I think I want to be single......

[Confusedperson2017]

Just need some support and advice please,Im so confused...
Been married over 10 years and we have children. Over the years he has been controlling, at one stage 5 or 6 years ago there was some abusive behaviour around him using cannabis...i threw him out..we tried again and i have to be fair he hasnt put a foot wrong in that way since. He is still possessive and i dont really have friends/family so i dont have time away from him.
We have an OK life. I just dont think I want to be with him anymore...and i feel terrible because he hasnt actually done anything wrong. Practically im not even sure i can leave financially(i work full time he cares for the children; there is no way i am leaving my children) I am just so unhappy...i am sure there is a life out there for me...
Am i being ridiculous? I dont even know what im asking..but would appreciate any advice on offer, I feel disloyal by admitting i dont love him anymore and feel i should stay with him because of the children and for him...

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would seek legal advice asap if you have not already done this.

I doubt very much that your H has changed much if at all in the intervening years. HIS life may be fine and dandy to him but yours does not seem at all like that. He is still possessive and you do not have any time away from him. Where are your family and friends, has he driven your friends off?. You do not owe anyone a relationship let alone this individual who has actually done many wrongs in this relationship. If you do not love him any longer then that is reason enough to call your marriage a day, it was all over really 5 to 6 years ago when he behaved abusively towards you around cannabis.

Staying for the children is not a good idea because it teaches them that their parents relationship was based on a lie. Its a terribly heavy burden to place upon them and they won't say thanks mum to you for staying with this man. They pick up on all the vibes and can see your unhappiness with life at home even if you are outwardly cheerful towards their dad. They know something is badly amiss here. Do not continue to do your bit here to show them that a loveless relationship is their norm too.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and the Rights of Women organisations are well worth contacting.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. A lot of my family have passed away and friends...well my older friends seemed to drift away long ago as i had children. Ive made friends but its always been difficult to go out with them and has led to arguments/snide comments so its my fault really because i just gave up for an easy life

I really hope the children dont know it would break my heart. I just cant see how i can practically move on from this point, im scared to change it but scared not to as well...he is a good dad. I have tried desperately to encourage him to have a life outside these 4 walls in the hope i might be able to as well..i dont want to be selfish and hurt him and the children
Thank you again for the reply it was really nice of you to reply xxx

He is not a good dad to his children if he treats you like this. Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment or versions of it when they themselves can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You have indeed written nothing positive about your H. He has also never given you one ounce of consideration in this relationship so you do not have to consider him now. You can save your own self here.

Re your comment:-
"Ive made friends but its always been difficult to go out with them and has led to arguments/snide comments so its my fault really because i just gave up for an easy life"

He engineered such arguments out of wanting to control you and you gave in as a result. This is what he wanted all along really; its all part of the power and control that he has and continues to exert over you. You really have no life at all outside of him and you do what he tells you to do. He wants to keep you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

I am sorry but your children do know that their parents marriage is not great at all. Children are perceptive, they know more than they are given credit for. Being afraid of the unknown/going into unchartered territory is ok but the fear you may find is worse that the reality. Staying with him simply because of the children so not your own reasons is definitely not ok. Your current reality with this man is one based on abuse and that is in no way a healthy relationship. They are NOT going to say thanks mum for doing that to them and may well accuse you also of putting him before them. You are simply hurting your own self and in turn your children, your most precious resource, by staying. You do not owe him a relationship.

Thank you Attilla. I think I need to have a long hard look in the mirror...I really do appreciate your advice as i have no one to talk to.
I am going to see if i can get some legal advice first. My children are the most important thing here and i want to the right thing for them. Thank you for the straight talking i needed to hear it.