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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Forbidden subjects?

26 replies

MrKaplan · 23/12/2017 07:43

Do you have forbidden subjects?

So we don’t talk about work for example because if he talks about his, I show my shock(no words just silence and freeze - I’m well trained see...) when he tells me he lied or did something else I disapprove of and he freaks out and gets really angry about how I know nothing and how I think I’m better than him.

We don’t talk about the metoo stuff going on at the moment cos he thinks the only thing you can talk about on that subject is how guys get shafted when they are unjustly accused.

He’s not allowed to tell me whether he liked dinner cos surprise surprise I get a huffy on when scored 4 out of 10 then he gets really angry cos I’m not allowed to get angry, only he is.

We don’t talk politics of any kind. We cant even discuss our own finances cos he has a horrible investment we are pissing money away On and he shuts me down whenever I mention it. He’ll sell it in ‘6 months’ for 10 years now.

If I disagree with him, he changes the subject. Not subtly, but like ‘oh look, that curtain ring is broken, I’d better go get my tools’.

OP posts:
hugoagogo · 23/12/2017 07:46

Well that sounds really shit.
Has he any redeeming features?

hesterton · 23/12/2017 07:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrisAtwood · 23/12/2017 07:48

He sounds horrible and like my abusive ex. There were lots of forbidden topics in that relationship.

Cambionome · 23/12/2017 07:49

That sounds awful. Has he always been like this? How long have you been together?

I wouldn't really describe this situation as "forbidden subjects" either. It's just him controlling what you can or can't talk about.

Ropsleybunny · 23/12/2017 07:50

Red flags here! He’s a controlling prick.

Smeaton · 23/12/2017 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

0ccamsRazor · 23/12/2017 07:52

Why are you with this abusive man?

GertieMotherwell · 23/12/2017 08:01

No forbidden subjects here

sonjadog · 23/12/2017 08:03

This is a sign that the relationship is over. You have fewer and fewer topics that you can communicate on and some of these are big ones.

The only topic that is off limits for us is salt caramel macaroons - why he didn’t save any for me when he made them for work.

RJnomore1 · 23/12/2017 08:04

I can talk about anything to my dh. That's how it's supposed to be.

This man is making your emotions invalid. That's classic emotional abuse. You are allowed to think, to feel, to get angry and to have emotions. He doesn't gatekeep the way you feel. That's wrong.

MollyHuaCha · 23/12/2017 08:06

My dad had forbidden subjects:

  • earnings/savings/money generally
  • politics
  • royal family (unless praising them)
  • death/people who had died recently
  • illnesses/bodily functions
  • sex/homosexuality/pregnancy/birth
  • religion
  • educational attainment
  • rebels/free thinkers/alternative views
  • origins of food (abattoirs, factories)
  • any conversation that involved people giving opposing viewpoints because he considered that to be arguing
  • any talk generally where opinions expressed that weren't the same as his.

It was rubbish. As a child I vowed that my future husband and children would be allowed to chat freely.

Onedayhey · 23/12/2017 08:07

Please don’t say you are married to this man.

KittyandTeal · 23/12/2017 08:07

We don’t really have any ‘no’ topics. Dh is a police officer and I know he doesn’t always tell me all the details of some work things but then that’s because it would worry me. Nothing other reason

MoseShrute · 23/12/2017 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 23/12/2017 08:15

These are not "red flags".
Red flags are warnings that you might be headed for an abisuve relationship. Sadly, OP is already very much in one.

I am hoping posting this is one step along the way to freedom for you.

There are no off limits topics in my relationship, or any relationship I have ever had. It's not normal OP, and you don't have to live like this Flowers

category12 · 23/12/2017 08:16

So why are you together?

Leonard1 · 23/12/2017 08:17

Suggest you find someone you can talk to about whatever you want. This is very controlling and unhealthy

Original poster
MrKaplan · 23/12/2017 08:27

Mose, cos dd has asd and I’m overseas and it’s built up slowly. Boiling a frog and all that.

Also I have a shit memory and when he does stuff that fucks me off, I tend to forget how angry it made it a few days later.

I also have a really nice house which I won’t have later. He’s also really good at house work and I’m shit 😳.
His family are lovely. My mother hates him( this stops her from visiting so staying with him has been a plus in the past).

To clarify, the subjects are subjects I have forbidden cos he gets too angry when we talk about them.

It just didn’t seem all that abnormal until I wrote it down. Also I drink to subdue the feelings.
And with his temper, I worry that he’ll be ‘off the leash’ once I leave.

I’m posting on lots of threads at the moment trying to get up a head of steam to leave. Tbh, If I don’t do it in the next month there isn’t going to be a decent window again for quite some time and I’ll just go back to sleep.

He’s not really smart enough to be deliberately abusive but in the end, the effect is the same. My efforts to manage his anger though modifying my own behaviour has left me with an unacceptable life.

My ideal is BEFORE then end of the year. Start 2018 clear.

But I’m afraid to start the conversation, cos if he takes it badly my life will be a nightmare.

OP posts:
category12 · 23/12/2017 08:37

Life is short. Don't live it like this.

Shoxfordian · 23/12/2017 08:56

Leave as soon as you can, you sound so unhappy op Flowers

Farfromtheusual · 23/12/2017 09:29

He scores your dinner you made? Hmm

Original poster
MrKaplan · 23/12/2017 11:09

He used to Far. Every night. That’s why it’s on the forbidden list.

Started out as a joke, ended up as a habit.
Until I hated cooking for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrKaplan · 23/12/2017 11:09

Tx shox.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrKaplan · 23/12/2017 12:16

Tis late here. I’ll be back in the (my) morning.

OP posts:
WantingMuchMore · 23/12/2017 13:58

We have no forbidden topics and he wouldnt ever speak to me like that. It sounds miserable OP. Like others have said, I hope you make 2018 the year you find some happiness and leave