MIL gripes

[moopymoo]

My MIL is driving me nuts. just thought id have a moan. my fil died last year and it has been tough for her. dh and i have done a lot of stuff for her, as we should, i dont begrudge that. she has 4 other kids besides dh and is not in contact with any of them. plus 7 other grandchildren. her and fil had unbelivably trivial arguements with them and cut them out of their lives completely. anyway, short of it is im really fed up with her. we tried to ger her moved to sheltered housing near her as she lives 30 miles away, she went along with it then wouldnt move when somewhere came up. she has no friends where she is. she expects me and ds2 to go over at least 3 times a week, has a big sulk if we dont, etc etc i could go on...she took an overdose about 6 months ago, dh couldnt get hold of her so hurried over and found her unconcious. so we feel guilty that she might do it again if we dont go over. her eldest daughter lives round the corner, she is the local mayor and married to an mp, and they will have nothing to do with her. sorry, long.

And you say the rest of the family are not in contact with her? There's a message there somewhere...

She needs help. And that needs to come from her. Not you or dh. You have your own life to lead, not doing a 30 mile round trip 3 times a week.

Go as often as you feel able. Resist the sulking, she is an adult, not a child which is how she wants you to treat her. Suggest councelling thro gp (worded tactfully of course). Or suggest she may feel better if she has friends locally, find a voluntary befriending society in the local area. I suspect she will resist both of these. As they say, you can lead a horse to water...again she has to help herself.

Yes you are her family, but that does not make it obligatory for you to baby her. Sounds like she's driven the rest away and I guess she will do her best to drive you away too. Patterns have a habit of repeating themselves.

Hope you get something sorted. I think your right to be unhappy with the arrangements.

best of luck

thanks for kind words ally. she has had some counselling and is visited by age concern (all arranged by me) but just moans at everyone. the last straw was last week when ds threw some food on the floor - he is 2- and she said 'dont do that or grandma wont love you anymore'
feel less guilty now its down on paper so to speak!

Nice try with the age concern and councelling. She's a drain from the sound of it! Takes and doesn't give back. Only so much you can do...and as for saying that to your ds!! Good lord, what was she like with her own children?...But maybe again, that's why their not around her anymore.

Set your limits and stick to them. She's not your mother and she's not your responsibility.

And I know, easier said than done. But I suppose the stress of standing up to her will ease your day to day stress of having to 'look after' her.

I think you're a saint for travelling 30 miles 3 times a week with a toddler!

Can you cut it down to once a week, and dh goes with ds2 once a week?

Ally90 has some sensible ideas.

yep am cutting down visits def. i tend to go to let dh off the hook as he cant be doing with her either and if he goes its a whole day out of the w/end. Guess i was brought up in a strong loving family, we argued but there was never any point at which we would have broken contact with each other. it was all conditional in dhs family. guess thats why hes so bonkers! i just know if we dont go to see her she will have noone at all. am a little at her daughter that lives round the corner from her, ok ,mil is a miserable old bint if im honest but its her mum - she could pop round to help us out at least. anyway, you cant choose your family...(if only..)

Maybe your dh should not be in contact with her anymore? You can break contact/temporary separate from family if you are not happy with the way things are going and talking to the person concerned has not worked out. We all need some quiet time to think things thro. And she won't be alone by accident, she CHOSE to be alone. We can all change the way we do things and how we interact at whatever age.

I think that would be hard for him. (though i would go along with it!) Since his dad died he feels responsible for her. though its a very one sided relationship - we get nothing from her that is positive.