Husbands personality is impossible and it ends up making ME look like the one with the problem

[NeedToGetMyShitTogether]

Just what the title says.... my husbands personality is impossible. Grumpy, disrespectful, short fuse, bad language, superior...

I don’t rise to him 90% of the time. But when he pushes me too far and I bite back I always end up looking like the unreasonable one, or as he said tonight, unhinged, fruit the loop, nut case...

I know. I 100% need to LTB. I just wanted to get this episode off my chest....

Gaslighting you is what he’s doing. Are you really going to LTB? How long have you been with him?

Why are you with him?

Having previously been in such a situation I would say its wise to leave, sooner rather than later. Enduring gaslightung behaviour like this can have lasting ramifications... please always remember you are not to blame, or accountable for your husbands behaviour and deserve to be in a relationship in which you are valued and heard. Do you have children / family?

Oh, it's so galling, isn't it? Been there, and it's a very lonely place to be.

On a positive note, you would not believe how great it is when you finally escape. Having a life that's worth living again, surrounding yourself only by people who enhance your life... It's not an easy road at times, but so so worth it.

you are not the problem

Lovely people in my phone, thank you!

@maelstrop together 11 years. Married 7. Am I really going to LTB? I truely hope so. I need to work out the how’s and when’s. Not the night before Christmas Eve... mores the pitty.

@weebeasties I think because leaving has felt impossible.

@suchislife we have two young children. One at school. One not yet at preschool. Some free hours are funded from Easter - this might end up being my realistic goal to be leaving at this point. I have family near by which does make this seem more doable.

@charlotte thank you - I have an image in my head of life without him. It’s not in this house, it feels like home and is a happier place than being here...

@abricot thank you

I have seen incredible support on here, I know it’s doable. I need to seek some advice and information about the practical things, work, childcare etc, and to come up with a plan I think.... x

its ok, youll get a big prize one day for wasting your life with a nasty abusive miserable joy sucking arsehole.

You are not allowed to be angry. Only he is allowed to be angry. Your new life will be so peaceful. Next Christmas will be so different.

Same here.

Walking a fine line between really not wanting to speak or interact with him in any way and trying to not trigger anything til after the 25th.

I may need to hang out til after the 29th cos we have quite a few people invited round.
Cancelling doesn’t seem as big a deal as it was before tho.

I think actually it is ok to feel angry. While I was emotionally still in the relationship, I suppressed the anger I should have felt, which turned into debilitating numbness. Once I started to detach, the strength of the feelings I'd not allowed myself to acknowledge was almost overpowering. But it did help give me the strength to leave.

I really would encourage to make a plan to leave..living like this, with a bully, damages your mental and physical health.

Get some legal advice but having gone through the court system recently it seems leaving sooner, with young dc is preferably financially than if you have older dc.

Journal the incidents, read book such as The Verbally abusive relarionship.
What do you feel was the trigger for his true begaviour to be revealed? Mine was joint house purchase as he knew financially I had less space to move out.

I assume you gave asked him to seek treatment as a ultimatum? Ex went for a year and actuallly made him worse as in sime ways the counsellor held him to account for his behaviour.

OP my husband blows hot and cold.
I can't do it anymore.
DC are grown up.
If they are not around he's fine.
Once they come back home he turns into an arrogant ar*e.
If I object he scoffs.

Why does he behave so?
I really thought he'd improved.
Aghhhhh

I have one of those, OP. I need to do the whole new year new me thing and LTB

Me too. Hanging on by a thread. Just feeling so unloved.

I left XP couple of days after Xmas - many relationships end at this time of year! I've never looked back. Get planning and plotting!!!

@EAreceiver is it because once kids are back he Is no longer centre of attention?

Anything to do with being oldest sibling and once next child comes along they find they need to share mother's love?

Well today I got a few grunts and chunners as he opened the gifts I’d got him off me and the kids. Not a thank you, not even a smile. Just literally noises that meant he didn’t like any of it. Fuck him.

He got moody after he’d spent half an hour in the kitchen while I was playing with the kids new toys with them. (It’s not that he wants help from me, he hates it when I try to help, so literally don’t understand why he was pissed off that I hadn’t been helping - if that’s what it was. Who knows) When i asked what was up I got snappy “nothing, whatever” responses. My dad arrived and I left him saying hello to the kids and I spoke to DH in the kitchen, saying “I’m trying hard for us not to fall out today” in a kind manner, trying to calm his bad mood, but it did the opposite, spiralling him into a rant and leaving my crying whilst pretending to make stuffing to avoid having to face my dad. When I did go back to them I said “bloody onions were strong...” to avoid anyone wondering why my eyes were red.

He calmed and the rest of the day was not so bad, until we bathed the kids, who were giddy about their new bath toys. Some of the water was getting splashed out of the bath (the whole room and floor are tiled, water splashing is ONLY a big deal in his head) and again into a temper, raising his voice, at one point drying some water off the toilet with the kids towel!! (I asked if he thought that was ok, or if I could wipe the toilet with HIS towel, he told me to fuck off).

He hasn’t ruined Christmas. Me and the kids have had a lovely day, and to be fair he cooked a mean Christmas dinner. Lol. If he didn’t enjoy himself then more fool him for being unnecessarily grump. But he has confirmed to me that I do not wish to be here any longer.

New year, lots of changes.

Merry Christmas to all of you. Thank you for your messages of support on this thread.

NeedToGet all the best for you in the new year, I have been where you are and I am now a few steps ahead, not fully at the end of it. It’s already liberating. I kept thinking we could have such a happy life if only... he didn’t get upset for little things... he didn’t get grumpy for nothing etc the turning point was realisingn it wouldn’t change. I stopped waiting for it to happen. I realised what I had I didn’t want.

Im going through the same thing just now its been a horrible day and he started his crap this morning, im currently waiting for housing from the council.

Your right about the moodiness especially when the kids are around.