I need a good flaming....step forward

[Insanetothemembrane]

NC'd as I need to maintain my anonymity. DP and I have been going through a tough time lately due to his ex girlfriend's constant attempts to reassert herself into his life. He's behaved like a shit over the last 18 months and has gone back to her each time things got tough, hence my struggle with their relationship and subsequent paranoia.

DP has been on an emotional rollercoaster since his divorce which has had a pretty devastating impact on the relationship he has with his DC. Consequently, he's visiting them overseas for Christmas. I am a keen advocate of him building bridges with his DC and therefore supported this trip fully.

Just prior to his trip his ex girlfriend has popped up again and I blew up at him (perhaps wrongly). She has a boyfriend whom she's introduced to her brood of children but she still contacted my DP and suggested reuniting.

DP and I have been very up and down since this and I have been very paranoid. I found out that last week he met up with his ex-girlfriend and took her back to his place and had sex with her. I feel like I've been winded and feel sick to my stomach.

For full disclosure he met up with her earlier in the year and contracted HPV which later manifested in genital warts. He claims she transmitted the virus to him. Thankfully after extensive testing I don't have it but I'm just floored that he would have sex with her. Thankfully after extensive testing (a usual STI test can't detect) I got the all clear but it was still very hard for us to deal with.

I'm exceptionally angry and feel quite vengeful. I've debated telling her boyfriend what she's been up to so that he can get tested as condoms don't protect against genital warts. I sound like I'm blaming just her, I know he's a complete shit too.

He's feeling very nervous about seeing his family and consequently sent me a text at 12am to wish me his first merry xmas. He later set his alarm at 4am his time to ask me about my gifts etc. This is apparently him showing effort. I emailed him in a moment of weakness and we have spoken as he's got a day travelliing. He's very sorry and has asked to see me.

I should not give him a second thought, nor should I see him but I'm hurting so badly and want to eradicate the pain.

How is it possible to love a man who treats women so disgustingly badly? It makes me think I must be crazy!

You’re not crazy but you do need to leave him but I think you know that. I was with my ex for 7 years when he told me he’d met someone else was in love and wanted to marry her but I was his best friend blah, blah, blah. I threw my stuff into black bin bags on my birthday after a jaw op and asked family to come and drive me home as I wasn’t allowed to drive and cut all contact. It hurt like hell. But like you I deserved better. Block his number and email and move on. You’re worth more.

So he's away now with his ex-wife and dc?

And he also shagged his ex-gf earlier this year - and then again this week?

Blimey, I don't think many women would accept this. Have you worked out why you are so keen to?

He sounds vile, and diseased. Why would you want him near you again?

Why are you putting up with his behaviour? You have given him implied consent - Why are you with him? What are you getting out of the relationship? He is your boyfriend and not even your husband.

Where do you see yourself in two years?

Bin, bin, bin! And look forward to a happier 2018 without him.

No he's not with his ex-wife, his family and later in the week his DC. Not that it makes it any better.

I'm flummoxed as to why I keep going back, his ex girlfriend says the same thing about herself. He is very addictive and i'd liken the relationship to being on a rollercoaster. When things are good I'm exceptionally happy, we have a great sex life and have lots in common but his selfish self preservation and my paranoia is toxic. He knows he can always go back to her for a quick shag because she's even more crazy than me!

You must get away from this man and this situation

You deserve better

How is it possible to love a man who treats women so disgustingly badly?

You don't, you love the person whom you once thought he was. And you still can't quite believe that this person does not actually exist and will never be coming back because he was never there to start with.

Don't wait for the headspace. Get this vile twat out of your life now and the headspace will follow. Your emotions usually follow your actions, not the other way round.

You're not addicted to him; you're addicted to the rollercoaster. It might be worth considering exploring why it has such an allure for you.

Cmon, even if you're not humiliated about it, you must be a bit embarrassed, no?

It is not paranoia though is it? He was doing bad things, you suspected he was doing bad things because he often does bad things. That's awareness of the reality of the situation.

Have some self respect. This man is complete TRASH. You know this. Stop letting him walk all over you.

Do you think the fact that he is so wanted by the ex subconsciously makes you think you need him too?

Try to change your mindset, he is a shit, she's welcome to him and you're better off just walking away.

You need to get this man out of your life. He’s awful.

And whilst you’re wasting your life trying to understand the actions of this stupid shit you could be out there meeting the man of your dreams. He is not your problem anymore, you know that, move on and block him. Take one day at a time. It won’t be easy but you’ll be so, so glad you did.

Turn all that love you have for him and effort you're expending on him back on yourself. To be blunt you need to work on your self love. You should be the prize a man is desperate to win. Not running around all over the place chasing a man who doesnt respect you. You know you have to reclaim your self respect and cut him out. Look after yourself and make sure next time you give the next man the knowledge you are the prize not an option

Ltb

Sounds exactly like the man Ive been seeing. I am having therapy to figure out why I take him back everytime. It’s not working. I have blocked and have to work on keeping him blocked x

This guy is not your partner in the true sense.
He has zero respect for you or any other woman for that matter.

Ewww. He sounds grody. Bin him.

It will hurt for a bit but find on yourself some inner strength. We’ve all been there.

Life is so damn short. Don’t waste your best years on some asshole with dick warts and the propensity to fuck you over at will.

Please please don't go back to this loathsome piece of shit.
You know exactly what you should do.

Join the NC thread and enjoy the next year in control, with some self-esteem and no STI's.

Wow. You know you need to end this don’t you. I feel itchy just thinking about him. Yuck.

So he was married with children and then got divorced, we don't know why , then did he leave the country his children live in or did his ex wife go back to her home country?
If the former then that in itself is a big red flag flapping in your face. He doesn't give a shit about his own children. Stop and think about that.
He then shags his ex girlfriend, gets a disease, then betrays you again.
He could also be sleeping with other women, you simply!y do not know.
He is now in another country waking you up at ridiculous times because he is a selfish twat.
Did you tell him to stop waking you up and fuck off?
You do know that given the chance he will be shagging someone else whilst away don't you.
My only advice us to block him.
Never engage again.

But you are not paranoid. He is being unfaithful and a complete shit. Your suspicions are completely justified.

He is not addictive. You are somehow drawn to this drama.

Do you want to live like this forever? Then stay right where you are. No one is saying you have to leave....as long as you accept that this will be your life.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. Yes, he truly is a walking red flag, unfortunately I am able to recognise this most of the time but still keep going back. I'm seeing a psycho-therapist now because he's made me feel like I'm the crazy one (and perhaps I am because I keep going back to him).

He didn't wake me up at 4am, it was 4am his time, he set his alarm so he could be 'present' with me virtually on Christmas Day. He also asked me to spend the last leg of his trip with him, I've politely declined.

His treatment of his ex and her DC far surpasses my shit treatment so I should be thankful really. I think perhaps he chooses vulnerable women because both she and I go back to him and believe the bullshit, until the next time.

He never used to be this person, I'm not sure what happened to him. I just keep hoping he will return because for the first 2 years we were so unbelievably unhappy.

One day at a time. I think I just have the Boxing Day blues.