How to be more caring

[ItchyAnkles]

Hi all.

I've nc'd for this as I'm ashamed of myself for being this way. If my dp or exdp's have ever been ill my initial feelings are of annoyance and mild resentment that they are out of action for household chores. I have to force myself to conceal the negative feelings and consciously make an effort to be sympathetic and do nice things like bringing them lemsips and food etc.

If ever I'm ill my current dp can't do enough for me, he's wonderful, patient, caring and kind. Looking after me when I'm not 100% comes naturally to him. I have to admit that I like feeling looked after. People doing things for me when I'm ill and relieving me of family responsibilities makes me feel loved. I simultaneously feel guilt when this happens as I know I don't easily reciprocate when the roles are reversed. I hate that my natural reaction to an adult in need of tlc is cold and unsympathetic.

I think I probably see it as yet another set of things that I have to take responsibility for, having to pick up the slack, when I'm always somewhere on the 'frazzled' spectrum without the extra jobs to do.

I want to change. I want to give as much as I take, emotionally as well as practically, and enjoy doing it. I love my dp so much and it doesn't make sense that I feel like this.

Does anyone else have this problem and can it be changed?

Reciprocity is so important in any relationship - lacks of reciprocity can make people feel resentful and they will start treating you the same way that you treat them.

I don't show my feelings of irritation. As I said in my Op, I force myself to hide it and do and say the right things. I just wish I didn't have to fake it.

I have felt like this at times. Usually when I am already bearing a heavy load (emotionally), an being pretty hard on myself too and don’t feel I have anything more to give. Single parenting has killed my compassion/ empathy a few times over the years.

I think being kind to myself and finding some acceptance of myself and the situation usually gets me past it.

I agree completely that I feel like this too but only when there are multiple other external
stressors. Next time it happens, be kind to yourself, cut back on all stressors that you can possibly do (cancel commitments, get convenience food/supermarket delivery etc) and concentrate on you and your family.

It's nice that you want to change because you appreciate your dp treating you well when you feel bad. You have to just start by faking it till you make it. Ask yourself what would your dp do in this situation and do that.

Maybe you can make life slightly easier by stocking up for predictable illnesses - make sure you have paracetamol, Ibuprofen, aspirin, cold remedies, cough sweets, cough syrup, tissues, Immodium, couple of clean flannels to make cool washcloths, etc. stocked up in a 'medical box' plus long life juice or squash (for fluids for those feeling under the weather), small bottles of water to keep at the bedside, and some tinned/freezer food for quick, bland meals for people feeling under the weather. At least then if you, for example, come home from work to an ill family member, you won't have to schlep to the shops for something like Calpol or Nurofen and then cook dinner for the well members of the family. Maybe get some Flash wipes on hand for cleaning up the bathroom quickly too.

As other posters have said, focus on thinking about how you'd like to be treated when you're sick.

I'm like this but I think it's because I don't make a fuss when I'm ill but DP (and his whole family) are quite sensitive shall we say. Lots of sighing, needing to lie down etc. when unwell. Ugh

So many understanding responses! I didn't expect that. Thank you everyone for your suggestions. As pp's have said, I feel like this if I'm already very stressed. Unfortunately, as I have an ASC, I feel overstretched most of the time and having dc and the noise and chaos that comes with regular family life uses up all my energy. Focusing on how it feels to be taken care of when I'm unwell and doing the same for dp is a great way of looking at it, rather than beating myself up for being a cold hearted bitch which will take up even more energy. I'm pretty sure I keep it well hidden anyway.