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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

lost friendships, I need a reality check, or some commiseration please

25 replies

Chandra · 23/07/2004 23:00

As if I had not enough with the terrible last couple of days it seems now I have lost a friend...

She is moving out of England and asked me if she can tell the bank she was living at my address so she can keep her UK account, she has finished her studies and it's writing her thesis so chances of she coming back are minimal with the exception of coming back for the exam but that could take 1 to 5 yrs as once away it's difficult to find time or motivations to continue. So I said no but told her the reasons:

-People leave the country and things here become irrelevant, I receive the post of 5 other persons who left and said they will come back and they never did. And the main problem is that when away people don't pay much more attention to what is left behind and even if they do, most times is difficult to sort most problems from abroad. Last year I had to make many international calls to sort bank problems (bank charges which started to create interests and many letters going up in tone about the consequences of not paying), had to collect money from their debtors in order to pay these extras, have had to put for sale stuff that was left and deposit the money in their accounts, and we once were inundated with boxes of a family who left and told us if we could take care of some boxes (never did I imagined that they were going to be so big and so many that they occupied our visit bedroom for months and we even had to have them as "coffee tables" as we couldn't fit them anywhere), this year we boarded the attic in order to put so much of this left luggage which I seriously doubt continues to be important for the ones who left. And in all this time we have not got even a Christmas card saying they are OK or thank you for what we are doing.

She got very ofended and told me she would never do something like that, I explained to her that it was not that simple, that she was a very responsible person but sometimes things like cancelling a bank account can't be quite impossible if you are not present, but she got offended anyway.

I rang her yesterday and she told her husband to tell me she was busy.

I rang her again and explain her again that even if she was responsible if her account was charged by being innactive (and most banks do charge) it was going to be difficult to sort it up from abroad and even if I tried (as I have tried with other people's accounts in the past) I would not be able of sort it up. She told me that it was good that I have ring her to appologise because she was very offended, and she keep insisting that I have offended her so much, but now she had forgiven me (this was like smacking me as yesterday I have spent most of the day crying for other reasons).

We had invited them for dinner yesterday and she rang me just an hour before meeting to tell me they were not comming (we had already everything cooked).

As they are very busy with the packing and we are having a day out to a nature reserve tomorrow, we offer them earlier this morning to take their DD with us so they could speed up the process, her husband accepted the offer but I have spoken to her a few minutes ago and she first didn't seem happy with the fact we were leaving so early (at 10:00 as they normally sleep until 11:00) and she insisted in changing the place of our day out because she found it dangerous (we are just going to have a walk at a beach, not even bath in it), and didn't seem very happy when I didn't want to change the venue (after all we have been planning it since weeks ago), she told me that if the girl wants to go they will call us tomorrow.

And in all I feel like a terrible person because she got so angry and because she went to other friends to tell how rude we have been because we didn't aprove of her using our address for her bank account.

OP posts:
Chandra · 23/07/2004 23:12

BUMP???

OP posts:
annh · 23/07/2004 23:20

Chandra, I don't have any personal experience of this but just wanted to commiserate with you. I think it is unreasonable of your friend to want to use your address, surely there is no reason why she cannot have a bank account even if she is abroad? Dh and I moved all over and kept UK accounts. One the other hand, if she is not intending to return then she should close the account? I also agree that once people move out of a country many things become irrelevant and if she becomes overdrawn or runs up a credit card debt, it is your door that the baliffs will eventually come knocking on!

I am glad that you were sufficiently strong not to change your plans for your day's outing after being kind enough to offer to look after her daughter and as for her telling other friends how rude you were, just wait and see if any of them volunteer their address for her mail!

Janh · 23/07/2004 23:21

Oh, Chandra, poor you, much commiseration from me. Some people expect so much, maybe she wouldn't have dumped on you the way other people have, but having heard what you have been through she should have understood why you said no.

Please don't let her make you feel bad, you are very vulnerable at the moment so things get under your skin, but you were quite right to say no. You are not terrible, she should be apologising to you. (Probably won't, though. Even though she has been very rude and off-hand.)

You are a lovely and kind person.

mrsflowerpot · 23/07/2004 23:26

Chandra, lots of sympathy and hugs from me. It's horrible when people treat you like this. Is she a good friend, someone you've known for a long time?

IMO you were absolutely right to say no, it's a huge imposition and probably a bit dodgy too. Surely if they need to keep the UK account then the best and most honest approach is to talk to their bank.

