Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Partner suffering MIL fall out

12 replies

Hannabee123 · 20/12/2017 15:05

39 weeks pregnant and just back from the hospital... High blood pressure, Feel like a complete bag of crap.
Partner suggested going out which I immediately perked up to... until he mentioned about bringing his mother.

I missed a call from her last week as I was busy washing clothes/cleaning/bleaching/sorting nursery and she was quite nasty came to the window when I hadn't slept. Kept knocking and yelling to let her in. Moved to the door accused me of hating her and all kinds of shit. I just told her to leave me alone.

Detested the idea of going out with her today so now me and .y partner are fighting and I just want to quite frankly fuck off far away 😐

OP posts:

Original poster

Hannabee123 · 20/12/2017 15:06

He's worried about Christmas I just can't be bothered with her...

OP posts:

Silverthorn · 20/12/2017 15:08

She sounds batshit.

Original poster

Hannabee123 · 20/12/2017 15:13

Yeah I just really can't be bothered with her and my partner hates the fact we can't get along and be a family over Christmas. Die boxing day so hopefully it's a good excuse to be left alone 😶😣

OP posts:

Original poster

Hannabee123 · 20/12/2017 15:13

Due*

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2017 15:32

"Yeah I just really can't be bothered with her and my partner hates the fact we can't get along and be a family over Christmas"

Unfortunately your man's own inertia when it comes to his mother is simply hurting him as well as you. He may never realise this either and he may ultimately lose you over his unwillingness to stand up to his mother. He seems to be completely unable and unwilling to deal with his mother and hopes that the whole issue will go away because he will not and cannot deal with any of this at all.

He seems far more afraid of her than he ever would be of you and would rather throw you under the bus than have his own self being shouted at by his toxic mother. He still wants her approval and is mired by his own fear, obligation and guilt that she instilled in him. People like his mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

What does he say about her behaviours towards you or again does he not want to hear it?. He may well want to continue a relationship of sorts with her but that does not mean that you or your child will have to do the same. You need to put in place consistent boundaries with her.

Original poster

Hannabee123 · 20/12/2017 15:50

Oh gosh you are 100% on the not accepting responsibility for her actions. She never thinks she does anything wrong!
He has told her to grow up and does give her Greif when she starts but ultimatley he is very close with her (his father died earlier this year) so she constantly calls him / his sister / whoever and I've expressed several times that I can not be responsible for her mostly self inflicted loneliness whilst I'm on maternity leave and having a baby. She uses our dog as a coping mechanism and constantly hassles us to let her take the dog. I've been trying to put boundaries in place so that I can have some privacy before my baby's born as I've been quite unwell but she is not respecting this.
Missing a phone call and not calling her back has resulted in world war 3. Just feeling really invaded and enjoying the peace whilst she is leaving me alone. Mau sound really nasty of me :(

OP posts:

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 20/12/2017 17:52

Oh god I remember your previous thread. She sounds crazy and he lacks a backbone.

Being so heavily pregnant is awful. I couldn't face anyone at that stage and if they'd been giving me the level of grief your MIL is then I'd have likely killed them.

I hate that people often try and suck it all up at Christmas and pretend to play happy families.

Tbh I'd probably just have a massive row and tell them all to fuck off and die, but I'm sure there are more constructive ways of handling it...

RestingGrinchFace · 20/12/2017 17:56

Why hasn't he sorted out her behaviour? She is his mother so it's his responsibility to sort her out.

Original poster

Hannabee123 · 20/12/2017 18:08

She plays the lonely and miserable / depressed mother card to her kids so they both feel bad. I normally feel bad but my patience with all the interference has run out and she needs to take responsibility for herself instead of relying on others.
I'm at a bit of a loss my day has turned into lying in my cold bedroom for the past 6 hours in a vile mood with my partner and everyone.
Sure i'l probably have to suck it up and see her at some point but right now I just want to try and relax, stabilise and have a MIL free week before due day.
I told my partner where to go and that I shouldn't be made to feel bad as I haven't done anything wrong she thinks I hate her and I'm scum of the earth for not answering a phone call 😐

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/12/2017 18:16

And no you do not have to suck it up and see her at some point either.

Your man needs a backbone; he could ultimately see his own relationship with you end over his inability to assert himself at all in the presence of his mother. If you at all think she will behave better with you around your child then you will be likely sorely disappointed.

How did your man react to you re the last sentence in your post of 18.08?

What does his sibling think of his mother?. Does he/she have any sort of relationship with her?.

Original poster

Hannabee123 · 23/12/2017 05:53

He said he has had a go / word with his mother about coming over and being so rude. I think she just doesn't want to accept she has done anything wrong and she thinks I'm an arsehole.
Things have been abit patchy the past few days... 3 days away from due date feeling in pain and crabby and sad. He has been okay and supportive.
They celebrate Christmas on the 24th cos his mom is polish so I've got some major anxiety going to the annual family gathering at her house. I'm thinking of using pregnancy and my blood pressure situation to not go. I have my midwife first thing for checks at the hospital anyway on Christmas eve but I don't know weather on not to suck it up and go. I haven't seen or spoken to her since she came to the door accusing me of hating her and being an arse for missing her call.
I don't know anymore just hoping baby comes along to get out of her Christmas shit.
I don't see his sister often but she interferes with her life as much as my partners I think. His mom has to know everyone's business

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/12/2017 07:27

Do not go to his mother's or see her at all from now on, no good will come of doing so. You would not have tolerated that from a friend, why is his mother so different?. She is not. You want to subject your child to such people like his mother and sister as well, hell no should be your answer.

Your man is spineless and needs a backbone badly. What is he doing here if anything re his mother?. What he has done to date is not enough, he still sees her.

Is he so mired in his own inertia, fear, obligation and guilt through years of her conditioning that he cannot stand up for his own self here and in turn his own family unit in her presence?.

His sister seems to be a carbon copy of his mother as well.

Flip