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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

partner used drugs but I got the silent treatment

11 replies

happygolulu · 20/12/2017 22:57

with my partner for 5 years and recently had a big falling out and he has moved out. the problem was he was taking cocaine every week and trying to hide it from me. he would be lazy and short tempered and I could tell. we are both in our 40's and I have 2 DC aged 19 and in their twenties still living at home. partner knew I had a zero tolerance to drugs especially with DC coming and going all hours and also mixing with our friends. I've also had a very difficult time last 4 years losing DM to cancer and my DF very ill with Parkinsons. partner would tell his mum that our disagreements were down to me being stressed (grieving) over my parents . I covered for his drug use that I believe was the main cause of our disagreements - usually because I felt I was doing the lion's share and had a lack of support. we live in my home that I bought and paid for and my partner did not lift his weight sufficiently or contribute as much as I did to the home. well since he moved out, all of his family have cut me and my children off, just like that. nothing. like we never even existed! I am so so sad. Surely his family would want him to be living a healthy life and not sticking coke up his nose every week and as he gets older risking stroke, heart problem, whatever... Surely they could see I just wanted him to clean up and grow up! I just don't get it!!!

OP posts:
gonnabreakmyrustycage · 20/12/2017 22:59

They seem ridiculous. They are in the wrong, not you.

GrooovyLass · 20/12/2017 23:02

Are you sure that they know about it? He may have spun them a line and they think you're the bad guy?

happygolulu · 20/12/2017 23:04

GrooovyLass they know because I told his mother in the end. he was so vile and grumpy for a couple of days, being rude to me, I ended up telling her MY truth.

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 20/12/2017 23:18

And now you know where his selfishness comes from.

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/12/2017 23:38

Of course his family would prefer for him to be healthier. But by this stage, they probably know that they can't make him and so don't try.

They are his family, not yours OP, their loyalty and love are with him. You are now his latest Ex.

ParkheadParadise · 21/12/2017 00:00

My dd used drug's for years. It caused fights with my own family because I would never admit how bad the situation had got. I stood by her because she was my dd and I loved her. I used to hate it when family members would talk negatively about her, although I knew they were right in what they were saying.

One thing I did learn was people with addictions LIE so I wouldn't be surprised if he is telling a whole other story.
Living with someone with a drug problem is a nightmare, good luck hope you can move on with your own lifeFlowers

Jellyheadbang · 21/12/2017 00:54

Keep on walking. I’ve been here more than once. The family will always close ranks around the addict and no doubt whether or not they know about his habit there will be ingrained elements of codependency and enabling within his close circle.

Coyoacan · 21/12/2017 03:58

But why do you want to maintain relations with his family?

NSEA · 21/12/2017 04:05

I cut out all my brothers exes as soon as they ended. Even though I really liked most of them. It’s just what family does. Don’t take that personally.

You say drug use is a deal breaker to you and yet it seems to have taken more than just its use to end it. Next time ditch sooner.

He isn’t worth your worry. Nor are hos family

happygolulu · 21/12/2017 11:34

thank you for helpful comments. his mum rented him a flat pretty much straight away and so he is totally enabled in his inner circle yes. He is a funny guy and his family (mum in particular) and inner circle love being entertained by him. He is heading for mid 40's, I really thought he'd stop/grow out of it as he watched my own children grow up and start coming out with us. I can't see it ending well for him as I gather all he has done since he moved out is much more of the same. I'm just sad as I lost 3 members of my family in last 4 years, have a very small family of my own and I hate 'falling out' with people. Feel its very sad to have had 5 years and no just no contact. It's not my style to cut off anyone. I still can speak to ex boyfriends prior to this one quite amicably.

OP posts:
Offred · 21/12/2017 12:20

You need to focus on being glad that he is now their problem and not yours.

Having taken on responsibility for him by getting him a flat they will soon discover what it is like to take responsibility for a grown man with an addiction and the emotional development of a small child.

Good luck to them with that!

You need to move on with your life free of the dead weight Flowers

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