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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Need to let it go

20 replies

Goandplay · 26/12/2017 08:17

DP was drunk on Christmas Eve, we went to friends house for an open house type thing.

They had invited an ex boyfriend of mine from 20 years ago.

When we got home DP was saying oh he's not the type of man I would have thought you would have gone out with. Then man is chauvinistic and wasn't very nice to his wife so my DP was correct. But it was 21 years ago - no reflection on me whatsoever.

Then my DP said to me, 'was you embarrassed to see him looking the way you do now?' I said no. DP then looked me up and down with contempt / disgust.

I have been with DP 20 years. We have 3 children together. I don't look like a teenager anymore, I carry more weight than I ever have or ever should but I look fine.

I am feeling very hurt. It's become a cloud over Christmas, I don't want to open my presents from DP. He hasn't even apologised. He has just said you know why I said it.

My point is, I don't want to feel sad and I don't want to spoil what is left of Christmas by carrying this on.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 26/12/2017 08:20

He has just said you know why I said it.

I would take that to mean "I don't fancy you any more and I want to break up but I'm too much of a coward to pull the trigger so I'll keep being horrible to you in the hope you do it and I can feel like the wounded party."

Sorry OP, it fucking sucks.

Rainybohoho · 26/12/2017 08:25

Your DP is a prick.

The correct response was ‘actually, no, I was embarrassed to be seen with you though. You’ve really let yourself go.’

onlyjustaboutnearly · 26/12/2017 08:27

Letting 'it' go....you mean your husband right? Is he always like that?

Onedayhey · 26/12/2017 08:27

That's really awful. You don't have to pretend you are ok about it. It was an insulting remark and his follow up comment instead of an apology makes it even worse,

userxx · 26/12/2017 08:29

I couldn't let that go and nor should you. What an absolutely vile thing to say to someone.

Angelf1sh · 26/12/2017 08:32

He would have to explain and apologise before I’d even consider letting that go

chatty1234 · 26/12/2017 08:36

What a horrible thing to say I wouldn't be letting it go. Does he look as good as he did 20 years ago?

Msqueen33 · 26/12/2017 08:47

What a horrible man!

Ellisandra · 26/12/2017 08:50

I think you made a typo in your thread title.
Not:
I need to let it go
But:
I need to let him go

Why on earth do you think you should let this go? It was a disgusting thing to say to you.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/12/2017 08:51

If your DP thinks that about you, surely your relationship is over? Mine would be. Anyone that thinks you should be embarrassed by the way you look isn’t someone you need in your life.

Mulch · 26/12/2017 08:58

I think nottheford nailed it. Do you normally let things go with your husband

category12 · 26/12/2017 09:01

When there's contempt in a relationship, there's little chance of getting back from it. And it's very bad for the person on the receiving end.

category12 · 26/12/2017 09:01

When there's contempt in a relationship, there's little chance of getting back from it. And it's very bad for the person on the receiving end.

ClaryFray · 26/12/2017 09:11

He's a cuntwaffle.

Sorry OP, but that's a horrible thing and d seriously consider chucking his arse and find someone to adore you for you.

MadeForThis · 26/12/2017 09:48

You're still making the same mistake in your choice of man now. He is horrible.

None should be spoken to like that. He doesn't sound as if he even likes you. It was a comment designed to hurt. What a nasty thing to do.

You deserve better.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 26/12/2017 09:52

That's just shocking. I agree with the others. Time to let him go. What a horrible thing to say. Unforgivable

AnyFucker · 26/12/2017 09:54

Your DP hates you. You realise that, right ?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 26/12/2017 11:11

I'm not sure how telling someone their husband hates them is helpful or supportive or really even very nice.
Op how often does he make snidey passive aggressive insults like this?
Does he often insult you and leave you feeling shit without actually saying much?
In the cold light of day, how would he react if you confronted him about his comments, the way he looked at you?
Why do you feel you should let it go, he knew what his intentions were when he said that, you know what his intentions were when he said that, why do you feel it should just be forgotten.

ChickenMom · 26/12/2017 11:22

Wow...that is a disgusting thing to say to you. Just awful. I couldn’t let that go and neither should you. Why shouldn’t he be made accountable for his behaviour? I wouldn’t say that to people I dislike let alone somebody I’m married to!! I think you need to stand up to him. He’s already said “you know why I said it” so he’s not apologising or pretending he didn’t mean it. He’s just degraded you. What are you going to do about it? After 3 kids and 20 years this is the respect he gives you? Why don’t you call him on it? When the kids are in bed tonight say “your comments about my appearance on Christmas Eve were disgusting. You know that right? If you truly feel that way then there is obviously no love or respect so you need to leave. Please book into a hotel and find yourself somewhere else to live. I’ll contact a solicitor and we will get the house on the market and get the house divided up and get divorced ASAP” then be firm and don’t back down. Make him go and see how he likes those lemons. I did it with my DH. He’d got disrespectful and contemptuous. I made him go. Foot down time. If you can’t be nice, get gone mate. He came back with a different attitude after reality hit hard. That might not happen but honestly, I was more than happy to go it alone than live with that sort of bollocks. Time to make a stand OP.

CatsMother66 · 26/12/2017 15:37

Many years ago I was at a Christmas works party with my oh and I was dancing en masse with my work colleagues, one being the brother of an ex. This seemed to brew jealousy all evening in oh and resulted in him calling me scum when we went home. I am not and was hurt, but put it down to the drink. I brought it up the following day expecting an apology but instead was told “if the cap fits, wear it”. This hurt even more as it was in the cold light of day, but triggered something in me that it was time to call it a day. Your post reminded me of this. Your dh is maybe jealous or felt threatened that you’d still have feelings for your ex and has put you down to make himself feel better. He knows he is in the wrong and when challenged does not want to apologise but has used the ‘you know why I said it’ line to get out of apologising/admit he was in the wrong. I could not let this go, no one deserves to be spoken to like this. I would read all these replies and have it out with him tonight. xxx

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