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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Separated for 7 months, would you take him back?

51 replies

Npgd81 · 24/12/2017 00:00

Hi. This could be long and please go easy on me!

i Have 3 children aged 15, 11 and 3 (3 year old is my husbands)

We’ve always had problems with him spending on his credit card secretly, paying for adult work when we were seeing each other and after our honeymoon (it was only cos of my snooping I found out this, he used to hide credit card statements from me.) He was also very lazy and never helped around the house, I work full time from home and some days he’d be off and not move off the sofa all day..

Things got bad last year when he went out with his mates and decided he wasn’t happy but we carried on. Then his mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer last December. Things got quite bad and once again he went out with his mates in May and said he wasn’t happy. He also lied quite a bit. One night he told me he was doing over time and he wasn’t and had booked into a hotel because he needed space! He had also been messaging another woman who was from his work. I knew he was up to something because he’s always so secretive with his phone. He never wanted to be close to me. He said we had split up but had to live together and one day we had a big row and I kicked him out. That was 7 months ago. He was awful once he’d gone, threatening etc.

Anyway 7 months down the line and we do get on well but I enjoy my own space and am independent and I guess selfish now because I earn my own money and he put us into a lot of debt with his gambling and excessive spending.

He wants me back, he wants to come home but I’m just not sure I can do it. He says he’s changed and time out has made him realise how much he misses us. (He isn’t living with husband parents) We’ve spent a little bit of time together the past couple of weeks and he still does my head in and not sure I can trust him again but I’m not sure if I do miss him? He said he lost his way after his mum was diagnosed but deep down I think there’s always been issues.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
category12 · 24/12/2017 07:31

Why on earth would you want him back?! You don't, you're happy without him, you say it yourself. Don't go back to someone who treated you like that.

You do realise when he booked into a hotel, he was shagging someone else? Needed space, what a crock.

Josuk · 24/12/2017 08:27

OP - start by asking him to give you his Adult Works sign-in details....
And ask to show you his phone.

When you see his reaction - you’ll stop having doubts and falling under is influence.

seven201 · 24/12/2017 08:33

There is nothing in your post that even remotely makes me things you should take him back. You'd be setting an awful example to your dc too. He's a knob

Only1scoop · 24/12/2017 10:08

Ugh

Well rid

Baubletrouble43 · 24/12/2017 10:14

No no no no no. He sounds dreadful and you are far better off without him and I think you know this. And by the way, its not selfish to want financial security for yourself and your kids! Have a wonderful Christmas, and life, without himxxxxxxxx

Original poster
Npgd81 · 24/12/2017 11:06

Thank you everyone. He just keeps hassling me saying I don’t give anything back when he tells me he loves me etc. He reckons he’s changed and isn’t lazy anymore but I just can’t take the risk. I agree he’s not a role model for my DC’s and in a way I’ve always thought this.
I’m not interested in the adult work thing anymore, it was 6 years ago but I do feel a lot of these issues have left me scarred. I am going to see a counseller in the new year

OP posts:
category12 · 24/12/2017 11:20

Just tell him you don't want him back and stop engaging with "relationship" talk with him.

category12 · 24/12/2017 11:21

Just tell him you don't want him back and stop engaging with "relationship" talk with him.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 24/12/2017 11:25

He's telling you what you want to hear to win you over and probably because he hates living with his mum and dad. Don't relent when you've come this far and what an amazing role model you're being for your children not putting up with any crap any more. The counselling will help you stay strong. Flowers

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 24/12/2017 12:24

If he’s hassling you then I think you need to be straight with him. Tell him he’ll always be the Dad to your little one but you don’t want him back, ever.

What are yiu arrangements for a Christmas? Could you tell him that he can ring LO on Christmas Day and you’ll talk to him in the New Year

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 24/12/2017 12:40

Guilt is a choice. You have nothing to feel guilty for...so just say no to guilt. The guilt is all his, anyway you look at it.

You probably ought to consider a STI check, sorry.

His parents are perhaps kicking him out which may be the source of his interest in coming back.

Don't be sucked in because of the Hallmark holiday happy family fantasy. You know better than that.

Tell him to use someone else.
Tell him to tell it to the next one.

Well done on your independence! Safeguard it.

Bumshkawahwah · 24/12/2017 13:36

The fact that he is hassling you and guilt tripping you shows he hasn’t changed. Even if he weren’t saying these things, it is highly, highly unlikely that he has changed just as the result of a 7-month split.

It sounds like your life is far, far better without him. Stick to your guns. You can’t have him back, just because he wants it. Unless what you are looking for is a life of debt and infidelity (as someone else said - hotel room just for him? Aye, right).

You deserve better than this selfish arsehole.

whoareyoukidding · 24/12/2017 13:41

Absolutely no way! He is horrible, OP, really horrible.

BewareOfDragons · 24/12/2017 13:41

NO. No, no, no, no. no.

He only wants back so he doesn't have to live with his parents and you can take care of everything for him again while he complains that he's not happy.

Oh, and spend more family money on prostitutes, which he continues to lie about, hotel rooms when he says he's at work, and text other women.

Why on earth are you even considering this?

Angelf1sh · 24/12/2017 14:00

Of course he wants to come back, your life is much better without him and his is substantially worse! He now has to do everything that you did for him and he no longer has your wage supporting him! I’d tell him to fuck off and when he got there, to fuck off a bit further.

Lifeisabeach09 · 24/12/2017 20:45

I can't believe you're even considering this.
Your 3 year old will be fine without dad living in the home.
As PP said, when dickhead comes to get child, get him to take him out.

Your ex will not change.

Josuk · 24/12/2017 22:23

OP - what I said about quizzing him about Adult Work, Tinder,’etc - is because you seem to think/believe/hope that these things are in his past...
He went on those when you were on a honeymoon. And you really think that now that he’s been separated (=free) that he’s not been back there?
Or, that he’ll give it up if you take him back.

If you actually want to know (and face) what he’a been up to - just ask for his phone.
It’s a very simple thing to do.

But it may crush your idea/fantasy of ‘him&you’ one day - so maybe that’s why you seem relactunt to do it.

YeahRightOk · 24/12/2017 22:25

nope. don't be a fool. Bin this loser.

pointythings · 25/12/2017 11:49

It doesn't actually matter that he's changed (I doubt he actually has) because he put you through so much shit that the trust is gone, the love is gone, everything is gone. He broke it. You've moved on. So don't take him back and carry on moving on.

StoatofDisarray · 25/12/2017 13:45

Don’t take him back. How much of this post was inspired by thoughts of Christmas and the coming new year? Imagine yourself with him in a couple of weeks when it’s grey and rainy and he’s back to his old tricks. I don’t even know you and I know you can do better! SadFlowers

Goodgirl7 · 25/12/2017 13:50

No way. Sounds like you’re quite happy as you are now and happy mum generally makes for happy kids. He’s seeing it too and wants a slice of the happy pie but probably isn’t prepared to work on himself. Don’t let him back, he sounds like a toxic addition to your life that needs to be minimised!

RandomMess · 25/12/2017 13:59

He's a car crash waiting to wreck your life again!!

smilethoyourheartisbreaking · 25/12/2017 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iloveredwine · 25/12/2017 16:05

Do Not Take Him Back !!!!!!!

Chaosofcalm · 25/12/2017 16:10

I got as far as playing for adult work. He was fucking other women, vulnerable women. No you should not take him back.