I can't keep friends...

[Littlehenrylee]

I am in my forties and I have always been poor at friendships. I grew up with a few close friends but after moving away from the area I grew up, I lost contact with most of them.

When I was in my early twenties, I realised that I was ok at forming friendships with certain types of people. I also find it easy to chat to strangers and make small talk and the ironic thing is I enjoy people's company. However, I am very very bad at maintaining friendships with colleagues and I think I am 'unlikeable' to many of them. I was bullied quite a lot in one company. I honestly don't recall doing anything in particular except I must have done. I must have been unhelpful, not laughed at their jokes enough etc. I know that I didn't feel that I fitted in with some of them but that is natural enough not to fit with everyone I would have thought?

I formed a friendship with three women and we occasionally saw each other outside of work and knew a lot about each other's personal lives. But for me, apart from one woman who I shall call B, the other friendships were more superficial. When I left that job, I never again saw or heard from two of those woman but B and I stayed in contact and visited each other infrequently. When I last saw B, she asked if I could meet for a coffee and I was delighted to see her. She had lost a lot of weight (she commented on it herself and asked me to compliment her, I know this sounds very strange). During coffee, she suddenly turned to me and said 'we aren't really friends you know'. I was gobsmacked and didn't know what to say so in the end I just said ok. I never heard from her again.

At this time of the year, I am looking back and have realised that my Christmas card list has yet again,got shorter and I feel lonely. I have deleted those women from my Facebook account but occasionally look them up and see photographs of them all on a night out.

I then moved to another job and again formed friendships with two women. They came to my house, we exchanged gifts, advice and ate lunch together daily. I left that job and literally never heard from them again. I should add that I tried to maintain friendships with them but they never responded to my emails and put me on restricted Facebook lists.

I don't know why. I am confused and the sensible part of me says that they weren't genuine friendships but I also feel that I must be responsible as this is a recurring theme.

I know that work is what I had in common with all of these women but they all visited my home, I visited some of theirs, it seemed more than just work.

As an adult, we are told we make friendships through work or hobbies yet I seem incapable of doing what my small child seems able to do. It makes me feel so down.

I don't know why I am even writing this post. I guess I am just wondering if anyone has experienced anything similar to this and if so, do you know why?

Its quite common I think, especially as we get older. So much harder to make true friends later in life. To make a true fruend, you really need to share a common aim or go through a trial or adventure - something which binds you.

What you made were work mates, nothing more. You were friends for a reason - work. It doesnt matter that theyd been to your home.

The tried and tested formula is join a hobby group and meet likeminded people. There, you’ll make aquaintances, some of whom may become friends but it takes time and effort.

Lastly, think quality not quantity.

I was like till I got a dog best thing ever for real mates . You have child you are going to have you that for now just talk to every mum you meet . You will find some that want be friends.

I find it hard too and I do think our confidence gets knocked and kind of put up with crap. I mean someone who tells you that you're not really friends is just horrible and if you weren't feeling so vulnerable you'd more likely be thinking 'What are weird and crazy woman, I don't want to spend time with her's

I think the more 'friends' you have the more you get. Shit but true. They seem more attractive.

I am very rarely in the popular group at work, I must give off the 'don't talk to me vibe' but when I observe the more popular people - they don't say anything exciting or different to me (in fact I would say I'm more considered and perhaps deeper). The thing that is different about them is their confidence.

Do you have low self esteem Op?

