Struggling to come to terms with controlling abusive father

[NonePlusFive]

Just that really. I'm not sure this post is in the right place but wasn't sure where else to put it.

My father has always been controlling of us and my mother, what I now recognise as emotionally abusive, some physical when we were younger and certainly threats, I grew up afraid.
He also has an alcohol problem which has gotten much worse.

I've not lived 'at home' for 15 yrs or so, and haven't visited that regularly. This year I spent more time with my parents and have seen the alcohol issue has got much worse, and seen how controlling and abusive he still is to my mother and myself...

For the first time my mum actually admitted to me she couldn't spend the rest of her life like this. I told her I'd stand by her and help if she made that decision. The next morning it's brushed under the carpet again.
It kills me that she is unhappy and I hate that she will probably stay with him until one of them dies but to be honest it's scary, I am scared of the thought of leaving as well. I don't know what he would do but i wouldn't put much past him..

It all hurts so much. I don't want to visit because I can't stand it. But I'm desperate to spend time with my mum. When I'm away I feel like an adult and I don't tolerate people behaving like this to me but when I'm there I'm walking on egg shells, trying not to get in the firing line, trying to please him. I want to stand up to him.

I can't see a way forward. Nothing practical to do. I just hope he dies. I must be horrible.. there are much worse things, real abuse, I'm aware of that, but I can't stand it.
On top of all that, I love him on some level. He's my dad and I'm desperate for his approval and love.

Please. What do I do and what is the way forward?

My mum and dad were the same but the other way around. I don't think there's anything you can do, other than what you're doing; offering her support and reassurance that you'll be there if and when she plucks up the courage to go.

The problem is (as it was with my dad) that she is probably part of the problem - she has been with him so long, she can't imagine life away from him. When things are good, it makes the bad stuff go away. Then they just weather the bad times until it's good again. But she is an adult, and even though it doesn't feel to you as if she has a choice, she is choosing every day to stay with him. You can't fix this for her. (It took therapy for me to understand and accept this). Children of emotional abusers often grow up blaming themselves for everything and trying to fix the family, even into adulthood.

So just sit tight, and do what you're doing. I hope your mum plucks up the courage soon. She's lucky to have you.