Friends with ex fuck buddy when in a relationship?

[PinkChestnut]

Before me and DP got together he had a friends with benefits. They'd hang out and go shopping together and were just friends, but also slept together (or "helped eachother out" as my DP put it)

Now we're together would I be unreasonable to hate the thought of them remaining friends? Would you be OK with your partner keeping up a friendship with his friend with benefits?

DP doesn't see it as a problem but I can't imagine he'd feel the same the other way around.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to hate the thought of it but you’d be being unreasonable to ask him to stop being friends with her. Either you trust him or you don’t and if you do then you’ve nothing to worry about.

Tough one but I would agree with the first response. To be honest my DP slept with one of my friends before getting with me. Doesn't bother me but they don't go shopping together or anything like that. All of us are still friends though. It's not a major issue to me.

Maybe get her involved in your joint life. Invite her round for tea or something.

DP has already said he would stop talking to her for me but would miss her, as I mentioned it made me uncomfortable.

Part of me feels tempted to leave it this way so he doesn't speak to her anymore but another part feels like I should make it clear he can still talk to her if he wants to.

I've no problem with partners having female friends it just feels weird knowing they've slept together and would they be wanting to again etc

Does she know you two are an item now? I would draw boundaries and tell him you wouldn’t appreciate them being best friends and sharing any details of the relationship you two have.

Nope. Would hate this.

Have you met her?

I don't understand this he can't have friends that he used to sleep with mentality on mumsnet. If they wanted more there would have been more. If your uncomfortable and ask him to stop talking to her that means you don't really trust him. And in my mind that makes it doomed to fail.

Are there any reasons you don't trust him with her? Or just because they used to have sex?

Yeah she knows he has a partner now.

I've never met her or even seen her as she's not on social media. Just know she's texted him once or twice but he has either responded shortly or ignored

I agree with ClaryFray

Do you know why it didn't develop into a relationship?

Stuff that.

I wouldn't like it one bit.

Whether he thinks you're unreasonable for asking him not to talk to her is down to his own personal beliefs and boundaries, but I think it's fair to say there are plenty of women who wouldn't be comfortable with it. I'm one of them. But that's just me

I see what you're saying Clary. I wish I could be OK with it but I'm really not.

I do struggle with trust as have been cheated on in the past so in a way I don't fully trust him. The thought of him hanging out with someone he has slept with makes me feel sick.

How do you feel comfortable with your DP being friends with people he's slept with ?

Loveyoutothemoon they didn't feel a relationship would work between them but friendship did and clearly some kind of sexual attraction

For me it would depend on the nature of the "friendship" with her. I agree that you can't ask him to stop being friends with her (and you can't police it either).

But I think you will quickly get a sense of what the friendship is like. If its a genuine friendship with understanding and generosity then she will have the emotional intelligence and grace to stand aside and allow your relationship with him to develop. She may still want to see him etc but she won't cross a line in terms of demands on his attention and emotional involvement.

If you start to get the feeling that she's the third person in your relationship, and she expects (and gets) a degree of involvement from him which intrudes on your relationship then I think you have to ask him to draw a line or draw it yourself.

It is perfectly possible for people to have a friendship with a sexual dimension which settles into something platonic later I've done it but you need to be careful that they don't retain an emotional bond which eats into what you have or destroys your trust.

You will probably get a sense of this fairly quickly when you meet her and see how they are together.

Why should your partner change because of your issues?

I'm friends with my ex FB, I wouldn't be giving him (or any other friends) up for anyone. That's not to say I still want to have sex with him, and there's no way I would want a relationship with him.

If you start dictating who he can be friends with, he is (quite rightly) going to resent you for it. Look at some counselling to explore your own issues.

But if you knew why a relationship wouldn't have worked, you may feel less threatened?

It sort of depends on the kind of people/connection they had.

Generally - i’d say that to maintain a functional FWB arrangement one needs to be good at compartmentalising sex from emotions. And this makes that sort of arrangement easy to pause and re-start again at s later date when circumstances change.
Or if one or the other of the partiesn is feeling particularly physically needy.

If you have trust issues - this possibility isn’t easy to deal with.

So - to conclude - I think if it was just a female friend, or even an Ex - it’s an easier situation. A recent FWB - with whole your partner has no stings, hedonistic sex - is a little harder to be cool about, given underlying insecurities you mentioned

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship with the ex and the history of your relationship (whether your partner is trustworthy, there is a history of infidelity, etc.).

I'm friends with two exes. One was a really serious relationship that became on and off eventually, sort of a friends with benefits situation before we broke it off completely. It lasted about 4 ish years total. We became genuinely good friends after that though, like really truly close friends. The other was more of a fuck buddy situation, but again over the course of probably about 3 years or so. Both of these well before I met my dh. We've pretty much always stayed friends.

But the friendships are truly friendships and very aboveboard. I don't actually physically see either of them anymore (I've moved countries with my dh so we live far from them). But we keep in touch via Facebook and email as we are now all older and married with young children. If/when we do see each other now, it's as families. It's not like we'd meet up just the two of us without our partners being invited for a night out or anything. The one ex that I was really good friends with, I'm now even closer to his wife. My dh and I went to their wedding and his wife is friends with my dh as well. It's never been weird because it's very in the past, there's no baggage and there's never been anything funny between us. It's not a problem for my dh at all, but he's also pretty secure, doesn't have any baggage himself from past relationships (he's never been cheating on, no hang ups about other guys in my life, etc.), he knows me well and knows how strongly I feel about cheating and that it would absolutely never happen (because I've been hurt so badly in the past by partners). And really we've just always made it very normal. Our partners have always known we are friends and there's never been a reason for anyone to feel uncomfortable about that.

But I think it would be a different situation if the relationship was a secretive one, or seriously impinged on your relationship (like they talked more to each other than to their partners), or there is a history of cheating, including especially with that person.

I don't like it tbh and I wouldn't stay in a relationship where he was all pally and went shopping with her.

I'm not saying to totally cut her out...but no hanging out.

OP...Your reaction is quite normal...and it's not only on MN people don't like their partner still hanging with the Ex.

I absolutely would not be okay with this. They are not friends and there is no reason for her to be in his life anymore

I wouldn't be ok with it. I don't know if that makes me unreasonable or not but it just wouldn't be right in my mind . I wouldn't demand anything as that usually backfired but just NO

My partner is still friends with previous FWBs and also with his ex-girlfriend (all of whom are lovely). We're seeing one of them during the holidays actually. Wouldn't cross my mind to try and keep them apart.

I've had a couple of long term FWBs, one on and off for about 10 years and one for a year. Neither turned into relationships simply because we didn't like each other enough to date - we found each other attractive and are genuinely mates (sometimes we'd hang out and nothing sexual would happen) but that deep spark wasn't there.

During the time this was going on, both of us saw other people we wanted to get more serious with and would casually mention to the other if we were in a relationship. Didn't mean we stopped talking or hanging out, but sex was obviously off the table.

These people are my friends first and foremost, and will continue to be my friends whether we're sleeping together or not. No way would I cut them out if a partner asked me to, I'd be more inclined to get rid of the partner for being possessive. As long as no boundaries are being crossed and he isn't keeping anything secret I don't think it's an issue

I don't like it and I know my partner wouldn't like it if it was the other way around.

Once you've soiled a friendship with sexual intimacy, it's no longer just a platonic friendship and should be treated as such.

She has her own partner, he has his own partner. No reason to stay in contact via text.

Fair enough if you bump into her, have the awkward introductions but other then that. No need for text contact!