These people were friends of circumstance. True friendships are rare these days.
I sometimes scratch my head when I look at Facebook & so many people have managed to hold onto their childhood friends. Everyone in my life has disappeared.
But then I think wait the last time I bumped into these people in town they could not stop bitching about each other. Then you see the declarations of love for each on the internet for birthdays or whatever & I just think wow that’s fake.
I used to be so co dependent on people. Felt like I couldn’t live without “friends”.
Now I love the fact I can live my life without being a free taxi/ councilor drinking buddy. My life is my own.
I can take up a new hobby & plan without the negative input. I can work on myself & my own goals without someone pulling a face & saying ugh that’s not a good idea.
I set up my own business. I got married. Nobody knows this nor do they care to ask. I’m living my best life not so
Much in secret but for the fact of you meet people & they like to talk about themselves.
Do you honestly need that in your life? Make your precious time about developing yourself as a person & when you do meet someone genuine make a special effort to make time for them.
Also don’t be telling groups of women your personal business.
They can turn on you in a second.
I had one make a false accusation & they had the cops at my door! Which was a bit silly because they would have had to give their name & then the cops knew they basically made up a lie so they basically lied to the cops wasting their time.
People are so fickle. I would not give the past friendships a second thought. Join new hobby groups & post the pics of you enjoying life xxx

That's an interesting point Bubba about people being fickle, it's so true. I am only really interested in true genuine friendships I'm exhausted with people letting me down.

Bubba is right. I also don't think the way we all live so differently to the way it used to be in the so- called 'good old days'. I don't find it conducive to permanency in lots of ways.

I've always preferred my own company because I like time to think ininterrupted. I know what I would need to do if that were to change. I'm lucky that I have a sister I can have a really good laugh with and enjoy moments of total silliness, the laughing 'til you cry' (or wee!) type. We are totally different in so many ways - the description 'chalk and cheese' applies - but I love her to bits! But as for close friends I want to maintain a close and proper friendship with, those are another matter. Work friendships haven't lasted after I or others have left. I hardly ever dwell on it.

I don't do facebook - I don't really 'get' it. I've always been the odd one out - the alien at the tea party but am not unhappy about that either. I don't consider it a failing or something wrong with me that makes me unlikeable or undesirable.

Little - There's nothing wrong with you at all - and, truth be told, you're in with the majority of us. Maybe you have a sister or a cousin you are close to that fits the friend role far more than you imagine.

PS Try not to let it get you down - it's life and I firmly believe you have every chance of finding a like-minded person that you'll click with.

PPS I have ADHD - and proud to own it too - which is why I know I'm not necessarily stereotypical in the way I view life and friendships, etc. Have to add that in case my perspective seems odd!

I often feel alone at Christmas. I see lots of the school mums tagging each other at meals, which I don't get invited to, despite being involved in their everyday lives. I work for myself too so it feels even more lonely- no work do - not invited to other social things.
People are also quite busy, so it's harder to really maintain proper friendships these days and if they aren't busy you find that you don't fit in their clique and they leave you out

Thinking,
Would you put yourself out there & invite them to do something? Maybe a coffee or cinema?

I organised to meet them one evening. One of their children was sick and the others cancelled because as a result of that friend not being able to go. They said they would te arrsnge but never did and I was reluctant to push it. Months later, I organised an afternoon to meet them. The idea was we would all go into the city, have a meal, some wine and relax catching up. One of them arrived but quite obviously didn’t want to be there, the other treated it like an appointment and stayed about two hours.. I didn’t hear from them since.

The other group had a big night out (work night but those who had recently left were invited). I contacted them but they didn’t respond so I didn’t go.

I think that horse has bolted tbh. I really don’t know why. When we lunches together daily, I sometimes said I had to catch up on emails etc so I wouldn’t appear pushy/in case they wanted to chat just to each other and if I’m honest sometimes just to give myself a break from eating with the same people every day. On the days I’d decline lunch, they would text me asking g if I was finished/meet for a quick coffee. I often did that ie lunch at my desk and joined them for a coffee afterwards. I thought they did want my company. It is confusing.

• apologies for the spelling errors that are too numberiys to list. . I posted too quickly.

• numerous even!

Yeah, I think it is hard to make friends as an adult. Since we moved to the town we now live in 8 years ago most of the only friends I've made have been mum friends at the school gate. That's okay and some of them are lovely, but I often question how much we really have in common. Take away school and the kids and what am I left with? Not a lot, if I'm honest. There are a couple who I feel I have a real connection with - you know - when you feel you have 'chemistry' with friends and you just really like each other - but most are what I'd call circumstantial friends. Most of my 'real' friends are people I've known for donkey's years. I miss having a 'best friend' actually. All through school I did, but not now. I have a few good friends and a lot of people who I wonder if they'll still be in my life 10 years from now, after my kids have moved on to secondary.

