmas then he is not as into this relationship as you are.

LineyRunner · 26/12/2017 11:55

You say you want support and friendly advice, but are being very snippy with posters who have taken the time and trouble to reply to you in good faith.

Your posts are not coming across well, tbh. Your boyfriend's a knob - but you don't have to be.

Original poster

Rachel85Haw · 26/12/2017 11:56

I didn’t want to be part of his Christmas - I have my own family for that but I did want a phone call and that is what i’m peeved about. Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough. Thanks

OP posts:

DianaT1969 · 26/12/2017 11:58

I think the advice will be unanimous OP. There's nothing you can do to change, or fix this. He isn't interested enough to wish you Happy Christmas. Move on and consider it a lucky escape that you saw the light early.

November - I've got food in my fridge older than that...😄 enjoy the rest of the holiday and put him to the back of your mind and bottom of your priorities.

bluebell34567 · 26/12/2017 12:08

if he is like that its good that he is not contacting you, its your advantage, you can find someone lots better. don't give any minute of your time to grieve about it, enjoy your life.
you don't even need to say anything about you ending it, because he even not wished you merry Christmas to you. dump him like a log.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/12/2017 12:09

I don't think you have to approach it in anyway, sometimes we just meet people at the wrong time sometimes we just meet the wrong people.
For whatever reason this man is clearly not viewing you in the same way you are him. It is a little rude to let you down on calls etc but tbh it seems like he has a lot on his plate with family responsibilities and he's clearly in no position to start anything serious.
It sounds to me like he's keeping you at arms length, which tells me he's not feeling that heady honeymoon stage with you and that this very casual thing isn't important to him.
I can understand why you're upset or feeling let down but you've only known him a couple of months, just chalk it up to experience and move on. On another note I do agree with the previous poster that suggested you aren't ready for a relationship with a man who has children. Your post is coming across as a little resentful towards the financial and emotional support that he provides to the mother of his children and in fact his children themselves. I would completely expect him to support his family in this way. They are his children, teenagers or not they will and should come first and tbh after such a short time you have no right to an opinion on how, when or how frequently he helps them.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/12/2017 12:14

What Crimsonlake said. Hope you're okay

RainyApril · 26/12/2017 12:18

If he couldn't be bothered to wish you a Happy Christmas then surely it is obvious to you that he isn't very interested?

You sound completely incompatible anyway, since the financial, practical and emotional support he gives to his family is already annoying you after being together just a few weeks.

I know you have come here for support but nobody is going to tell you how to cling on by your fingernails. Far better to keep your dignity and find someone who doesn't have the complications of a family to contend with.

Babyblues052 · 26/12/2017 13:01

I think he's not into you. Contact has been dwindling into no contact. I think he has made excuses as he probably doesn't want to be blunt and hurt your feeling but rather just let it fizzle out. My advice would be to dust yourself off and move on.

Reflexella · 26/12/2017 13:13

Seems you are a bit of a side chick. His kids will always come first & he may have maintenance responsibilities still or just like supporting them extra to this.
I would suggest how he spends his money is not your business unless you are married also with kids with him & his expenditures directly effect you.

chestylarue52 · 26/12/2017 18:01

I got a text from my next door neighbour who I've met 3 times to wish me a happy Christmas.

It's not that hard, or expensive, or time consuming.

MoseShrute · 26/12/2017 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObscuredbyFog · 27/12/2017 00:51

You asked for support and advice.

The supportive thing to do is to gently draw your attention to the fact you are trying to create a relationship with someone who doesn't appear to have the time or the inclination to reciprocate and advise you to finish with this man and look for someone else.

If you'd only wanted people to sympathise and agree with your point of view on your situation, that's what you should have asked for, although I think it's so obvious from your post that people would still have pointed out that you really need a better perspective on this man and all the financial and emotional commitments he has to fulfil to his former family.

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