What should have happened? What would you have done?

[OhPleaseNotThatAgain]

One parent is an alcoholic. Not violent but extremely toxic and emotionally abusive. The spouse of the parent is the only breadwinner and trying to hold everything together. Children are 8 and 10.

Spouse knows that if they kick the alcoholic out, the alcoholic will most likely end up dead in a bedsit hovel. Despite being a terrible cunt the alcoholic is also very vulnerable.

So the spouse decides to keep living with the alcoholic and subjecting the DCs to the craziness and horrid atmosphere. Because to see the alcoholic living in squalor alone and in danger would be too much on their conscience.

In this situation what should or could have been done to protect the children?

To avoid drip feeding: the alcoholic was my mum, the spouse is my dad and the DCs are obviously me and my sibling.

My childhood totally fucked me up but looking back I can’t see what dad could’ve done differently. Were we just destined to have our lives damaged by alcoholism? Was there never an alternative and that was just our lot in life?

Meant to add that I am really struggling with this at the moment. Don’t know if it’s Christmas dragging it all up or what. I’ve been hiding upstairs from my family (DH, DCs, DB and SIL, MIL) because I can’t stop crying this morning. I just keep thinking about my child self and thinking ‘why did no one protect us?’

Similar story here

I often wish my mum had left my alcoholic dad. Not only would we have had a better, fuller life but so would have my Mum.

Except she chose to join him whenever he was in the pub.

I left Home at 16 wanting more from life. The cycle happened again when my sister was born a few months later.

In the end, my dad died this year, thanks to that lifestyle. My mum has lost her drinking partner and the sad life she has only known. She’s barely ventured from her home town all her life, never been abroad, never been out for anything more than a pub lunch. It’s like another chance at life, but we could have all had this about 20 years ago.

The best thing I can suggest is focus on the life you have. I imagine you have done everything opposite to ensure your life is no longer affected by alcoholism. You’ve come far, you’re strong, and you’ve learned.

The thing is if my dad left my mum she would died a terrible death.

She died anyway but at least she wasn’t alone on a grotty sofa.

Dad never drank really but we all realise that he was an enabler.

I just don’t see how else it could’ve turned out. But I have so much repressed rage in me now that no one stepped in and protected me and my sibling.

Maybe you’re right. The past is done and I need to concentrate on living well.

I just really feel like I need to make sense of it.

To be honest I would say that the spouse was trying to ease his own conscience at the expense of the DCs childhood. Maybe he was just trying to do his best but it was an awful error in judgement that cost you a lot. IMO he could, and should, have left with you and your sibling. Children need stability and security - both your parents failed to provide you with that.

Getting upset about childhood stuff much later is quite normal I think. Sometimes it takes having your own kids to make you realise just how vulnerable you were at that age.

Put the children first and get rid of spouse. If they died in a hovel that would be because of their own choices, the children had no choice.

I think you already know that.

But do you think that it would be worse for the DCs to know their mum was alone and very vulnerable and potentially in danger? That worry and guilt would’ve been just as damaging wouldn’t it?

I honestly don’t know the answer. I wish I could move past this but I’m stuck on it for some reason.

I want to talk to DH but he’s a really happy naturally Tiggerish person and I just don’t think he’d get it. And I can’t find the words. So I end up picking fights with him just so I can get some of the anger out.

I don’t think I’m a very nice person to live with at the moment. Something needs to give but I can’t get beyond this issue of my childhood.

It was the same for me. My dad enabled my mum. My mum has also passed now. Her final year i managed to actually have my mum sober for the first time in my life. Due to her illness.

I understand the damage as a child. I also wonder why i was forced to live like that. But...my mum was my best friend once i moved out and we were extremely close.

I often have blips where i overthink it all and end up upset because like you, i cant make sense of it all. I have been in therapy for a number of years due to a few reasons but my childhood being one of them.

The way i try to look at it now is although the circumstances were incredibly shit and harmful. It was better than the alternative of my mum being an alcoholic on her own and probably dying so much sooner.
There was no stopping her drinking, with or without my dad being there as an enabler.
We had the best we could get out of a horrible situation

I think if mum had died alone in a shithole I would still feel really messed up about that.

I don’t think there’s anyway my sibling and I could’ve avoided being permanently damaged.

X posts FrustrationQueen. Yeah that’s exactly how I think about it. The least worst option.

That’s good that you had that time with your mum at least. I have a few dim memories of her when I was young but I don’t feel like I ever really knew my mum.

Even though i had that year, i still feel anger about it.
All my years and it was only due to her being ill that she stopped drinking. Why was i never a good enough reason?

The scars run deep and it seems there is negativity no matter which angle you look at it from. You can only try and fight the negativity and force yourself to allow yourself to feel the positivity.
It ruined my childhood. I do not want it to ruin my adult life.

Dont allow it to ruin your christmas.

Two things here.

Do you believe this?
Because to see the alcoholic living in squalor alone and in danger would be too much on their conscience.
Or do you think it was his easy option and not really thinking of the children?
Who do you blame?

Then, you.
You've had to cope with a bad situation effectively created by two people.
Can you find it in your heart to recognise that people are flawed and forgive them?
This is different from accepting a situation. But, at this point, there is nothing that you can do about it, except to accept that it made you what you are and move on.
You can find peace in yourself and concentrate on yourself and your weelbeing. Not on the past, except to avoid repeating errors other people have made. Otherwise it will eat you inside and you won't be able to be happy.

But do you think that it would be worse for the DCs to know their mum was alone and very vulnerable and potentially in danger? That worry and guilt would’ve been just as damaging wouldn’t it?

Why would they know any of that if their parent was doing their job? they wouldn't. And no, I don't think it would be as bad.

@OhPleaseNotThatAgain

Different generation, different situation. Nowadays there's loads more help for people like your Mum. So your dad could ( now) pass her on.

Your dad did his best, your Mum did her best with her terrible illness.

You need lots of help and support - counselling - to lay your demons from your childhood.

I've felt similar in regards to my childhood. I really had to work out who I was angry with? My Mum for what felt like enabling what happened or my dad for being the abuser

The thing I take from this is that your childhood situation, whoever was responsible for it is irrelevant. It's now affecting your life at present and relationship with your DH. Unfortunately only you can change this.

You say you can't express yourself to your DH but you write eloquently, could you show him this thread?
Would you consider counselling to work through your feelings?
You and your feelings are something maybe you should prioritise in 2018.
Living with a tigger can force you to shut down difficult emotions.

I can only answer from an indirect perspective. But I think in that situation the drive would be to protect everyone (mum and children) if possible, obviously in the past there were a lot less resources than there are today so easier said than done. But if not possible, the children should always come first. Unfortunately, relationships with an alcoholic often involve a lot of codependency and feelings of responsibility for the alcoholic when maybe other priorities should come first. It’s not as straightforward as it all looks on paper.

My husband’s dad was an alcoholic. His mum tried to take care of him for years, but eventually said enough is enough to protect her kids. About a year or so later, he did in fact die alone in a bedsit. She took a lot of blame in the family for not ‘saving’ him. But the truth was she had to save herself and her kids first. Losing their dad has been painful (also lost my own around the same age, not to alcoholism), but because she protected them, they came out relatively unscathed and resilient. I think every family is different though and it’s not always as simple as that sounds (it wasn’t simple, she blamed herself a lot for what happened, but ultimately the children came out in a good place, despite it all). Who knows though what might have been the alternative. Maybe he could have gotten sober with more love and support? There’s no way to know.