Brother is reminding me of abusive father..guilt

[FlamingoParty]

I feel terrible even typing it but I've found Christmas Day exceedingly hard as my older brother's behaviour reminds me painfully of all the personality traits and quirks my father, who left my mum in a hideous way, and was abusive to me, had. It was me, my mum, my grandad and my brother this year for Christmas.
I am no contact with my dad but my brother isn't. Although as far as I know they aren't that close. My brothers never shown real understanding of what my father did and won't acknowledge that our father's actions were horrendous and damaging.

I should say I always wondered if my dad had Aspergers traits and my brother probably has them too - things like being self-centred, never asking about anyone else, making zero conversation, always seeming disinterested, huge lack of social skills, often is over-formal, gets obsessions. But also lots of characteristics which are just nasty e.g. being patronising, ignoring people, making fun of people (taking it too far), huge lack of respect for family and not caring e.g. in a recent medical crisis he tried to say everyone was being overdramatic and never offered any practical support/care.

My brother was quite rude to my mum all day. He would ignore her if she asked for help and wander into another room, didn't make any conversation, would sit at the table when we finished eating and let everyone else clear it, he was over-serious about everything and a general mood killer. I tried hard to keep it in and ignore but occasionally tried to get him to help out or pull his weight. He snaps back in a horribly over-assertive and belittling tone.
I kept getting flashbacks of how my father was. All the behaviours are scarily similar. I love my brother but found it so hard to watch. I hate to say it but my brother has a girlfriend who doesn't see this side to him. I know it isn't my business, it is up to her, but I do get scared for her as I feel some of these behaviours are so engrained.

I always hoped my brother was just a bit quirky or shy but today I feel like I saw a lot more of the difficult, worrying side. Often, despite these behaviours creeping through (and usually they aren't as bad, I think Christmas makes these things worse), I do feel his heart is in the right place and he means well. But then I can't excuse how he acts. I don't want to associate him with my father but he is the spitting image so it is hard not to.

Any words of wisdom or experiences greatly appreciated.

Don't ever put yourself through this again. He may be your brother but his behaviour puts your recovery from abuse at risk. His refusal to accept that your dad was abusive is the biggest problem here.

I'd stick to short visits where you can escape easily if he triggers your fear response.

Firstly, Aspergers isn't synonymous with being an arsehole and secondly, genetics isn't a good enough reason to spend time with unpleasant people.

There aren't any medals for taking anybody's shit.

Thanks both
I think what is hardest is he has this way of making most people around him see him as nothing but a harmless, slightly awkward but generally charming man. As my father did too.
It makes me wonder if seeing the more nasty behaviours is just me thinking back to my father or worrying that they are signs he may turn into my father.
I dealt extremely well with my father and his treatment and cut him out years ago. I don’t feel this is traumatising me, or ‘unhealing’ that work but it is bringing back memories and worrying me. I always thought my brother was different, that he’d look at my dad and never want to turn out to be him but it is scary how engrained the personality seems to be and how as the years go by he’s becoming more and more similar.