MIL text

[LA678]

How would you feel at receiving this text?

So I don't drip feed, for context. I have a new baby, 6 months old. MIL is very over bearing - think 2/3 texts a day asking me how LO is, how he slept, asking for pictures etc (he is their first grandchild)
LO has been unwell for 5/6 days now with a horrible cold, sneezing, coughing, just generally unwell. I've taken him doctors and they said unless he's showing signs of being unable to breathe, sucked in ribs, high temp, etc then just keep my eye on her but there's nothing they can do - just saline sprays and cuddles. MIL came over this afternoon and LO was coughing but in a very good mood and had a low temperature. When she left I got this message, "That baby doesn't have a cold, she has a chest infection. Are you going to take her back to doctors to be looked at? I would suggest that you do." Then a text straight after "Not poking my nose in or anything though lol".

I've since found out she text OH the same as he kept really pushing the doctors and when I asked him why he said his mum had told him to mention it. I'm not sure how to feel but know I'm not happy with this as I'm perfectly capable of knowing what's best for my baby but not sure if I'm being sensitive. How would you feel?

‘I’ll keep that in mind, thanks’

would probably do for a reply to mil.

As for dh, tell him how this is making you feel.

My baby had that cold thing too I hope your baby gets well soon.

I thought mine had a chest infection gp reassured me it wasn’t she listened to baby’s chest and everything.

Tell you dh everything’s in hand you’ve taken baby to gp who’s checked him over and baby is fine just full of cold. And his mother doesn’t know more than the doctor who checked your baby.

I’d ignore mil if it’s really riling you. Or text as pp suggested

She's just concerned. Also the condition of your baby can change since seeing the dr. Perhaps she believes she can hear problem breathing. Perhaps she can or perhaps she is just worried. You would be very grateful if she noticed something the doctor had missed. 3 texts a day isn't overbearing it's involved and interested. The beauty of a text is you can reply if and when it is convenient. You may find it too much but it's not wrong to be caring. Babies aren't property they are people who are part of a family.

Lapetitesiren, seriously are you the MIL?
And 3 texts a day can feel like harrassment for a new Mum especially if the MIL is as rude and overbearing as she is in this example text.

Theres literally nothing more annoying than an overbearing person when youre jist trying to get your own confidence with your first baby. It is common if that reassures you, I work in an area which means Im qualified and experienced in baby's healthcare...my in laws still tried to pull this kind of shit on me OP. Some of it does come from a place of love/wantong to be involved but this is an important time to define boundaries in your relationship with the in laws as new grandparents. Texting my DH telling him to tell me what to do would boil my piss. A text along the lines of hows little one doing? hope the cpugh is getting better wouod be OK but 'that baby' is a horrible phrase and telling you what to do over text as well. Well 😞. Imagine if you had a bit of post natal anxiety/depression it would be skyrocketing with this kind of negative input.

Your husband needs to be involved with the boundary setting. If MIL sends him a text like thar he needs to respond with something like 'Oh yeah LA has been to tge drs and theyve advised us when we need to go back, shes got it covered.' or something equally polite but dismissive. To reduce the texts cpuld you sign up to sone kind of baby diary or photo share app? this worked quite well with my mil, I told her I was getting a lot of messages each day and finding it hard to reply so I would put a pic up each day or two on the app and her and my mum and aunty would each have a log in. It helped although if i missed a day she moaned! See what feels confortable to you.

Unfortunately in some other areas I was less good at boundary setting. And DH was bloody useless at it. This culminated in her announcing to a big table at a festive family get together that my baby was much happier when i wasnt around. In my ear shot. Funnily enough after that I learnt to set some healthy boundaries pretty quick.

Best wishes with it all xx

I'd just ignore it TBH. as I would ignore the 3 texts per day. if the number increases then DH maybe needs to talk to her. send her a photo or whatever every now and then, once or twice a week maybe, to establish what is a normal level of contact.

I distinctly remember the only time my MIL did something like this and I took my DD1 to the OOH dr. She started playing with the stethoscope and the GP laughed when I explained why I was there. My MIL didn’t do things like that usually (she was lovely) but it did make me realise that you know your own baby best.

Honestly 3 texts a day is normal ? On planet mother in law from hell maybe - here in the real world that's intrusive and overbearing when you are just trying to lead your life with your own child. The baby is 6 months not 6 days.

Sounds just like my MIL, OP! I just ignore them now and she's reduced the messages (slightly)!

I would text back: "We've got it covered already". Keep it very neutral and don't offer any other explanations. If she replies with any other comments or questions then don't respond.

Texting you daily feels a bit OTT. I would create a bit of distance - don't respond to every text and when you do, make sure that you leave a good few hours gap. If you jump every time she messages you, then she'll carry on doing it.

