TRIGGER WARNING - to feel there's too much water under the bridge. WWYD?

[Lizzie48]

This is a long post so please bear with me. DH and I have been together for 15 years, married for 14. We have 2 adopted DDs (8 and 5, birth sisters separately adopted at 1 year old) who take up a lot of our life, especially DD1 who has Attachment Disorder.

We still love each other, but we haven't managed to have sex in over 4 years, I actually can't remember the last time. There's just so much water under the bridge that I'm not sure we can start again.

We've been through infertility and the adoption process. My FIL died in a car accident 8 months after we got married and MIL has been needing a lot of support from DH since then. She relies on him much more than BIL and his family.

But the main issue is my past and my family. DSis and I are SA survivors, we were abused by our father and others including our DB, though he himself was abused as well but not by F. My DM has always maintained that she knew nothing about it and this has been a very upsetting time for her too, she always ends up crying when we talk about it and says she doesn't want me to ruin her time with her DGDs.

Our abusive F is dead, my DB has serious MH problems and my DSis and I have both been diagnosed with PTSD. The memories were suppressed for years and I developed distressing flashbacks from the past abuse, which I had had in previous years though not to the same extent. This was mainly triggered when the DDs reached the age DSis and I was when the abuse started, which was 6 (me) and 4.

I couldn't allow my DH near me after that. My DM tried to persuade me that I needed to 'lie down and think of England', as it wasn't right to deprive him of sex. We went away for the night while she babysat and we did try. I had distressing flashbacks of being raped and couldn't open my legs at all. I think my DH was traumatised by that as well as me, and for a long time neither of us could bring ourselves to try again.

Now I just can't imagine being able to start again with him. I don't want a life with no intimacy, but I don't think I can face it with him, IYSWIM. But I don't see how I could start again with someone else either, as I would have serious trust issues where my DDs are concerned. I'm also worried about how they'll cope if we do split up, especially DD1.

And I do love my DH and I know that he loves me and I really don't want to hurt him. But it feels like we're just parents and friends but not lovers anymore. And I don't see how it can be enough for either of us.

I'm also not in a good place. I'm on anti-depressants and I've had a long-term struggle with alcohol. I've had attempts at therapy, including EMDR, which has stopped the distressing flashbacks. But the emotional turmoil just won't stop, and it's left me exhausted and unable to feel anything.

This sounds so depressing, reading it back, I hate the way I'm feeling, at a time when my DDs are excitedly looking forward to Christmas! I know there are people on here who have dealt with similarly traumatic childhood abuse so I'm wondering if you can give me advice.

Thank you for reading this.

My God how awful for you. I am so sorry

The thing that immediately springs to mind for me is - your mother. Reading your OP, the fact that she is a hugely damaging presence in your life seems obvious... is it? Do you think that?

She doesn't want you to be able to speak about the abuse because it will spoil her time with her grandchildren? As YOUR mother, that is astonishing. Where is she for you in this? Or is it all about her?

Her 'advice' to you on the rest is no less shocking, inappropriate, an absolute failure as a support and a parent.

Do you want to be as closely in touch with her as you clearly are? Because I am not sure that that is a positive thing for you.

That sounds horrendous, but I do think you can work on it and "fix" things, for want of a better word.

Couples therapy might help. Being able to talk things through together and being reassured that he is always there for you?

Can you afford therapy privately? I know waiting lists for NHS are ridiculous and I ended up going private so that I knew it wouldn't just end iyswim?

I think a good psychotherapist can help you through this.

Keep hold of the fact that before your DDs reached that age you were able to have sex and your relationship was good. You can have that again but you've got to work through all the stuff that's making it difficult right now.

Have faith in yourself and your dh to support you

I am so sorry for what you have been through, and what you are still going through. I agree with the pp that your DMs attitude is awful and could be very damaging for you. It sounds like you have to an extent taken on her view that you "owe" your DH sex.

Any loving, kind person will understand that sex is going to be extremely difficult for you.

How is communication with your DH? Could counselling help you find a way through?

I think your priority should be getting yourself into a more happy and stable place, NOT having sex just to "please" your DH.

Also it might help you to realise that many relationships have little or no sex after DC, even without the terrible abuse you have been thtough. sometimes lack if sex is a temporary thing and sometimes permanent. But it doesn't have to be the end if communication is good.

Thank you, all, for your kind words. I think you're right, I've taken on board my mum's attitude of owing sex to a man, which she no doubt learned from my father and a false understanding of Christian teaching on the issue.

Previously sex wasn't actually easy, as we went through my infertility issues and I wasn't able to do it a lot because it already brought back triggers and flashbacks, which I couldn't understand at the time. Sometimes it was really painful too, as I was coping with horrible period pain and very heavy bleeding culminating in having a D&C, which resolved it completely. (My DSis has vaginismus and can't cope with penetration at all.)

My DH has also struggled with erectile issues as well, probably not surprising considering everything else.

Regarding my mother, we're low contact with her, which is much easier to cope with. My DDs love her very much so we couldn't go NC, as that would be another loss for them to go through. We're virtually NC with my DB though, which I struggle with guilt over, as I know how vulnerable he is and my mother has relied on DH and me to look out for him when she's away doing charity work in Africa. (A long story, but she spends 3 months a year there, even at 78.)

Some drip feed, sorry about that, but there's so much back story to where we're at right now.