It has taken me 35 years to finally, undoubtedly and heartbreakingly realise that my Mother is a narcissist.
There was an incident yesterday, an argument, although not the worst we've had, that delivered a lightening bolt of clarity to me. She is an evil woman. Christmas, again, is shattered. This happens every year. Every special occasion. I've done some reading this morning about narcissists and special events and it's as if I'm reading about my own life.
We had been NC since last Christmas, for a similar reason, yet she wormed her way back in when our family worker called to tell her I was in hospital in August (I have a disabled DD who needed emergency care) from that short stint of 'helping' us, she became a permanent fixture again. And so the process began (again) - promising the Earth, letting us down, belittling, nastiness, negativity, criticism, making me feel like I owe her, playing me sister and I against each other... all the usual stuff that she's always done.
My childhood was full of this. I became an expert at reading her moods. She is depressive, my world revolves around her moods. I was neglected. I was dumped on grandparents for weeks and months at a time, then she'd reappear and demand me back. Money was scarce, food was scarce.. the happiest memory I have is the Christmas after my father committed suicide (I was 8, I didn't understand) when everyone bought me 'pity' gifts so I actually had some toys. I now wonder if she was the final straw in my fathers depression, if her nastiness was a factor in his suicide.
There was no nurturing, no love, I don't remember affection, I was left to deal with the grief of my dad on my own while she got drunk and wailed. A small snippet of years of similar behaviour. I never mattered, other than bringing in his pension in trust and child benefit. I think she saw me as a meal ticket.
I envied friends with normal households, with clean clothes, happiness, love, aspirations, a functioning kitchen.. I have become the Mother I wish I'd had but in my pursuit of perfection I ended up with CFS/ME. I burnt out. I blame her for this too, she didn't give me the right tools to survive. She dissuaded me from going to university, I know now that was to keep me under her control for longer. I left at 21, finally broke free. Only, the man I left with turned out to be harrowingly abusive. Out of he frying pan..
Anyone with a Mother similar to mine will know exactly how miserable and damaging my childhood was. How it shaped every choice I made, every interaction I have.
I feel like I've 'woken up'. I feel shattered, angry, frustrated.. friends don't understand why I went no contact before, believing 'life's too short' to fall out with loved ones. My sister is still living at home (age 24) because my Mother seems to have her under perfect control. DSis is depressed, wants to commit suicide. Again, the legacy of my Mother.
I see her for what she is. I blame her for my disaster of a life, for my sabotaged relationships and friendships. She'll never see herself for what she is.
How do I even begin to heal from this? How do I fix myself?