Wow, I feel like I could have written some of these replies myself.
I moved here 5 years ago and I am also struggling with keeping friends and I don’t know why I keep going through the same cycle of meeting friends then getting dumped.
I’m quite chatty, know lots of mum’s from the primary school and invite people round for coffee / drinks (which doesn’t often get reciprocated). I know people have their own lives and are busy but it’s quite upsetting when you see “friends” photos on Facebook or hear them chatting about a night out you’ve not been invited to.

I’ve also had people round then they’ve gone off and made plans without me.
I seem to get on better with people on a 1-1 basis. I always feel like I have nothing interesting to say and feel intimidated speaking up in a group conversation (even if I know each person well and we get on). I don’t know how to address this either and I’m sure people think I’m looking down on them or have nothing in common with me.
I should say as well, this is not a recent thing since we moved here, I’ve always been this way since primary school and I struggled to make friends back then too.

One of my young children is quite hard work and I have spent a lot of time not being able to join in social things because he can’t behave. Now the kids are at school I have time to do things but I seem to have missed the boat.

The latest group of friends have just dumped me with no reason and I’ve been excluded from their Christmas nights out. I think they’re quite bitchy as they have all talked about each other to me and one of them talks about “phasing” one of the girls out. Then, although I didn’t join in this conversation, suddenly I’m the one who’s phased out. It’s really mean and immature and I don’t want involved in that.

But, that said, I’m still feeling lonely so if anyone has any advice I’d live to hear it. Thanks x

Aw guys it’s so tough isn’t it. Friendships should not be this hard work. I think with society today it’s all fake phony people grouping together and if they see a genuine person they are jealous of them because they are stuck being fake & they wish they could be themselves.

Hi Bubba, yes it might well be groups of fake phone people. I just remembered that a few of them have it in for this really nice glamorous mum who doesn’t join in their bitching either x

I don’t know what the answer to this is. I have not experienced this, been lucky, but reading these posts makes me feel bloody sad that people can be so mean especially as the people posting seem intelligent, self aware and warm. The people I don’t want to be friends with are loud, overbearing, self obsessed, never ask any questions about other people’s lives (or are raging right wingers!) but no one sounds like that at all.

Are you nice to people? I have had friends that I have had to end my relationships with because they behaved abusively. These people often complained that others "didn't like them" ...finally I opened my eyes and understood why.

I have a friend (for whom I have always been there) who is very self-involved, and I have thought once or twice about letting the friendship fizzle out. If I did so, I know that she would be genuinely puzzled over why that had happened. So although you sound very nice and self-aware, I do think that there can be two sides to these things.

Also, with the best will in the world, the phrase 'out of sight, out of mind' comes to my head when I think of workplace based friendships. It doesn't matter how popular or well-respected the colleague was, but when they leave, it always surprises me how quickly the rest of us move on.

Thanks ladies for your thoughts. All good suggestions and on thinking about it I probably could do with asking more questions about other people’s lives. I’m going to take this on board and hope they don’t think I’m being super nosey! X

Yes I am nice to people. That, of course, is subjective. But I ask about their lives, listen a lot, rarely talk about my problems, and I think am kind. I am not the life and soul of a party, I am fairly quiet but make an effort to engage with people. I would never be abusive and I am a great believer in there being two sides to every story. I am perhaps a bit of a prude. I am uncomfortable about people talking about their sex lives, I am shocked when I hear of affairs or insurance fraud and I am very uncomfortable when people are brash. I have been told I appear aloof. There have been times I think where people think I am looking down at them. I suppose there have been times I have been very uncomfortable and felt stuck in company I’d rather not be in. I totally understand why I find it hard and why others find it hard to like each other but I was really puzzled about the people I was friendly with more than those I don’t have much in common with.