Serious crazy crush, help!

[Anothermoniker]

I posted this on a ‘who do you have a crush on’ thread, but it has got me thinking....

My mind has been totally highjacked for months now by a ridiculous obsessive crush i’ve developed on DS’ school teacher. I can’t stop thinking lustful thoughts of him and imagining all sorts of steamy scenarios. I genuinely don’t think I have EVER found someone SO HOT! This has gone on for months now and I need to stop.

It’s gotten to the point i’m feeling guilty and almost feel like i’m cheating on DH (who I love and yes still find attractive).

Nothing has happened of course - I don’t think the sex godteacher in question even knows i’m alive, so I don’t know why i’m feeling so riddled with guilt.

I just want things to get back to normal (I.e stop behaving like a hormonal teenager and get back to being present with my family!) Any suggestions? Please? I feel like i’m going insane.

It might not seem believable now, but it will pass. You need to occupy yourself with something else. And avoid contact with the object of your crush. Running / exercise helped me. And spending time with DH.

I was where you are a year ago. I neglected my marriage because of the crush, and feel awful about that now. I still like the guy I had the crush on, but am definitely away from the debilitating / teenage phase. It was horrible. I had a panic attack in work and everything as I was convinced that the crush must have meant my marriage was over. Now I realise having a crush is normal, there are frequently threads on here about them. That helped me rationalise things - they happen to everyone, there’s nothing cosmic or lightening bolt about what you are feeling. It is just your mind playing on you. Acting on it is not wise, there are frequent threads on here about affairs too so please keep avoiding silly behaviour.

A year on I feel mostly embarrassed for how I acted around a poor colleague who probably spent his working day thinking “why is that weirdo staring at me”. I don’t mean to sound mean, it’s just that it will pass and if your like me, some of the stupid things your feelings made you do will resonate with you.

It’s the school hols - do something fun with your family. Remind yourself of the good in your life. The man you have a crush on shits and farts and has bad breath in the morning like every other man on the planet.

Thank you PhuckPaulDacre. It is helpful to know you’ve been there and it will pass. Do you think I should ‘fess up to DH? That might just clear the air and we can have a laugh about it? Or maybe that will just introduce problems?

I wouldn’t say anything to him. He could be really hurt and might wonder if there is more to it. I don’t think it would be helpful to you to say anything and it might give the situation more gravity than it deserves. Bear in mind that he prob knows you’re preoccupied. Just try to be nicer to him and be in the moment.
I wish I could go back and have a word with myself last year (which is why I’m here!) Have seen others comment on crush posts with “get a grip” which I thought was unkind and unhelpful last year. But, in the nicest possible way, do get a grip. If there are problems in your marriage, work to fix them. Don’t indulge in fantasies about the teacher. Go for a run with ear bleedingly loud music in your headphones. Read a book. Do anything else. And take care of yourself. Xx

Hi Another,

I saw your reply in the other thread. Do you feel awkward around the teacher? I do, I almost feel like he knows all the things I’ve been thinking!

It’s become a bit of an obsession for me, I just wanna stop thinking about him!

Do you think I should ‘fess up to DH? That might just clear the air and we can have a laugh about it?

If my DH confessed to me, that he had a huge crush on OW and constantly fantasized about having steamy sex with her, and couldn't stop thinking about her etc, my marriage would be OVER. The last thing I would be doing, is having a laugh about it. I would be mortally wounded.

I truly can't believe that you can't see how damaging this would be, to him and your relationship.

You know your DH best, OP, so you know how well (or not) he might take the news of your crush.

On the positive side, he might help by teasing (kindly) or joking about it - crushes flourish on secrecy and daydreaming, so bringing it out into the daylight where it can be seen for what it is might help take some of its power away. You might want to hold back on telling him that you don't think you've ever found someone so hot, though - just say that you fancy him a bit and feel like a teenager. If my boyf had a crush on a teacher I would tease him mercilessly about it

If you feel like the crush is affecting your real-life relationship, it might be kinder to tell him so he isn't worrying it's something really wrong/that he's done/an affair, etc. Crushes happen in LTRs, and it can bring you closer together to talk about them.

OTOH, your DH might not be the sort to take it well - what do you think his likely response will be?

Thanks for the advice everyone. Yes I think the best thing will be to ‘get a grip’, focus on my marriage and family and channel this energy into something useful and productive - new year’s resolution! And reading the best and worst case scenarios of telling DH- why risk possibly hurting him when nothing has happened....

Crushedwhite, yes sometimes I think he does know the things i’ve been thinking - but how could he possibly? I barely interact with him other than the odd hello/goodbye at some of the school runs.... unless maybe i’m blushing like crazy when I see him?

I see him every morning and afternoon and always end up talking to him about one issue or another. I stand there grinning at him when he’s talking, I almost have to look away because it gets awkward! He just has the most gorgeous eyes and smiles.

Damn I sound pathetic lol he probably thinks I’m really odd.

I guess the Christmas holiday is a blessing, maybe time apart will stop our obsessive thoughts?

I’d never tell DH, he would not take it well at all.

Good luck though OP.