Friend of 25 years 'ghosting'?

[Joto369]

At least I think that's what it is! I've known this friend for 25 plus years - we've been through relationships (good and bad), babies and post natal depression, in fact just good times and bad. I remember once driving 120 miles once to be with her on the middle of her worst anxiety attacks and I know she's been there for me. Over the last 18 months there's been a marked change. It's always been the case that I visited her (even though we live 5 mins drive apart) which I accepted but now her behaviour is just plain odd. I got a photo of my birthday present 2016 and though a month later I delivered hers it never materialised! She will answer texts about practical matters or general chat but repeated 'let's have a cuppa catch up' are completely ignored.she was very busy with work at one point and I offered any help I could but she can manage to travel to Spain to visit a friend and plaster it on facebook so I'm now confused. Which I know sounds petty but that's not the issue - it's that this is hurting. She used to ring at the arse end of a bottle of wine and apologise for being a crap friend but now that's stopped. I'm not daft and I'm trying to let this go but it's difficult when I don't know what or if I've done anything and if so why on earth she wouldn't just say. She's a mental health professional as well so should have some understanding of how upsetting her behaviour might be. I have decided not to pursue and I'm not sure what answers I expect but if anyone has been in the situation what helped you get some closure and move on?

OP this sounds really upsetting, some will tell you to move on but it's not always that simple is it? Could you put it on the line and literally say to her, I miss you I want to see you can we meet up

Thanks - no its not and in all honesty it's really knocked me over the last few months maybe more so as I'm going through some hormone crap approaching meno. You're right - even a no sorry is better than this wondering I just need to be brave. Thank you.

I think you need to ask her straight up. It’s incredibly difficult, I’m sorry.

I’ve had much the same thing recently but it’s 35 years! I decided this year to stop bothering. I haven’ texted since July. I feel much better for it.

I had a friend of a couple of years so in no way as emotionally involved as your friendship and she started to ghost me, I texted her after a few weeks and said have I upset or without realising I miss her and could we meet up, she responded a few days later and when we met up she revealed she's battling pretty extensive mental health issues and was too ashamed to talk about it and had ignored all her friends. Could this be a possible reason?

I have thought about that as she has suffered anxiety and depression in the past but my logical side says if that was the case she would be withdrawing from everyone else too and my hurt side says she wouldn't be flitting off to Spain, winning awards at work or going out with other friends! Maybe I can ask her if everything is ok with her as I'm concerned she hasn't wanted to have a catch up for a while and that could make her take responsibility for her actions and say one way or the other? Thanks again!!

Same. It dawned on me that a long distance childhood friend had stopped taking or returning my calls (this was pre mobile phones). I felt very rejected and worried for years about what I could have done to cause this. It gave me much sadness at a time when I was very low.

Years later I got a letter opening up communication, asking how things were and apologising for cutting me out, saying she didn’t know why she didn’t want to be friends at the time. It should have been reassuring but I just found it stirred up all the feelings of rejection and self doubt I’d managed to quash.

I sent a bright and breezy note saying we were all doing well and I hoped she was too, kept it very superficial and made no mention of further contact. Didn’t hear from her again. I will never know why she didn’t want to be my friend but in the end that was a choice she was entitled to make and I honestly felt closure at that point.

I do have sympathy for you OP. It happened to me too with a friend I had had since childhood. I do think that people change over the years and sometimes the friend that will suit you in later years is not the same friend that suited you when you were in your teens for example. Still feels rotten though :( all those shared memories that my ex friend seems to have so casually swept aside.

I think that as others have said, maybe it's not such a bad idea to ask her straight out. She might try to brush off your concerns, so perhaps be ready to be a little insistent.

It might sound harsh, and it's not the easy route to take because it's quite painful in itself, but I find it helps to remember that they're not worth it.

Once I realise that they're the kind of person to do this, I lose a lot of respect for them. I understand that many people have problems with facing up to things or having difficult conversations, but learning to do that is the price for having relationships, including having friendships.

Learning how to not hurt people that much is important, and I haven't found it easy, but I've still done it because I owe it to other people. So to find out that someone I cared about hasn't done so really lowers my opinion of them.

But taking that view probably won't be for everyone.

This kind of situation can be incredibly painful. I hope you feel better about it soon .

I really appreciate your opinions. Western I've actually questionned this on and off over the years - I can count on both hands the number of times I've been visited in this time. Maybe I've just chosen to ignore the fact and I shouldnt be surprised at this behaviour. It's certainly got me thinking! I wouldn't dream of hurting anyone like this and would have the decency to explain if someone had upset me - maybe accepting she isn't that way inclined might help.

Few of us invest the same effort in a friendship. One friend can often be the "lead". There may also be a symbiotic relationship where there's more a giver / receiver type of relationship. What I’m saying is, few friendships are exactly 50/50.

Likewise, as new friendships form, old friendships can become less important. Like a bucket, perhaps there is a friendship capacity? We also evolve and Change.

Life changes, changes priorities, often at different times. A friend who keeps talking about kids when the other friend is single can be seriously boring.

