Guilt tripping mother

[user1499333856]

I'm at a bit of a loss today. I have a very strained relationship with my mother. I life overseas from her. She is 75, old and alone. My father died three christmases ago.

We are not spending Xmas with her. We are not driving with two small children to visit her. We are not going to subject the children to a dirty house and kitchen and an old woman who drinks to excess. We are not.

We spent the last two Christmases with her, miserable and awkward times. The first Xmas after my dad died, I spent it apart from my kids to sit with her.

I have just spent a week with her and away from my family. Her behavior has contributed considerably to a breakdown.

I just don't care any longer. Today I've been told that people are asking why she is alone, that she looked after her parents. I just hate her and the drama she brings to my life.

Sorry to vent. I know she is my old and alone. But she is also a controlling, unpleasant drunk who only thinks about herself. Why does she have no other friends and why am I the only person she clings to, obnoxiously so?

I wish I had a mother who offered any help, mental or emotional support. Not one who rings up and want to suck you dry.

I'm sorry OP. It's very hard. Especially at this time of year when people speak so warmly of their own Mums.

Mine's difficult too. I also live overseas....I do love mine but she's been the cause of a fair bit of anxiety in my life.

I got no hugs or emotional support growing up. I tell myself that she mustn't have either and that's why she can't show love.

It sounds as though you are perfectly within reason to not spend Christmas with her.

I wish I had a mother who supported me, too. I have learned over the years that it's a waste of time to wish this, though, and it's best to be realistic about how my parents are. I don't see either of them anymore and my life is much improved by this.

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time, OP. But I think you are doing the right thing by protecting your children from your mother's toxicity.

Mine’s the same, an obnoxious drunk, similar age, won’t ever change. I just don’t tolerate it anymore.

Mine is very difficult too, though not a drunk. Just makes me feel miserable and awful about myself. It's so hard. I would say avoid her and don't feel guilty.

You've spent a week with her - massive pat on the back, don't go back for another year.

Sorry, I know this is an old thread but I read your message and it sounds so similar to my story. How are things now?
My mother also lives abroad, with my stepdad. I help financially, every month, and have been for years. But it's still not enough. I get blamed for not visiting (we can't send money each month AND visit, plus, spending time with her is never a pleasant experience - she is so demanding). She keeps guilt tripping me, complaining she hasn't got any money, she hasn't seen her grandchild, she doesn't have a job, etc. I don't get anything positive out of that relationship and only recently I realised that making me constantly feeling guilty and upset while I am sending them our only spare money, is a kind of abuse or bullying. It breaks my heart and makes me depressed and I actually hate seeing people post about their wonderful mothers and families as I've never had that and never will. No point to this post really but it's good to see I'm not along in a way xx