It's Christmas eve, do I call my mum?

[cupcakesmakeyouhappy]

About 3 months ago, I had a heart to heart with my mum. After a very troubled upbringing of emotional neglect and abuse, I would like to leave the past where it belongs. Obviously I have many scars and wanted to bring a few things up that were still troubling me. I basically tried to say to her we are alive, we are your children, we can move forward. The reason for the heart to heart was because she continued to act so selfish and I felt convienient (when a man is not on the scene). My mum is never ever happy alone to the point of deep depression. I have tried to help.
Anyway, she said I was mean bringing this up and I should think about what she has done for me (financially helped me a few years back when my exh left). I don't want money, I want her love I want to feel she cares. Ever since she stopped speaking to me.
It's Christmas eve and she hasn't mentioned when she will see my dc's. Give them their Christmas gifts.
I'm angry and hurt. Do I call her and tell her. She won't care. Do I just accept that she doesn't care? It's not going to change. I just can't understand how a mother can just be this uncaring.

NO

Don't call. She won't have changed from an uncaring abusive mother just because it's Christmas eve.

The fact that she chose to turn the tables on you when you tried to discuss the past shows that 'it's all about her'.

OP, please concentrate on yourself, on your healing from the past abuse and neglect.

If you feel the relationship deteriorated to the point where she only saw you as a convenience, it isn't going to get any better unless she decides to change her mindset and places you higher up her priority list.

It doesn't sound like she is going to change any time soon. Certainly not in the next 24 hours. Christmas is just a day, it doesn't cancel out relationship problems, but it becomes loaded with expectations that things have to be perfect when they absolutely aren't.

If she brings you unhappiness, then keeping your distance is a good way to self protect.

Phone her if it'll make you feel better, don't if it won't

It depends- are you asking this because you want to speak to her or because you feel duty-bound to call? If it’s the latter then don’t bother. If it’s the former, I’d do it. It might not work out (she might not answer or might be rude) but at least you’ll have tried.

hell no.

Join the Stately Homes thread on this board.

No.

I want to ring to ask why she thinks it's ok not to spend any time over Christmas with my dc's. How is that kind? Whatever she thinks of me, surely she should want to see them over Christmas.
She has always been very selfish so her blaming me for bringing up the past didn't surprise me. It's how she has just completely not acknowledged us. How can she not want to see us over Christmas. How can she think this is all ok. I couldn't bare to not be a part of my dc's life.
It's not guilt, I feel anger and I'm finding it difficult to understand how a mother can continue to be this way and not want to sort things out.

No don’t phone. I’ve been through this and my EA, mother eventually moved abroad with husband 3.
She then proceeded to blame me for her not seeing the GC, she very, very, rarely could be bothered to see them when she lived in the U.K.
The best thing was going NC. Don’t ever think you can change mothers like this, all your efforts just enable and feed their narcissistic personality.

You won't ever get the relationship you want with her. Nothing you say or do will turn her into the mother you want. If you can't deal with who she is, you are best to stay away.

How is that kind?

Why do you expect her to be kind?

I don't think I can change her. Not even change her, it's trying to make her see we are family, we should be important.
Kind, because she's my mum.

Sadly though, that isn't her. It should be, I agree. It isn't though. She cannot be different. No more than she can be taller, or cleverer. She just doesn't have the capacity.

Kind, because she's my mum

Does she have a history of being kind to you? If not, why would she start now?

Last year her partner passed away and she said she appreciated life even more. Making out family were really important. Only a man will make her happy. We can't for some reason and that makes me feel so sad. It didn't take long for her to fall back into her selfish ways . I have tried everything to help her see what she has but it's not good enough.

I'm afraid she sounds like the kind of person who will say what she needs to to get what she wants. When she wants attention because she is alone, she'll come to you. When she has someone else, she won't bother.

Yes, very true!
I sent a text message 'Merry Christmas and have a lovely day'. She text back just, happy Christmas. She rang my dc's only because they were texting her asking when they would see her and she said some time this week. Didn't ask to speak to me! Never mind! I suppose that's closure for me!
Merry Christmas MN