Destined to be a step-mum?

[Todayfrustratingday]

I feel I have acquaintances rather than true friends. What I need right now is good friend who will support me and help me and I guess what I want is some back-up. I left school a long time ago and even then I had very few friends. I didn't go to university and when I went out into the working world again I had work acquaintances but not true friends. I am in a marriage that I probably should leave. My parents are trying to support but to be blunt they are just leaving me to it and casually giving me the impression that I'll stay with him in the end so there's not much point them taking my situation too seriously. I would like DH to change his ways and improve but I can see that he won't so in January I will leave. Work commitments mean I can't move too far away from my current area and family. Do other people have really good friends and support in place for the breakdown of a marriage? I feel lonely and like the responsibility to leave my home and pets is all on my shoulders. I know the decision is mine to make. DH has said he does not want to go for counselling so I guess he's moved on mentally and i need to do the same. I don't like Christmas much since every one for the last 13 years I've hoped I'd be expecting a baby and every attempt has failed. DH accepts this. I can't accept it. If I were to meet a new partner in life perhaps he might already have children and maybe that's my destiny.

How old are you OP? You sound depressed and like you're crying out for some support in this difficult time. Could you afford some counselling? I've had some before and it's just good for the soul in my opinion.

I don't have that many close friends to be honest, I'm terrible at maintaining relationships so I know it's my own fault in my case! Do you have any hobbies where you can meet people and do something for yourself?

Paperchains1986 Great advice on not Googling hardsports, but why did you think OP needed it?

I am in my forties. I probably can afford to get myself some counselling. I am disappointed by my life and feeling a bit sorry for myself. I deserve happiness and peace and someone who appreciates me rather than ignoring me and leaving me on my own a lot. My hobbies seem to involve an hour or two doing exercise classes with ladies who have families to rush home to or 19/20 year olds who are still young and fresh and unjaded and very keen to drink and snapchat every 10 seconds. I am in my early forties. I feel like i don't fit in.

I was responding to a different thread where a concerned wife asked what it meant as her husband had messaged a prostitute asking for hardsports. For some reason it listed it here. Clearly a mistake, and I immediately requested it was removed which is was about 100 seconds after being posted.

Do you have any useful advice for the OP missb? Or is the only comment you've got to make about my comment not being helpful to the OP?

I'm involuntarily childless and I hate it. I want to adopt and DH does not. Therein lies the problem.

LOL about paperchains post! Very interesting! I'd never heard of it. I'm a straight laced woman of 42.

My parents had two children. My DB has two children. My parents don't understand the fear I have of growing older without children and with no prospect of any. Being an aunt is nice but it's not enough for me. Call me selfish but it's what is in my heart. I feel the need to nuture and parent and all that comes with it.

OP I’m 42. I left an unhappy relationship when I was 40. It was the beginning of a totally new life for me and I’ve never ever looked back. My ex refused to go for fertility tests for 6 years. He wouldn’t discuss adoption or fostering because by bringing it up I was ‘ruining his weekend/ evening.’ When I left I grieved that I felt he’d stolen my child bearing years and I hated that I’d stayed so long. Now I’m living independently. I’m happy and content. I’ve had another relationship since that didn’t work out. He had DC although I didn’t meet them. I have a date at Xmas with someone from school. All is good. I have not given up hope of being a mother despite my age and have decided to look into adoption next year. I’m really positive about it. What I’m trying to say is the first step is to get yourself out of your unhappy situation. I stayed too long and you probably have too. Focus on a new life living independently, get to that place and go from there. We only get one go at this life business. Take charge of your own destiny. You’ll feel more in control of your life and your choices. It’s difficult to start with but once you’re out it gets easier

Oh and since being on my own I’ve made a new circle of close friends too x

You could still adopt?

Aminuts23 Thanks for your kind words. I have stayed too long. Guilt over something that happened years ago. Didn't see it until a couple of months ago when I realised DH moans about everything e.g working an extra 15 minutes or a colleague taking a small liberty. I am kind and forgiving and compassionate. I am retraining for a new career as I need to be with children so by being a nursery worker I can be with children aged 1-5 who knows in the future I might even re-train again to teach or be a teaching assistant. I can see the future might be better, but it doesn't stop me wistfully wishing that it had all been different. My retraining at night college is a room full of women who already have children. It tests me every week when the class conversation starts with "when I had my son/daughter/twins" etc. People don't realise the pain deep down. Good luck for your adoption planning. I have friends who adopted 18 months ago and it's going really well for them. They are my inspiration.

I do want to try to adopt in the future. It'll take all I have and all I am to do it on my own but I think I can. There is no law against single adopters. I wish DH would have been by my side but he's decided he doesn't want that.

I’d say that if there’s any possibility that you might want to adopt then you need to be getting your ducks in a row now. I understand that you need to be settled (ie. no recent break ups from long term relationships / no recent fertility treatments) for around 6 months at least. If you decide to go for it alone you need to get cracking. Good luck to you

Thank you. Good advice. X

How about fostering once you have settled on your own? I do have dc but it is not at all as I had planned and am a single parent. I think the other posters are right - once you leave you can start being happy for you. I would love to foster and will definitely try to do so once my dcs are older. I used to have step kids though - that's not usually a bed of roses but you may be lucky.

Is donor conception a possibility? Sometimes I wish I had just done that. Less trouble and I could have picked better genes.

and I just googled hardsports. I now know something else I wish I didn't.

@zsazsajuju

Is donor conception a possibility? Sometimes I wish I had just done that. Less trouble and I could have picked better genes

That is so sad for your children.
You wish you had better children with better genes
Your poor children

@ green - that is not any way a reflection on my children, just one of my exs who has certain medical issues which it worries me that my children will develop.
I adore my children and they are perfect to me and always will be. But if you really want to have children, you dont need to have a man to do so and there are certainly advantages to donor conception.