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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A friend asked a group of us for relationship advice

14 replies

Tipsntoes · 23/12/2017 16:55

He's a man in his early 50s, long divorced with grown up children. A nice man, in good shape, decent job but currently living in a rented room in a shared house - it suits him for now. Plenty of disposable income and generous with it.

8 of us were having dinner and he asked the table for advice with a current relationship situation.

8 years ago he was in a four year romantic relationship with a woman he hoped to marry. She is also divorced with one adult child and an elderly mother (relevant). They split because he was too serious and she didn't want to commit (his words).

Since then they have remained friends, he cooks, cleans, does DIY and maintains her garden. He says he does it because he enjoys it and it suits him as he doesn't have a house of his own to care for. They eat out often, do theatre trips, even go on holiday and he pays. They are strictly "friends", there has been no sex since they split, although he would still like there to be. He says he's in love.

She says she can't have a proper relationship because she's receiving spousal maintenance and stressed with caring for her mother, but that she still cares very deeply for him. She says the menopause has ruined her libido anyway so if they did marry the relationship wouldn't be much different. He's almost certain there's no-one else, they see each other about 4 times a week.

Anyway he was asking whether there's a future, if he keeps caring for her and waits for the mother situation to come to a natural end or if he should stop contact to give himself a chance to move on. I had the opposite view to everyone else at the table. What would you say to him?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 23/12/2017 17:02

I'd tell him to find someone else. Thete must be di msny women who would be interested in him...but the shared house situation might put people off.

People have a high life expectancy and her mum could be here for a while. I also don't think she's into him romantically

He should stop hoping and move forward.

Jamboree05 · 23/12/2017 17:14

It depends what's important to him really. She's put her cards on the table-

  1. She cares for him deeply but (by thesounds of it) does not love him. She may be happy to form a relationship for companionship once her mind is not so occupied, but is he happy with just that or is he looking for those feelings reciprocated?
  1. The menopause can and does destroy libido. If he continues to be interested in sex but she is not, this could really affect the relationship. Would he be happy to just sit back and have a very limited sex life?
  1. Her mother may well be round for a while longer yet. If he is asking you all for relationship advice, he is clearly conflicted and unhappy with the situation. Would he really be willing to wait for an undefined length of time until she becomes emotionally available?

Aside from these points, he sounds like he does an awful lot for her and as a result the relationship is rather biased. He wants more and it feels as if she is stringing him along a little; he sorts her home and is company without her having to commit...

Anyway, I think these are questions only he can answer, but you should certainly put them to him. Food for thought and all that.

KioskKeithForPresident · 23/12/2017 17:22

100% walk away from this. Imagine the situation was reversed and it was a woman posting here asking for this advice. Everyone would be saying what this means is "He is isn't interested in YOU; He'll meet someone who he is really into and all of these excuses (mother/libido) will just disappear overnight".

BTW, you should also tell him he needs to move out of the "sharing house" situation. There is no way I would date a man who is in his 50s and renting a room in a shared house. It's way too student and a massive (probably deal breaking for most women in his (realistic) demographic for a long term relationship.

He needs to move on and his living situation will hinder that.

Tipsntoes · 23/12/2017 17:39

Yes, thank you. I said it sounds like she's onto a really good thing with one man financing her house and another one maintaining it and paying for her social life and that I'm not sure what he's getting from it all.

Everyone else thought I was heartless and that she's probably depressed and needs lots of caring understanding. That he's doing the right thing to wait etc. I was a little more tactful, but possibly not enough!

OP posts:
OrlandaFuriosa · 23/12/2017 17:43

You are right.

And it’s unlikely the libido will return, which would leave him in a dreadful situation: I know too many people in this impasse. And she likes her independence with the spousal maintenance.

He needs to find someone else. Cookery classes, choir...

Angelf1sh · 23/12/2017 17:47

I cannot believe that the other people at the table were so naive, she’s clearly using him. She’ll continue to use him until either she meets someone or he put his foot down. She won’t develop the relationship as there’s no additional benefit for her to do so.

Tipsntoes · 23/12/2017 17:49

No, I suspect they were just saying what he obviously wanted to hear but there was a lot of sympathy expressed for her "difficult" situation

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 23/12/2017 17:53

What difficult situation? Sounds like she’s got it made! 😂😂🤷🏼‍♀️

Weezol · 23/12/2017 17:54

Tips Crikey, she's on to a winner isn't she? Agree with the reversal - if it was a man treating a woman like this it'd be all 'LTB'.

overnightangel · 23/12/2017 17:56

He needs to

  1. Move on
  2. Cut contact for a while
  3. Use his money to pay to get his own place instead of having her rely on him.
Bluetrews25 · 23/12/2017 18:00

She's just not that into him, but he is a very convenient handyman and escort who pays for the privilege.
Having your cake and eating it springs to mind.
He must be having his doubts, though, to have asked for opinions.

SilverdaleGlen · 23/12/2017 18:05

He needs to move on. I don't agree she's using him, she's been very clear that she wants nothing more, hanging around hoping for that to change is his choice, and a foolish one.

Also don't agree about him having to move out of the shared house. Why should he have to live alone to meet someone? What if he doesn't and is lonely living alone?

Ellisandra · 23/12/2017 18:22

I'm feeling sorry for her ex husband still paying spousal maintenance!

This is a total non starter / restarter.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 23/12/2017 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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