None of this is helpful to you OP. I know it can hurt. Personally, I’d just move on in the same situation.

Thanks cleavergreene - I've had other friendships which have come and gone with life changes and can accept that. It's more the confusion and odd behaviour - I sent a text two weeks ago about a decorating issue (her hubby is a painter) and got a response in minutes and a conversation. I then sent another (as I am on leave now for two weeks) to catch up (as I have done every holiday this year) and nothing. I am going to let it go and move on - it's just very odd - just say thanks but no thanks!!!

Am in very similar position- even asked them in summer if they wanted to stop the friendship ( friend moved long way away so I was thinking if it was fresh start then maybe that’s what she wanted- as her interaction had totally altered)but they had said no they had just been busy.. anyway sometimes one never knows why but actions generally speak louder than words I think.. text her ysdy wishing her merry Xmas but no response ..

I have a much older friend who has lots of younger friends. She was forced to retire - she did not want to go and it knocked her for six and she dropped out of contact. Somebody recently bumped into her and we all had lunch. She admitted that she stopped contacting people because she felt down, and that we were all still working. She said she felt old and cast aside whilst we still had years ahead of us. But she has adjusted now, loves her semi retirement (she got a part time job) and has become passionate about a hobby so she is in a better space and wants contact again. Sometimes you don't know what is going on in people's heads and lives, even if you think you know them well. I would give your friend some space. Don't chase her, it will make you feel worse. If she is playing a type of passive aggressive game you are feeding her. If she genuinely has other stuff going on, just leave her be and hopefully she will come back into your life.

Is she married op? When my long standing friend went awol on me it turned out she was having an affair with her boss and wasn't sure of my reaction as I was also good friends with her dh... She avoided me..... Could this be the case with your friend?

I’ve had this happen to me. We were so close. We used to see each other almost every day. We would go through magazines talking about her wedding. Then I moved. Only 20 minutes away but it was like I’d moved to the other end of the world! It suddenly became me doing all the visiting. So I decided to stop running around and see if she would make some effort. A year passed with very little contact unless I initiated and I then saw photos of on Facebook of her wedding!!! She hadn’t even told me! It was very hurtful. I wasn’t expecting an invite but even friends from university that I haven’t seen in years invited me to their weddings!! It’s all very weird and I can’t help think it was done deliberately to be hurtful or she just didn’t give a shit. Either way I’ll never know and it has ruined any future friendship. I now don’t contact her 1st. I would not put myself out to see her. If we bump into each other then I’ll play nice but no emotional investment at all. It’s not worth flogging a dead donkey. Disengage. Don’t make a drama. Don’t message. Respond friendly if she contacts you but don’t make effort. Spend your mental energy making new friends and surrounding yourself with people who do care and make sure you post it up on Facebook so she knows your life doesn’t revolve around her

I'm distancing myself from a friend of 15 years. If we met now we wouldn't become friends. She embraces chaos and her stressed, complicated life rubs off on me. She also asks favours all the time - without asking - just expecting. They're ridiculously time-consuming favours which I now resent, as it's a one-sided thing. She wouldn't put herself out for anyone.

This sounds so nasty and horrible. I’m sorry that this is happening.

Ghosting is just damn right gutless and increasingly used.

I'm so sorry she is being like this to you OP. You sound lovely and a great friend to have.

Personally in my head I would just consider her an acquaintance from now on. I wouldn't make any further effort or contact with her. I'd ignore texts from her and not pick up phone calls but would be chatty and nice but vague if you happen to bump into her.

Do you have other, nicer friends you could spend some time with to help cheer you up?

Over the years l have pulled back on two friendships. One because she did a really mean and hurtful thing to me at a wedding, coompletely ignoring me when lots of others were around for her to chat with. The other because she has yet to acknowledge my dm died during the Summer. She knew as lots of others in the circle acknowledged it. I'm still chatting when l meet them but something in my heart has changed. Could there have been an incident you were not aware of that would cause her to pull back. I will never say anything to my two as l would find that humiliating but my view of them has changed.

Thank you so much for you kind comments and advice it's been really helpful. I'm not sure what if anything is going in in her life that may have caused this but having also had a goI'd chat with my sister I'm going to focus on me and let it be, hard as it may be for a while. I don't think I'll get any answers and I'm wasting energy chasing them. I'm worth more! Thank you again!

I'm in just this situation now and not sure what to do. I work with a really close friend so we talk a lot 9 to 5 and everything seemed fine when we left work on the 22nd but in the week leading up to this through to now she's stopped replying to any of my texts. I didnt worry too much at first but I know she's been talking to other people so I just don't understand it. There's been no falling out. I sent a friendly message a few days ago wishing her a happy Christmas and asking if everything is ok but no response. Should I try again as I hate the idea that there's this tension

Leave it NeverLearn1, it’s Christmas and she’s probably busy. A week isn’t ghosting, it’s just not getting around to replying yet. If there’s a problem then you’ll know when you get back to work and you can talk to her in person. There’s no point in wasting your time worrying about a text that possibly never got through/got read/arrived at an inconvenient time. Just enjoy your holiday.