Cycle of infuriation and self-hatred

[EllaOlla]

My DM and MIL are very similar. Both position themselves as kindly grandmothers but both quite emotionally controlling, negative people who hide behind sickly sweet smiles and giggles. They witter inanely with crap in fear of any moment silence and don't think before they speak resulting in frequent passive aggressive rude comments.

I struggle with my DM a lot at the moment and am finding that our relationship is the common focus in counselling sessions I am having. I am working hard on not letting her infuriate me and on realising I cannot change her, only my response to her.

I am spending the week with my MIL who winds me up equally. Just the constant digs given with a masking little girl giggle as if she's sweetness and light. I'd rather she just own her opinion, even if it's a negative one. She's clearly thinking it, so laughing after she says it doesn't take away from it.

But, to get to the point, the worst of it is that I feel my blood boiling and I hate myself for it. I can objectively understand that neither my DM or MIL are bad people. They are hardly abusive. In fact they are very loving GMs. So I hate myself for having this reaction to them. I probably see myself in them. Or fear becoming them.

It's Christmas week and I feel I'm being sullen but I'm struggling to be around her as I internally react so badly to so much of what she says. It's easier to try and become invisible or busy myself with the DCs.

My DP is equally at ease with my DM and his DM. He is brilliant at being able accept people's faults non-plussed. I wish I was more like him. I recognise it's the way to stay sane.

Can I ask your advise as to whether, over this week, to work on the feeling of infuriation and try to see MIL as the good GM she is. Or to accept my feelings about her and try to alleviate the self-hatred about feeling that way about her.

Does that make sense? I find I'm always in a constant bind of feeling something negative and unsure if I should not feel it or if I should accept the negative feeling and try and move on.

It sounds like you have a look of self-awareness about it, whicy is a great start. I think accepting your feelings will work better than repressing them but I think you can also work to see the good in them at the same time if that makes sense? If you are more forgiving of yourself I think that will extend to being more forgiving of them. Do you have any idea what it has been about their upbringing/ relationships etc that has led them to be like this?

You need to discuss this in depth with your counsellor
You sound as if you have serious paranoia issues. I find it hard to believe that both DM and MIL have the same hidden characteristics that no one else sees but you.

It makes perfect sense.
My DM is very like what you describe. It helped our relationship greatly when I stopped being cross and angry about her and started feeling sorry for her. I now feel very sorry for her that she is unable to express any emotion. I feel very sorry that she is stuck in such a negative spiral etc etc. I find it affects me much less.
Sending

Thank you for taking the time to write Sophia, Posh and Bigfoot.

I think they both are sweet kindly women who mean know harm. It's my over reaction to them that is most likely the problem. They are both intelligent, capable, professional (before they retired) women and it's the little girl act that infuriates me. It's like they have an opinion on something, voice it in a passive aggressive way then giggle and retract it as if they were a child. It drives me bonkers.

Posh while I recognise I sound paranoid it's often remarked how similar they are. They are exactly the same age, class, level of education, same politics. They both divorced their husbands at the same age, same number of children. They even have the same first name. It's an odd coincidence we laugh about. They don't know each other well but I'm sure they'd get on.

I understand the advice about feeling sorry for them Bigfoot. I wish I could make the leap to it. I need some distance.

But it's this weird parent/child act they both do. Where they don't want to take charge but actually have a strong opinion on the matter. With MIL this week, when I have taken charge there's been a slight resistance as if I were being bossy and not knowing my place. But had I waited for her to stick to an opinion we'd never do anything.

I try very hard to think about how dreadful it would be to not forge a more positive relationship with both, before it's too late. But when I'm with each of them I feel on edge and just want to shrink away.

Is it inevitable that you turn into your mother?! The thought of my dd feeling this way about me breaks my heart. I recognise my DM so much in myself.

When I'm not with them I can't imagine how they could possibly get to me so much. I go into each visit quite looking forward to seeing them.

I should have said, my DP does see the behaviour, he just doesn't react to it. He takes them at face value, or just as 'old' or whatever and will chat happily with them. He sees my reaction as immature. I'm sure he's right. But I can't seem to get myself out of feeling this way when I'm with either of them.

Why are the options you give yourself so extreme?

Can I ask your advise as to whether, over this week, to work on the feeling of infuriation and try to see MIL as the good GM she is. Or to accept my feelings about her and try to alleviate the self-hatred about feeling that way about her.

Sounds to me like you are saying she is a good GM who happens to have no confidence in her own right to have an unpopular opinion so she does weird stuff in conversation, which gets on your tits no end. Surely you have other people in your life who you like but who have a habit that irritates you?

I found this odd:
With MIL this week, when I have taken charge there's been a slight resistance as if I were being bossy and not knowing my place.
I get along really well with my ILs but I had catsbum face at me more than once today and there was resistance to some things about the children. Tbh, I didn't give it another thought until this post. They have funny old-fashioned ideas / just different ideas about things. We carry on regardless. The relationship carries on well regardless.

Can you do that too?

Ella, you are doing well just wanting to spend any time with either of them! It's crappy for you that they make you feel like this, I know how you feel, there is one GM who has some of these traits, it's got easier for me, as my DD got older, she can see odd behaviour and that it's not ok to be like that. The more you know yourself, the easier it will be to survive the visits. Good luck with the rest of the stay.

I can objectively understand that neither my DM or MIL are bad people. They are hardly abusive. In fact they are very loving GMs. So I hate myself for having this reaction to them

Mmm. I used to try to force my feelings about my mother into that mould. "She's not a bad person, she loves me in her own way, it's just how she is..."

Yeah how she is - a totally shit parent who in the cold objective light of day chose to continually throw me under the bus, deny me my emotions, rely on me to comfort her (to be her parent in fact), and filled me with a constant low level self-questioning about whether I was in fact a complete useless cunt and should just do what she thought forever.

You may wish to spend some time on the Stately Homes threads on this Relationship board.