Age gaps and issues with all that

[Dustbunny1900]

What’s considered a substantial age gap? What’s too large of one? DH is 12 years older than me (I’m assuming that’s considered a substantial age gap?) met when he was 36 and I had just turned 24. I had grown up quick to begin with, had a baby at 19 with my first boyfriend at the time.
So basically DH was only my second real relationship I’ve ever had. I love him and I want to be with him, but when he talks about the women he’s been with and the travelling he’s done, and the parting, careers, college, etc I feel a real flash of jealousy. He had his first bio child (we just had a baby together) at 41 Ffs. I feel like he got to have the best of both worlds (he also comes from a privileged family and I do not) and it isn’t fair. But he says “you decided to be with me, I didn’t force you”.

And he’s 100% right. I know the dating scene is depressing , but it feels like being married has further isolated me (moving to his area ) and made friendships more difficult. I sometimes feel jealous of my single friends that they have the chance to feel those butterflies and in-love euphoria still. My newly divorced sister went off to Mexico last week with a male “friend” and I tried to be happy for her but feel ill w/ envy.

Then I feel really guilty and horrible. I sound like a self centered green eyed twat I know, but it’s a common theme in my life..I was not the golden child in my family so feeling left out and jealous has been a pattern.

The grass is never greener, might be a different shade of green, but honestly, you'll be the same person whatever grass you're on. You need to learn to be happy.

I think it's unfair for him to say "you decided to be with me..." etc.
I'm in an age gap relationship (gap bigger than yours) but DH has never made me feel inferior in any way. Just be careful he doesn't dominate the relationship just because he's older.
Does him talking about past relationships hurt you and does he know this?

12 years doesn't sound like a huge age gap to me ... depending on your ages of course. I think the other way of looking at the differences in your life experience/ages is that you have had children relatively early and when they are more independent you will still be young enough to take advantage of what life has to offer, which may include travelling/change in career etc. I would rather be in your shoes than his, given the choice.
And I bet your single friends have times when they would much rather be happily settled with children instead of negotiating the dating scene.
I think you need to try and deal with these feelings of jealousy as they're purely self-destructive. The grass is not always greener.

12 years isn't really that big of a gap.

You chose to have a child at 19. By 37 you could have been child-free and getting to travel, party, etc, but then you chose to have another child and now there's no possibility of that until your late 40s. That choice was yours. Not your DHs.

You need to look at your life choices here for the cause of your issues

My exH was older than me. I knew I was missing something, didn’t realise just how HUGE the gap is till I met my DP who is the same age as me.
I’m constantly in awe at just how easy is to suggest stuff to DP (shall we have a city break in....), comparing to exH, who not only would not be interested and refuse to go, but would give me a long story about what happened last time he was there. After 20 off years of that s**t it became sould destroying, it aged me before my time.
Then there’s the little things, our generation remembers with fondness/cringes about, stuff like naff songs, with DP we have a laugh singing/dancing, exH used to get annoyed and dismissive about.
Not sure what you can do though, he is your H after all. Sit down and have a chat with him maybe? Find something new for both of you?

I don’t think the issue in your relationship is the age gap. If i’ve Done the maths properly you are only five years in to a realationship and are jealous of others falling in love?
You have made the decisions in your like with regards to children and getting married so I think you need to accept that and get on with it. Perhaps look for ways to create more joy in your own life rather than resenting others for theirs.

I don’t regret having my kids, they’re awesome.
I love DH, just feels “unfair” he found his spouse after life experience and it so happened I found him a lot younger. It’s not his fault and yea life isn’t fair. I’m just struggling w/ these conflicting feelings.

And him rubbing it in doesn’t help, I’ve told him it’s hurtful but I would assume it’s common sense that talking about sex with exes is bad form

You chose to have children at 19 and 29? I’m not sure why you did that if you have such resentment towards your husband and sister and their freedom.

Ten years age gap between dc is hard. You could be freeing up your time now if you had made different choices.

On the other hand I agree with pp that when your dc grow up you will be young enough to travel and party then.

We all make different choices in life and have to take responsibility for them. As someone who chose to have children much later in life, I think there are advantages to the way round you have done it.

