Relationship changes after becoming parents

[PhoenixDad]

Im a little lost and really could do with some advice.
I have the most amazing wife and daughter but I'm struggling with the changes to our relationship. Before her birthday we had an amazing sexual relationship, but since the birth everything has changed (our daughter is 6 months old now). I know my wife is working incredibly hard looking after her and never gets a proper nights sleep but it feels like she has lost interest in me. I do my best to support her, working full time, doing all the cooking, looking after our daughter every night and doing the night feeds on weekends. I'm tired and stressed at work but whenever I with my wife I still see a sexy women and my mind gets going. No matter how I feel she makes me feel like that. But she never looks at me that way any more. It's always me who instigates it, and every time she ignores me, or changes the subject I feel crushed. I feel like I'm a sex pest, making her feel uncomfortable and dread the situations where I might make a move.

It's beginning to make me sad, I'm trying to hide it but I think she's picking up on it. I really want to talk to her about it but I'm worried I will upset her. And I know if I things did change it would be in the back of my mind she was only doing it keep me happy. The thought of her having sex with me when she didn't want too makes me feel sick.

Am I just being selfish and unreasonable? Do I risk it and talk to her, or do I accept our relationship has changed, try to close down those feelings and stop looking at her like that? No matter what happens I will always love her and I know our marriage would still survive.

Give it about 2-6 years OP.

Seriously. That's how long it can take before her mojo returns.

Read through some of the many threads on Mumsnet.

It does come back, but it took me around a year. Somehow for the first year, my body and mind were so attuned to the baby - massive change physically and mentally, never mind the sheer exhaustion - that there wasn't the space to also be a good sexual partner. When dc started sleeping properly, was mainly on solids and I was back at work, I started to feel like my own person again, not just a mum. Think my partner had just about given up on me, but it was lovely to rediscover our closeness.

Six months is still very soon OP. The physical changes from pregnancy and birth are huge. I’d stop trying to initiate for a while. See how things are in another six months.

Is she breastfeeding? If she is, I can't tell you strongly enough how badly breastfeeding hormones affect sex drive and even the ability to get wet during sex etc.

Also if it was a vaginal delivery, it can be very upsetting the changes that causes. She might be feeling a bit shocked at how she physically looks and feels.

You are being a bit unreasonable at only 6 months. But most of all you should talk to her about it. My husband never asked why and I really wanted to tell him. But I know he didn't want to push me or make me feel bad so he avoided the topic.

Maybe try for sensual physical contact with her instead of purely sexual. Run her a bath and wash her softly and gently and tenderly with NO sexual element to it. Or massage her. Or rub cream into her all over after her bath (or shower) but keep it non sexual. Or give her a foot massage. Or get her to lie her head on your knee while watching telly and stroke her hair while you watch a film. Something every day. Or most days. Just keep up the physical contact. Give her physical pleasure and relaxation and maintain the intimacy between you but with no expectations. Then hopefully there'll be no sexual relationship to "work on" later - it'll just progress naturally when she's ready.

Based on my experience, It is a vicious circle. A women who has given birth can feel overwhelmed, unattractive and exhausted so she is reluctant to have sex. Whenever DH initiates physical contact, she assumes he is looking for sex which she doesnt feel able to give, so she pulls away so as not to create expectation for him. This leaves him feeling rejected and over time he stops initiating contact and it gets worse.

Best thing to do is lots of non-sexual physical contact to keep your connection whilst she is adjusting. Don't expect things to turn sexual but eventually they will.

It may not be easy but DH did this for me and we both reaped the rewards in the end

Agree with the above. Six months isn’t long (although it may feel like it!) and there is absolutely no reason why your sex life shouldn’t get back to normal. If possible, you need to keep initiating, less frequently than before but every now and then, and try not get offended at all if she turns you down.

I agree with Rubylux.

In addition to that I would talk to her about how you're feeling and that also gives her an opportunity to communicate her feelings too.
When I had my DCs it would've been music to my ears to hear my partner found me sexy and attractive as I felt truly awful, my body was still changing, hormones everywhere and very little rest/sleep (or support but that's another issue), I felt ugly and a mess and as though I had little left of me to give to anyone else. However, if it helps at all, I never stopped finding him attractive

I'd keep up the support, loving massages and communicate.

Good luck.

Depending on the kind of birth she had, it can take quite a while to get back into the swing of things.

There is no doubt however that a lack of intimacy/initiation from her side will lower your self esteem.

I'd advise you to speak about it. A lot of women here will criticise you for even having sexual thoughts. 2-6 years is absolutely ridiculous though, and I'd leave if there was any hint of it heading that way.

Speak to her, tell her how you feel and see where she's at. Her confidence might be at an all time low - you'll never know.