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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How to support friend leaving abusive relationship?

1 reply

MargaretCavendish · 24/12/2017 09:08

A few days ago my friend's husband beat her and chucked her out the house. She's in her parents' house, and swings between being adamant that she's never going back (and the more she talks the more she realises that while he'd never been physically violent before, the relationship has been an abusive one from the start), and talking about how much she misses and loves him. I know enough to know that this is normal, and to know that a large percentage of women go back to abusive partners, but I'm completely out of my depth and just don't know how to support her best - I'm lucky enough to have never had an abusive relationship, and to my knowledge don't know anyone else who's been through this.

I feel relieved that she's with her parents, who I think would actually kill him if they could, and who will do everything they can to stop her going back - but I also know that she's an adult and none of us can ultimately stop her doing what she decides to do. My worst fear is that she'll go back and try and hide it/isolate herself from the family and friends who know what he did, so that she's alone and unsupported.

So what's the best way to support this friend? I've repeatedly told her that no one ever deserves to be treated as he treated her, and that she deserves better - but I'm.worried that if I criticise him too much (we've all always disliked him, though none of us thought he'd do this) it makes her defensive of him. And what practical things can I do to support her? She doesn't need anything material like bringing food etc., because she's with her mum and dad right now.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 24/12/2017 09:16

Try to create some space for her to be herself. If she gets a chance to remember her true self that she may have had to suppress it will help her.
I had a friend who came on walks with me and one who talked to me about crafty things and asked my opinion of things she was making.
In an abusive relationship you can forget who you are. If you build a stronger sense of self it makes it easier to stand up for yourself.

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