Has anyone here successfully 'cured' themselves of passive aggression

[Badweekjustgotworse]

I'm doing some serious introspection, it's been a hard week relationship/family wise and I know I have some pretty serious issues to deal with.

Tldr: Marriage is suffering, both to blame, but I'm fed up of the same unhealthy cycle and can't really expect him to wise up if I'm not prepared to do the same.

So I know that I respond with some classic passive aggressive traits in times of stress, I internalise and shut down which results in sulking (which I hate) and I pick at myself while I'm in this shutdown mode which spirals my mood more, totally unhealthy.

Has anyone ever managed to re programme their passive aggressive traits into a more healthy style of communicating?

Any advice gratefully received, I'm fed up of living with this, it's totally counterproductive. I just don't know how to deal with conflict.

To avoid drip feeding this was triggered by Dh constantly expecting me to shoulder all the emotional load of the family and house. I've just finished a major contract where I was working 12hr days for 3 weeks, had one day off and then minor surgery that required 48hrs bed rest the next day.

I just wanted to rest, but day off was filled with, 'have you done....?' 'What are we going to do for....?' 'When will you do....' etc etc sprinkled with 'I've no clean shirts' 'there's no food in the house' and losing his temper with the children. I'm always the one to discipline, set boundaries and enforce them while he's the fun parent and never enforces rules, encourages breaking them and then flips out and loses his temper when he's had enough. My head was melted and I shut down, literally didn't know where to start to communicate what was annoying me and was too tired to deal with a confrontation / conflict as was fully expecting his usual response of something along the lines 'oh yeah it's all about you.... followed by Eyeroll

There are no medals for pandering to a man child. Unfortunately your inability to tell this selfish pathetic excuse of a human that having a penis isn’t a fucking handicap, has triggered a behavioural coping response that in the very beginning, probably helped deal with the stress and anxiety of a dysfunctional relationship but the long term effects have been pretty corrosive.

Even if you find strategies for dealing with your behaviour, the trigger will still be there. If responsibility, accountability, respect, partnership, kindness, curtesy are some of the traits you wish your children to experience in their future relationships, why the hell are you in a relationship that models the exact opposite?

To be honest I think I would be more than passive with a man like your husband. Don't hold all the blame yourself.

That said, we have recently had couples therapy - specifically 'Emotionally Focussed Couples Therapy', based on a book by Dr Sue Johnson 'Hold me Tight'. It was really good for helping us both to understand what was really happening when we argue. I also used to react in a very similar manner to you. I'd recommend reading it.

Isetan that is pretty brutal but absolutely spot on...

To be fair your post itself is rather passive aggressive, you claim to be asking for help with your behaviour and then detail all the things wrong with his.

If you are in a pattern of responding in a certain way then it probably stems from childhood. In times of stress that trigger feelings from our childhood we tend to automatically resort to the way we responded as a child. So perhaps when you were little you felt powerless, a sense of injustice or feeling overwhelmed and you were unable to or afraid to express it. So you clammed up and internalised it.

I think you could do with marriage counselling or even just counselling on your own just to help you assert your own needs. He needs help too to manage his anger and not hide from his responsibilities. You both need to want to save your marriage though, you can't do it alone.