Hate how i feel and myself for feeling it

[c0nfused77]

Hello,

I'm a man who is old enough to know better than this, and I hate the way I am feeling at the moment.

I am in the early stages of a relationship with a women who I like very much and think a great deal of - about 3 months. I've been married before and have what I like to think of as a fairly healthy attitude to relationships, but of course, I would say that wouldn't I.

I really like her and get excited about seeing her and all those wonderful feelings you should get. She has said she feels the same way about me and feels excited when she knows she's going to see me etc. We've slept together a fair bit - e.g. spent the whole weekend in bed stuff. It was great, I only mention this because I do believe that there is a mutual physical attraction there.

So I should be really happy....

However on the last time she came round she didn't spend the night, I was absolutely fine about this of course, she had something on in the morning anyway. But she said she was "a little" worried about "our relationship being purely physical."

I have been completely and surprisingly thrown by this. It isn't true anyway as we do lots of other stuff.

I suppose maybe she has been burned in this way before ? Since then (that was Monday) she has been messaging every day and keen to talk about plans that extend out over the "festive" period. We've got plans for the weekend, no impression I am about to get dumped in other words.

The other piece of info is...here goes... I know a bloke who she slept with this in the past. As far as I can tell this was a "purely physical" relationship although it didn't go anywhere and the guy IMO is a bit of an asshole anyway. Think drunken hookups/booty call type thing.

Now I'm getting that horrible sick feeling thinking about this, before it never bothered me in the least. I wish she hadn't said it. Am i supposed to feel special because she won't have sex with me, but would jump into bed with other guys who (I hope) she thinks less of ?

I immediately recognise this feeling as jealousy, and I feel pathetic and immature for feeling it.

I'm now worried about seeing her as I think she will be able to quickly tell if "anything is up".

I hate feeling this way, but it is a "real" feeling is the only way I can defend it. I'm now thinking about whether it would best for me to call and end to this, but I am feeling very confused.

I hope i wont be judged too harshly for this, i admit it sounds bad written out. I am a grown man and this is actually how I am feeling...

So she tells you that she is worried that the relationship is based purely on sex and wants to slow that part of it down while continuing the relationship where you spend time together, getting to know each other and building a strong foundation.

Your response is to end it because of this?

If that’s true, then you have proven to her that the relationship IS all about sex because the moment she takes it off the table , you leave.

She must really like you if she wants to spend time getting to know you and wants to do that outside of the bedroom. And while I don’t want to speak for every female, I think is a positive thing relationship wise.

However, if your first instinct is to leave, then do so so she can find a guy that understands this and isn’t just after sex. Which is how you are coming across.

Just talk to her mate and make her feel she is really wanted and well thought of by you. And you too sir are probally feeling a shade inseucre too after all shes the next best thing to god knows what and you don't want to let her go by what you say!

Mind you inscurity isnt that attractive, confidence is tho. Stop worring about mr a n other he's in the past i very much suspect if he was up to much she'd still be with him and she's not.

As to the purley physical bit in my ever so 'umble expercnce get the relationship out of the sack right and then the in the sck time will be fine after all over the time you are with her you shoud spend more time talkingh and communicating face to face thats whats missing in most all relationships.

Other then that who said the course of true love was a straight line;?

Anyways hope it all works out for you and her:-)

I'm wondering if you've been a bit all about the sex in messages etc? If you like her, slow it down a bit and do more dating stuff.

You need to unpick this stuff about the ex for yourself and get a handle on it. What she does with you has nothing to do with what she did with him, and it's none of your business. Comparison is the thief of joy, and this is firmly your problem and not hers.

So you'd be happy to give up a relationship which gives you "wonderful feelings" because she has the temerity to have slept with someone previously? You're right - it does sound bad written out (hint - that's because it is bad).

Seriously, dude you're being a total arsewipe. She's told you she wants the relationship to be more than just sex, so that means she wants to build a proper relationship with you. You on the other hand clearly feel a proper relationship is getting shagged as often as possible.

