Hi. I guess I just need to get this off my chest as I feel I'm about to explode due to so much unhappiness.
I gave birth 15 months ago. I'm not a natural and often feel having a child was perhaps not the best decision. My partner was irrationally dead against having children which I thought was over dramatic, but I could live with as I wasn't adamant that I wanted any myself.
Fell pregnant, straight forward pregnancy, partner still attentive was pretty content. We never argued during pregnancy and very rarely prior to. A number of times before giving birth, I asked him to remember that before baby, there was he and I. We should never forget that. Well, he truly forgot, doesn't care about me and I could be a stranger for what it's worth. Literally, his eyes are dead to me, but yet light up light a bulb when he sees his son.
Baby is born and everything has changed.
Early on, I realised I was not totally happy becoming a mother and sometimes felt awful and a failure, but as you do, ploughed on.
I took the full mat leave allowed and although it should have been a time to bond, I did not want to and would only do so to keep up with appearances.
If I can find a reason not to have my son with me, I will use it.
I was raised to not show too much emotion and just carry on so it was a huge deal telling my partner I was not happy about six months or so postpartum. Then I told him that I was depressed. In fact, I told him multiple times in the hope he would take note and get me help. He didn't. I'm growing to resent him.
We're not married but engaged. I suggested it might be sensible to have a few sessions with a counsellor to ensure we're making the right decision and he was against it saying he does not welcome talking to a stranger about his business. In fact, he's not happy talking to anyone including me.
And the usual has happened- childless friends are living life, only one other in group has an older child, local mums groups are either too mummsy/selective/pretentious which frankly, I'd rather not be apart of and colleagues... are exactly that, colleagues.
To say I feel alone is an understatement. I have no idea how I've managed to last this long without walking out. I'm tired and fed up. I average four-five hours sleep which is a huge improvement on what it was! If baby is sick, needs changing, wakes up in general because he does so without fail every single night, it's me who tends to him. I just need to talk to someone who will listen as I've left out so much and I'm so angry.