She is behaving like a child sulking like this. Good for you for standing up for yourself. You're not a terrible person and I'm sure that the other friends will see how unreasonable she's being (I bet they're all hoping she doesn't ask them to do it!).

Pixiepod · 23/07/2004 23:27

Sounds like you are a lovely friend and she is taking advantage of your good nature. It may be because she is stressed about the move but she shouldn't be taking it out on you. I can totally understand your not wanting to administer her bank account, it is a responsibility that you shouldn't feel obliged to take on.

Telling her husband she isn't available and cancelling dinner last minute is childish and rude IMO. It's very disappointing when people we think are friends can behave so selfishly. You have explained your reasons for not wanting to do it and as a friend, she should respect your decision. I am aware from your earlier posts that you have a lot on your plate ATM (didn't feel I had anything special or useful to add to all the great advice from MNs who know you better) - but have had ups and downs with friends myself (who hasn't eh!) over the years and have found myself being compromised on lots of occasions, so can really sympathise.

As for tomorrow, a friend would be grateful of the offer and in fact you could feel offended that she doesn't feel her DD would be as safe on a walk at the beach as anywhere else with you, I know I would feel a bit miffed at that, you're sweeter than I would be for changing your plans!! If she wasn't happy with the location then she could have just said they were making the packing into a game to help DD come to terms with the move etc instead.

Really hope you feel better soon ((( )))

mummytosteven · 23/07/2004 23:35

Hi Chandra - have some commiserative hugs {{ {}}}

I think that you have done completely the right thing - anyway she was asking you for a favour so it is her that should be feeling guilty, not you for behaving this way. She is also being very inconsiderate to carry on sulking like this - I guess she is so taken up with the practicalities of her move that she is not considering anyone else's feeling. Given that all us MNetters think you are in the right, I'm sure that your other friends will agree with you - or will tacitly agree by not providing their address for her bank account.

Chandra · 23/07/2004 23:46

Thank you, I needed a pat in the back, it seems like everything goes wrong since a couple of months ago. I am bothered about it because I think is fair that if you ask for something you may also say no and that doesn't mean you are a bad friend, besides I offered her to stay at my house when coming for the finals and also offered her DH to stay with us while he finish his contract as she is leaving on monday, and they are returning the keys of their house this week. Why she focus just in my negative?. Anyways, I would preffer her not to leave angry but in a way... I know that it's highly likely that I won't see her again

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Jimjams · 24/07/2004 07:28

Chandra- read your other thread- and I have a feeling you may be at the Uni I did my PhD at. I had a pretty miserable time there as well. There's something about postgrad studies.....

Anyway sounds as if you have been entirely reasonable to me and as if your friend is being very childish. Imagine if something had gone wrong with the account and then she refused to talk to you...... That would have been helpful. Stick to your guns!

posyhairdresser · 24/07/2004 07:36

Sounds to me as if you are both having a generally stressful period in your lives and this has fuelled what would not normally be such a big deal...

not sure what the solution is though...

Chandra · 24/07/2004 09:06

You are definitively right... I would forget about it... having said that, we are still waitng for her to tell us whether her DD is coming or not... very considerate...

Jimjams, yes, there's something about postgraduate studies...this is my second MA and I had lots of fun in the previous one, but there's something about this city that doesn't make you love it, and this is mostly the general opinion. If DH came tonight and tell me we need to leave for tomorrow I would have everything packed in 15 minutes. Long time ago I had a very strange dream, I dreamt that I was dieing but I felt very happy because, finally, I was going to leave the city. I had a very peaceful sensation afterwards... strange isn't it?

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mummytosteven · 24/07/2004 09:08

chandra - do you mind a nosy question - just wondering what uni you were at - just that I always assumed you were in London for some weird reason!

Chandra · 24/07/2004 09:10

OK, I'm going to blow my cover, I'm in York!

OP posts:
Jimjams · 24/07/2004 09:22

Yup that's where I did my PhD (well DPhil as its York) and I LOATHED every minute of it. Moved to London to write up (and I'm not keen on London-lol). The only thing I liked there was the languages for all programme.

mummytosteven · 24/07/2004 09:25

hmmm, Chandra, now what sort of revelation can I reciprocate with at blowing my cover I live in Liverpool atm? you'll have to think of what information you want me to publish to even things out

never lived in York, just visited, but certainly reckon it would be far less fun/cosmopolitan to be in than Leeds or Manchester, so can see that it might not be the most friendly place for an expat. also the uni is pretty new - 60s campus so I guess that also makes a difference in terms of physical environment, and how well it is integrated into the local community.