And youre jealous she had relationships before? Because what you think she should be a virgin? Or if she was willing to be someone else's booty call she should be yours?

And now you want to end it because you're not getting laid as much as you'd like?

She's clearly sensed sex is your priority, and she was right. Now she's seeing if it's just sex or you are interested in her as a person

Clearly the answer is no. You just want to get laid.

No, I don't think you're being insecure here despite what pp have said. Actively looking to 'slow down' the physical part of your relationship is a pretty big warning sign that something is wrong, although it's not necessarily something wrong with attraction.

Sadly no advice to give, just slightly annoyed by the bashing you've taken above when there are countless threads on this board saying "He's not texted me for 24 hours, has he gone off me?" which get "Yup, probably" responses and yet "She says we should have less sex, is that a problem?" gets "You're a jerk".

I don’t think you’re being an arsehole for your feelings and voicing them at I think some comments on here have been harsh, the name calling is unnecessary and not helpful.

As Aussiebean said, speaking for myself and other female friends, I’d I want to do more things outside the bedroom, sofa and kitchen table then I like you more than someone I would just sleep with. She must feel something special for you to want to get to know you better. I don’t think she is taking sex off the menu but I’d caution you to not initiate it and let her make the first move there. Cherish her and get to know her. You will have one up on any other man if you are more than just a cock.

We all get jealous and having those thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person. Dwell not on her past but listen carefully when she opens up and make mental notes.

Enjoy each other!

Relief of chaos I agree with what you’ve said with regards to responses the poor chap has received.

I wouldn’t agree on it being a warning sign, unless she told you categorically that she won’t kiss or be intimate at all.

As a woman I think she may have had a flashback to a past relationship and worries that she’s going for a re-run but wants to see more of you because she likes you and wants to ease herself into the relationship.

Thanks for your replies.

I of course do not think she should be a virgin, nor do i want us to just have a sexual relationship. Nor have my feelings got anything to do with the fact she he's slept with other people before.

I think it's a bit like....well if she did just want a sexual relationship, well then she would choose someone like the other guy right, so I perhaps feel like having sex isn't something she attaches much emotion or value to. Or am I supposed to feel differently ? It's special with me but not with other guys ?

Oh fuck knows, i sound about 15.

I'm not sure how to talk about it and I would doubt it would be a good idea. Maybe I could start by asking her what she was getting at.

Why does the way she felt about sex with some other bloke, come into how she might feel about sex with you?

Sex doesn't mean one thing to any person. Sex has loads of meanings and can create a whole slew of different types of feelings depending on the context, how the people involved are feeling at the time about themselves, about life, about each other, etc. It's a very rich and varied type of activity.

You can hate fuck someone
You can have baby making sex
You can have tender love making
You can get horny at a funeral because you've realised you're mortal ffs!
Some people crave sex when stressed
Others lose their drive
You literally cannot know from one moment to the next what sex "means" to yourself or anyone.

I mean this very kindly, recognise your jealous petulant feelings as your problem to deal with. Do NOT lean on this poor woman to make those feelings go away. Dismiss the feelings gently but firmly "that is not true because xyz. I'm worthy of love whether this woman loves me or not. There's nothing to panic about here. I'm moving on from this feeling" and go and do something else you enjoy to distract yourself till it passes. Funny YouTube videos are good for this.

Let your relationship develop by itself. Don't try to stage manage it. Let her have her boundaries and feelings. You concentrate on yourself.

Every relationship is temporary except for the one you have with yourself.

I am kind of confused about this one. Firstly I don't think that you're being an are, jealousy is a natural emotion it's how you deal with it that matters.
K would be a bit confused about why she has mentioned this. I thought, and ime the honeymoon period is largely about having great sex, and lots of it. Isn't that part of the fun. Getting to know someone and building a bond comes with time, being intimate is part of that, but it takes time you can't force it.
I wouldn't be happy if someone took that off of the table, not because that's all I'm interested in but just because it's an important part of a relationship and I believe helps you build that long lasting bond.
If it was starting to be confusing and hard work already I would consider whether there was any long term future.