It sounds like you resent him a bit? Is that a fair comment?

I don’t think the problem is the age gap, but I do think there are problems. You are isolated and not doing anything you find interesting or exciting. And he thinks that’s just fine. It what you deserve and chose.

I think some men like younger women because they are easier to push around than older women and fear you may have one of those.

My advice:

1. No more babies. Be very serious about birth control, consider permanent or semi per permanent birth control.

1. Take a class. Learning new things makes us feel more alive.

1. Work at least part time, and gradually build yourself some sort of career.

1. Leave the kids with your DH and spend time with new friends from your class or work, Don’t be isolated.

Good luck. If he is a dick about any of this, it’s not because of the age gap. It’s because he was looking for a hostage, not a wife.

My kids aren’t the issue, really.

Yes maverick, I probably do. My life has gotten very isolated and bleak in the past few years and I think I subconsciously resent him? But not my kids , at all.

13 years age difference here. Met when I was 24 and he was 37. We are now 40 and 53 with two children.

The age gap grates sometimes when I think of our careers. I had our first child at 27 and my very promising career never really recovered (although I have since retrained and am doing ok professionally...just not the glittering career I had imagined). He had 40 years to develop his career before kids came along, and it shows in how well he has done . Hey ho....

There is now also the issue of retirement looming. He wants to retire at 60. I’ll be 47 then and I hope to be ramping up with my career at senior management level. So our lives will be very different.

Then why aren’t you out doing things?

There’s no reason to stay isolated.

Dating with DC is hard and expensive!

Do you WoH? If not, work or study could be good.

hip. I’m sure a lot of it’s just me! Somethings happened in the past few years and I can’t make friends as easily. Moving away from family and hometown and in with him was years ago but still haven’t managed to make new connections. DH has no friends either but doesn’t seem phased.

It isn't 'fair'. And it isn't his fault.

You can't resent him for the fact that he has gotten to do a lot of things you haven't. That's just the way it is. And you can't ask him not to talk about his life experiences in terms of travel, career etc because it makes you feel jealous. You did choose to be with him, knowing he had life experience.

But it is fair to ask him not to talk about previous sexual experiences. Quite apart from the fact that his previous partners might not want an intimate part of their lives shared with someone else, it's something that a lot of women wouldn't want to hear about. That's insensitive on his part.

In terms of the jealousy, the only way to get past it is to stop thinking that because someone else has done or had something, you should be entitled to it too. You're not entitled to anything. Nobody is.

You need to stop comparing your life to other people's and start looking at how you can be happier with your own life. As other people have suggested, you can take action to improve areas of your life that aren't working for you, or you can change perspective, and find ways to be grateful for what you have. A daily gratitude practice might be helpful.

He has no friends?! After doing all those things in his 20s and 30s?

Most of it was in his 20s but yeah. I work , not full time cause the baby’s too young but I just started and it’s better for my mental health that’s for sure.
Honestly after writing all this I think I’m realizing that I’m not feeling in love with him anymore because I don’t feel like we are moving towards shared goals as a couple and things are stagnant, so I end up feeling trapped and regretful getting married. That and I need to work on getting out there more, I’ll take responsibility for that.

Honestly, if you used to make friends more easily but now struggle it could be because he puts up road blocks, says mildly negative things about them to put you off them, and so on.

Some men feel safer when their woman is isolated.

Go towards what you want and need.

There isn’t a reason for your life to grind to a hault because you are married with a baby. Really slow down, yes. Stop and stagnant, no.

I think you are slightly blaming the age gap on your choices. Life isn't over and you have the opportunity to create new experiences together as a family.
I too have ab age gap marriage, we try really hard to do stuff that is new for us both to experience.

It isn't your DH's fault you had a baby at a young age before you met him. You were never going to be able to tear off to Mexico on a whim as a young mother. The only parents of young children who can do that are rich and have nannies.

Does your DH give you plenty of support? Do you leave the children with him so you can go and pursue hobbies and interests? I think you need to do something for yourself. I had my first child quite young, she is 10 now, and i am married and expecting number two with my 10 years older husband and I have never felt deprived of youth or adventure. It's just happened in a different way less alcohol