Chandra · 24/07/2004 09:33

I have become an identifiable individual!!! I'm sure people I know, who I won't tell my secrets, post in mumsnet!!! AAARGH!!!

Jimjams, when were you here?

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Chandra · 24/07/2004 09:42

Well, it doesn't matter, as I don't know anybody from biology, if I remember right that was your subject, is it?

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mummytosteven · 24/07/2004 09:46

chandra - sorry if I have tempted you into doing something you are uncomfortable with if you are really worried, you can get tech to delete your post - and I'm happy for my post mentioning York to go, and I would have thought JimJams would be fine with hers mentioning York to go.

Twiglett · 24/07/2004 09:46

message withdrawn

boudicca · 24/07/2004 09:57

just wish you lived nearer-so I could give you a hug in RL
maybe if there is anyone on here that does 'know' you,they could do it for us all!

ps.I'm in SE.London,just so you know and don't get scared by the thought of strange 'ladies' clasping you to their bosoms!

Flossam · 24/07/2004 11:46

Chandra, I've just found out to my cost that even when you believe everything to be all tied up and dealt with when you move house, things can still pop out of the woodwork several months later. The only person I would consider asking such a big favour of is my mum. And then it would only be if stictly necessary. I don't understand why this is so necessary and why she dosen't recognise it as a favour. She is acting like it is her right. IMO, you can ask for a favour, if someone says no, then you have asked, but being a favour they are at liberty to say no. If I felt they were being selfish I would do my upmost to hide it from them and only discuss it in private with DP etc. Sorry she is behaving like this. Don't let her get you down.

Tinker · 24/07/2004 13:10

Chandra - I think your friend's behaviour is shocking, what a sulky inconsiderate madam. Also, if there are problems with her bank account at your address, could this not adversely affect your credit rating? Don't feel guilty about this, you are in the right.

Jimjams · 24/07/2004 14:54

Ages ago Chandra- 10 years now.

Papillon · 24/07/2004 15:34

It seems to me that your friend has offended you alot more than you her. Cancelling dinners and being very controlling. You really sound like a lovely person Chandra. She is acting in a very self centred way. It is horrible when someone asks you something and you say yes to be obliging when in reality you would rather say no. So well done on being honest and realistic with her!

We had a neighbour come and ask to lend some money today - my dh gave it too him - tbh I was not so happy about the situation. On one hand I like to help others, but do feel he is taking advantage abit - we hardly know him. So fingers crossed he will pay the money back.

Chandra · 25/07/2004 00:36

As a little update I will now proceed to eat my words:

At the end we got their call and took their girl to the beach with us, we had a fantastic day, we laughed a lot , ran around, built a castle and play hide and seek, we had the beach completely for ourselves, it was such a perfect day I felt like keeping the girl at the end of it!, we really had a good time, specially DS who is inlove with her since he first saw her at 3m .

So we returned her home around seven, she seemed so happy her mother was very grateful, specially as she has been very worried lately because the girl is finding the move very difficult. They asked us to stay for dinner and afterwards some other friends joined us for a coffee to say good bye. It seems all the people I have known for more than 2 years are moving back to their countries in the next two months so we had a very emotive evening with lots of photographs and lovely words. The friend who was so angry this morning cried when she said good bye to me, so I'm so happy she is not leaving angry.

It was hard to say good bye. DS is very attached to her DD, and when she said good bye DS embraced her as if he knew he won't see her again, it just broke my heart. DH, who is a softie, was weeping and told me afterwards he was so sad knowing DS would be saying good bye to friends all the time if we stay here, he doesn't want that for him either.

PS. Boudicca, is not that I feel "scared by the thought of strange 'ladies' clasping you to their bosoms!" The only thing I am afraid of is that DH's boss ends up being a Mumsneter, do you imagine? no more important projects as evil wife may be willing to move! (Stupid me! how I didn't realise about that earlier? that could actually work on my benefit! )

Thank you all again, your messages have had a very special effect on my self-esteem today, bless you.

OP posts:
mummytosteven · 25/07/2004 00:37

so glad that this has all finished on a positive note.

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