Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What were the early warning signs that your marriage was over?

43 replies

WoodenRainbow · 20/12/2017 21:27

What were the early warning signs that your marriage was over?

If there were no big indicators such as DV/EA/Affairs etc.

I have worries about my 10 year marriage and wonder if it’s the beginning of the end if it’s salvagable.

OP posts:
Fragglewump · 20/12/2017 21:31

I was so sad I cried silent tears whenever I was going somewhere with him in the car. Hope you are okay op

Rainybohoho · 20/12/2017 21:33

I secretly fantasised about him having an affair or leaving so I could get on with life. Also I just wanted to roll my eyes all the time.

TwitterQueen1 · 20/12/2017 21:34

Lots and lots of little things. I've said before that in my case, it was death by a thousand cuts and then suddenly you get to the last one, which might only be tiny, but it really is a case of the straw breaking the camels' back.

It doesn't have to be a big thing OP, something that you can easily justify, sometimes it's simply an accumulation of many, many small things.

In hindsight I wish that I'd picked up my exH every single time, but when it's happening you go into forgiving / accommodating / understanding mode - I did anyway.

So to give you an example, on our very 1st Christmas dinner, which I'd spent hours planning and cooking, his sister rang just as we started eating and he disappeared for 20 minutes (they were/are very close), leaving me to eat dinner on my own, despite me gesticulating that he should ring back when we'd finished eating.

I should have thrown a mega strop and put his dinner in the bin. And then explained why I was so cross. I didn't, and that was where it started to go wrong - it took 10 years to finally come to an end.

It doesn't matter what it is tbh, if it matters to you, it's important.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/12/2017 21:35

I remember him talking about a woman at work and found myself hoping he’d have an affair with him so he’d fuck off and leave me and I could stop being so miserable.

I started lying to people who asked how things were because I was ashamed about how shit things were, how awful he was, how scared I was.

Instead of missing him when he worked all hours and went away a lot I looked forward to being on my own.

Sorry things aren’t good. It might not be fatal but I wish someone had told me that being unhappy is reason enough to end a marriage. It doesn’t have to be a specific level of awfulness to give you a reason to justify ending it and walking away.

When the prospect of leaving is better than staying then it’s time to go. Not because the grass is greener, but because being lonely on your own is so much better than being lonely in a relationship.

Racmactac · 20/12/2017 21:36

I kept wishing he'd die! That made me realise it really wasn't healthy and I was wasting my life.

Brandnewstart · 20/12/2017 21:38

He was so stubborn and controlling. He didn't want to have sex (well not with me as it turns out).
The main thing that stands out is he wouldnt recognise our child's additional needs and made me feel bad about querying things. Oh and he used to take the kids out of my arms if they had fallen over/were ill because he could do it better. Actually he reckoned he could do everything better Hmm

Karlakitten1 · 20/12/2017 21:43

Doesn't help at all, but many of these signs that pps have mentioned I am feeling recently. Feel awful about the wishing he was dead one, but it sort of takes away the pain and hurt as I just wish he would disappear. Sorry to make this about me...he has currently taken himself off to a hotel for the night. Not sure what to do.

Pinkitis · 20/12/2017 21:44

I fantasized that he would die in a car crash when he drove on a long journey as I felt life would be easier without him.

I also remember a turning point when he 'forgot' it was our wedding anniversary and arranged a night out without me and wasn't in the slightest bit bothered about it.

Original poster
WoodenRainbow · 20/12/2017 21:48

I worry that we’re growing apart. Our hobbies are different and our friends are different. In a way that they weren’t a decade ago. I don’t feel like he listens to me and all he talks about is his hobby, which I know nothing about and have no interest in. We strongly disagree about housework and money. He calls most of the shots eg what tv we watch, where we go on dates etc. It’s not done in a forceful bullying way but I go along with things because I want him to be happy, in a way that he never goes along with my ideas to make me happy. (Again, he would have done 10 years ago)

He’s lost the passionate, open minded nature that i fell in love with and now is opinionated and forceful. He dominates in discussions and rarely listens to my POV. He doesn’t admit when he’s wrong and assumes he’s right and I’m wrong.

I get the feeling that he doesn’t care about me much, even though he says he loves me.

He also didn’t side with me recently when I had a MH crisis and needed help. He put money before my MH. (Can’t go into details it’s too outing)

I wouldn’t say I’m miserable, we have two young children and life is mostly enjoyable. I worry that we’ll tick along for the next 10 years but then wake up one morning and there’ll be nothing left.

