I hate my MIL so much it’s making me detest my husband. Help!

[KBA3]

I don’t even know where to start with why.
It’s been 10 years of hell. I tried so hard for so long and her sneaky meddling just got worse and worse. Now....I HATE her.
Maybe it’s bec I realize how hard I tried and that she still did such evil things to me and my kids.
The BIG problem is I’ve started to detest my DH because he reminds me of her. And as the months & years go by he seems to behave more & more like her.
I can only just tolerate him these days. Not sure what to do.

Is he actually being vile?

Is it an option to go NC with MIL to see if it makes a difference with DH?

No in his defense he isn’t. But his mannerisms are so similar I just see her. It’s terrible :( I may as well have her standing right there and I just want to be away from her. Not sure what to do.

I don’t have any contact with her in the last 6 months. But it’s been 10 years of abuse so the scars are deep.
I finally stood up to her but it seems to be having a knock on effect as now my need to be away from her is extending to DH. He isn’t her, but has similarities as would any family members I guess.

Please try to persevere, when you think he looks like your MIL try to erase that image and look at your dc and imagine an expression/ something similar to your dh that you see in your dc. I have been through this and it does get easier the longer you are NC! I don't see it anymore, I only see the similarities between my dh and my dc. You got through ten years of hell and your dh has obviously supported your going NC? You are away from her now and you have the chance to focus on your marriage and your little family.

Try to remember why you are with your dh! To stay by his side despite ten years of abuse from your MIL, you must really love/ have loved your dh! My dh and I went absolutely NC six years ago, we are now so, so happy! Our relationship has flourished since we made that decision!

Do you think maybe therapy would help, that sounds rather extreme? Hopefully that will help you to move past the feelings of anger against your toxic MIL.

Obviously your DH is still the man you fell for in the first place, so therapy will help you to remember what it was about him that appealed to you.

Yes I see my MIL's mannerisms in my DH and also some of my children - it is both a blessing and a curse! Sorry no advice but I know your pain.

If you can only tolerate him...that's not much of a marriage is it.

It's not fair to him. He is her son, so of course he'll remind you of her.

If it's because his own behaviour is an issue... then you need to separate the two.

I'm not getting the feeling this is a particularly loving marriage.