I'd also have a word with your DH and tell him that he needs to tell his DM to back off. It's not her baby and whilst it's great that she wants to be close, she needs to bear in mind that if she carries on as she is, the likely outcome is that you will back off and she'll see less of her GC as a result.

Go with your instincts, you are with the baby round the clock and have been to the doctor already. If anything changes, of course you would go back.

As for 3 texts a day, that is intrusive and annoying. If your mother-in-law needs updates, she can ask her son for them. I'm sure he'd love to receive 3 texts a day from his mother demanding updates, photos and disturbing him.

Did you post about this MIL when your DD was fairly newborn as well?

My MIL is a hypochondriac and all her children have picked a bit of it up from her as well. Between her and DP I have a nightmare convincing them that DD doesn't need to go to the GP for every sniffle (DP is getting much much better)

So I sympathise but don't have any advice I'm afraid.

How often would your own Mum text op? Because you need to train mil to aim for the same by ignoring some or replying to them all with one text at the end of the day.

Personally I don't think two texts a day is too much, it wouldn't bother me at all, but it is obviously bothering you and the tone of the example text is indeed overbearing.

The only thing I would say is to be kind because she isn't doing this to annoy you or make you dislike her, she's doing it because she cares, loves her son, loves baby, would never forgive herself if she suspected a chest infection but didn't tell you and baby got worse.

My response to that text would've been 'already done but thank you'

LA678

You have taken your child to the doctors and they are medically trained unlike your MIL. Such passive aggressive behaviour from her dressed up as concern is a very unattractive trait and I would raise boundaries with her even higher as of now.

I would also remind your man that he is his own person who can make his own decisions and is not an extension of his own mother. She used him as her mouthpiece, this may well be a man who cannot stand up to his mother at all and that in itself is a problem in its own right.

3 texts a day? Every day? My phone would be on silent permanently

You know best op. You took baby to the doctors of course you’ll go back if you need to
I’d just respond once with ‘everything is fine I’m keeping an eye on her Thankyou ‘. And totally ignore the other texts

She's just concerned. I live with my dd and dgd and things like that concern me, but my dd puts me in my place. Really grandmothers opinions should ideally only be given when asked for.

She sounds exactly like my DM. She's constantly making 'suggestions' with the proviso that 'you don't have to do it.' But then she keeps harping on about her 'suggestions'. And the assumes I've spoken to my DH about them, but I've actually quietly ignored them.

I've found that since withdrawn from her she's backed off and is much easier to cope with in small doses.

That would really annoy me. You know your own baby better than she does and at 6 months you need to trust your own judgement. I'd either ignore her completely or only reply every few days to her constant texts. Reply about the cold such as "thanks for your concern" and leave it at that. If you keep replying and telling her everything she'll carry on texting and sticking her nose in.

Ive been in a similar position, I've got a nearly 6 month old baby and nearly 2 year old. Our kids are my in laws only grandkids and they just got too much with our daughter. Their over involvement and being over invested in our daughter just made me want to ignore them, I didn't though!! I don't want to hijack your thread but basically it all came to a head last Christmas (our daughter's 1st Christmas) we ended up having a huge fallout as we wanted a quiet Christmas to ourselves, they wanted our daughter to be the star of their Christmas show with their 15 guests! When they realised this wasn't going to happen they went mental at me and my husband and we didn't speak to them until Easter. Although it's easier for me in that they never bother me now, it's ruined our relationship. I wish I'd said or done something sooner when I started to find them too much. I used to get on with my in laws great, throw a baby into the mix and everyone goes a bit crazy!

Seriously, OP, your DH needs to grow a pair and tell his DM to back off and respect boundaries. She won't change unless he does.

My mil is a bit like this and I’ve mafe unnecessary trips to the doctors because she got me worried. From her message though I think she’s trying to be helpful so I’d just ignore and also don’t reply to all her texts if you are and just say sorry I was busy with the baby.

Sounds like my MIL. She doesn't text to ask how we are, just what am I doing with my son, is he well, and if he isn't, why am I not doing this or that.

I stopped answering her messages. She works for the NHS in an admin capacity but thinks she's a bloody doctor judging by her medical advice. Was the same woman who told me to give my 2 week old son boiled water because he hadn't poo'd all day and also smoked around her three kids and all the grandkids (not mine - what she does in her own home is up to her, but my kids one of which has chronic asthma and allergies, won't be exposed to that - she refuses to smoke outside).

There is a lot more to it than that but I've had to slowly disengage as I was getting so many messages and 'tips' on my children that it was stressing me out. My mum does text me a couple of times a day to ask how my son is, but it's because she misses him - she has him twice a week during the day whilst I work. On the other hand, MIL has seen my DS twice in four months.

Start as you mean to go in Op, firm up boundaries around mil.

Your dh is going to need to support you, not his overbearing mother, he needs to firm up boundaries around her too.