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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Inlaws rude in conversation

13 replies

chestnutsss · 21/12/2017 08:54

With christmas looming, I know we will be spending more time with the inlaws. There are times I haven't gotten along with them in the past, all to do with DCs, but we tend to get along ok now.
I get the feeling I'm not particulalry liked, which is fine, I guess I wouldn't always have chosen them as inlaws.
One thing that really bugs me though, is that how rude they can be in conversation. They make conversation with me a lot, however every topic is on their terms. For example, the minute I begin speaking in response, MIL will switch off and begin talking about something else or speaking to someone else. It's extremely rude. Also, if either MIL or FIL have not initiated the topic of conversation, they ignore me and begin doing something else. Whenever I speak, it's in response to something they've asked, because they won't listen otherwise.
After an hour or so in their company, I've often started feeling quite 'talked at', inferior and inadequate. It knocks my confidence and I notice that I begin speaking more and more quietly the longer I'm in their company. Knocked into submission almost.

My DH barely speaks in their company, he seems to just switch off from them entirely. Although he's not even aware he does this.
Ladt week I told MIL about DC's school play, could tell she wasn't listening and maybe 10 minutes later began asking questions about DCs school play. It's always on their terms.
How can I avoid feeling so inadequate in their company?

OP posts:
Candyfloss1122 · 21/12/2017 08:57

No advice I'm afraid, just sympathy. My mil is the same in that she finishes every sentence with dh name, effectively removing me from every conversation. I spend most of the day in silence.

XmasFairy86 · 21/12/2017 08:58

Find other things to do that don't involve them 😂 migraine. Hangover. Infected toe. Sounds awful so don't put yourself through it!
OR, go in all guns blazing. Ignore whatever they say, be as ignorant as they are. Talk to your DH/C quite loudly and animated and do not let them get to you.

Or get drunk

category12 · 21/12/2017 08:58

Do what your dh does, he has long experience of them.

ItsYuleyme · 21/12/2017 08:59

Do you really have to be in their company so much? I wouldn't be rushing to spend time with ignorant people like these but if you must.
I would tend to just hmmmmm! at their constant dirge.
While inwardly saying something rude to myself about them.
Who wants to even try to engage with people like this??

ItsYuleyme · 21/12/2017 09:02

Hello Xmas! SmileWink

LesisMiserable · 21/12/2017 09:02

My ex ILS were like this. I dont think it was personal to me, they are just hugely self absorbed people with no real social skills. I don't really miss them.

chestnutsss · 21/12/2017 09:04

I guess the other thing to point out is how MIL will speak over me to the DCs. I.will be talking to them or even asking them not to do something/stop squabbling and she will hurl over, brash as ever, speaking over me and directing their attention to something completely different. Perhaps I need to raise my voice in her company to show more assertiveness in what I'm saying when she's around? I find assertiveness difficult when I'm tired which I am constantly as I'm pregnant with DC3.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 21/12/2017 09:08

Maybe if they're squabbling she feels like she's supporting you by getting involved as the resident 'elder' as it were.

FannyFezziwig · 21/12/2017 09:18

My MIL is/was like this. She used to get on my tits. She is too old and frail now and has dementia...

Anyway, I was a timid and polite little mouse for years but then I learned to just talk loudly over her if she tried to interrupt, or if she turned away and tried to change the conversation.

Don’t be intimidated by her/them. They’re not superior to you.

PilarTernera · 21/12/2017 09:35

My DH barely speaks in their company, he seems to just switch off from them entirely.

Sounds like a good strategy. Don't bother trying to engage. You are never going to get what you want from them.

XmasFairy86 · 21/12/2017 09:37

Hi yuley!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/12/2017 10:00

Keep all visits to a strict and infrequent schedule. Its not your fault nor your DHs that they are like this. Your spouse and you also need to present a united front re his parents.

What is your DHs goal re his relationship with his parents?.

GingerIvy · 21/12/2017 10:17
  1. Avoid their company. You don't HAVE to spend a lot of time with them. One short visit to appease the grandchildren is really all that's needed.
  1. "Did you mean to be so rude?" Each and every time.
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