OP posts:
GlitteryStag · 20/12/2017 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pudding21 · 20/12/2017 21:51

That his behavior made my heart sink more than sing. That I felt like literally nothing I did was good enough. Looking at other couples, wishing our relationship was like that. Wanting to stab him at times......I put up with it for atleast 3 years (21 years together).

Dynamics changed, one or both of us didn't adapt well. Things turned to shit. So much happier now, he isn't he is a still an angry bitter man, but why change the habit of a lifetime.

Original poster
WoodenRainbow · 20/12/2017 21:51

Flowers for you karla

Do you have children? Do you have a plan for what would happen if you left him?

OP posts:
caringdenise009 · 20/12/2017 21:54

Hoping he would die on his motorbike and hating the way he ate weetabix in equal measure. I had to leave the room while he ate breakfast. I'm pretty sure he wanted me dead too though.

Aroundtheworldandback · 20/12/2017 23:03

Coldness and disinterest in both me and our baby from him. I started crying when my au pair told me she was leaving.. was just so lonely.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 20/12/2017 23:16

Um, feeling incredulous at some of the absolute bollocks he would say and expect me to just agree.
Looking at him and thinking what a boring, miserable twat he is.
Having to have the same recurring conversation to get him to pull his weight around the house.
Realised that he was happy never going out.
It would never occur to him to arrange date nights (I used to, then gave up when it was clear I was the only one trying to keep our sex life afloat)
Same as others here, realising I couldn't give a shit if he was having an affair.

Think the reason I kept it going for so long (18 years) was that I didnt want to admit that I had married an utter toolConfused.

scrabbler3 · 21/12/2017 00:28

I suspected he was cheating on me with a particular colleague of his. And I didn't particularly care. I was more offended than upset. As it happens I was wrong anyway!

Hermonie2016 · 21/12/2017 06:01

It sounds like he has become self centred (has he become more successful in his career?) and this is breaking the emotional connection between you two

You may not be miserable but may have lost your sparkle and joy as you seem to have accommodated him.
Can you talk together about emotions? Would he be open about counselling?

If not I suspect its the beginning of the end as all marriages need tlc and nurturing from both parties.

WasDoingFine · 21/12/2017 06:19

My stbxh left me 6 months ago for his running/cycling partner. I have read all the above comments and nodded along to them all.

I have been miserable for years. I havent missed him since he left as he was never here anyway as he was always out doing his exercising with her.

I cant remember the last time l felt loved or wanted or even respected by him.

Peanutbuttercheese · 21/12/2017 09:09

We started to not talk and avoid each other, we sat on seperate sofas. I started to go to bed later and then I started to sleep in the spare room. My irritation levels became sky high.

He had a minor car crash and I didn't give a shit.

Joysmum · 21/12/2017 09:20

WoodenRsinbow the trouble with going along with things for the quiet life is that your partner never knows what your wants and needs are and you steadily grow further and further apart.

If you aren’t able to communicate then the marriage is dying.

jaffacake2 · 21/12/2017 09:22

Listening to the way he spoke to our eldest daughter who was 14 and realising that he was an abusive controlling arrogant man. It was a realisation that I didn't like him as a person and would not want him to continue to have a negative effect on our children's emotional confidence. Over the years he had reduced my confidence to zero.
I suggested counselling but he was indignant that he was doing anything wrong and within a year had an affair and then left.
It was the right decision for myself and daughters and we thrived without him.

Mankini36 · 21/12/2017 09:27

Apathy. Not caring where they were or who they were with.

Yousillyoldbird · 21/12/2017 10:06

Reading all the above comments and agreeing with them all. Suspicious my hubby is having an affair and I'm not bothered! Just want him to leave me for her and then I can live in peace with our son!

Original poster
WoodenRainbow · 21/12/2017 12:26

Hermonie interesting that you ask that because yes he has broken through in his career this year. He’s a senior manager and on track for the top job in a few years. I however, have had a massive career stall (same field as DH and same level of management ‘status’ prior to kids). My career is in tatters since having 2 kids whereas his has gone from strength to strength.

His job is to tell people what to do all day and I feel like he comes home and wants to call all the shots here too.

I will broach the subject of counselling in the new year. I’m worried we’ll open a can of worms though and realise we actually hate each other.

He would be so much better off without me than I with him (I work PT, have no family near by)

OP posts:
ChancellorBercow · 21/12/2017 12:35

If you mean much better off financially OP you could be wrong.