Gas lighting survivor - does life get any easier?

[iamnotwhat]

I escaped a longterm relationship nearly two years ago, having been gaslighted for 15 years. After I left him I was full of energy for a few months, but ever since then I have felt totally drained. I find that I'm now so exhausted all the time that I'm unable to keep on top of the housework.

As well as that, I just seem to be ill all the time. I've recently had a complete change of direction in career, but it's been thwarted by illness which I suspect is somehow connected with periods of stress.

I have very little money and no family nearby - but have two amazing children who I try to do the best for.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. I just need to know if what I'm feeling is 'normal' after what I've been through. And if anyone's got any suggestions on how i can get myself over/through it I'd love to hear. I'm at my wit's end.

Also - I wasn't sure where to post this. I hope this is the right place

I've recently had a complete change of direction in career, but it's been thwarted by illness which I suspect is somehow connected with periods of stress.

I had 20 years in an abusive relationship (including gaslightling). I eventually divorced, but developed a thyroid condition which some people believe is linked to stress. It's not very helpful, but I think you just need to give yourself time. Two years is not long to recover from a bad 15 year relationship.

Most victims of abuse suffer from adrenal problems - tiredness being one of the big signs. You can recover by being easy on yourself but being pro active with your health - exercise, good food etc.. craving sweet and salty food is another sign and you should eat these foods - your body is calling out for them. Fruit rather than chocolate.
Abusive relationships play havoc with the adenal system - it's constantly going up and down. And despite leaving him it can take years to go back to normal.
Focus on healing.

You sound a bit depressed.
Have you been to see your GP.
Please go.
This could be one of many things wrong and you deserve to feel better so don't shy away from it.
Go along and tell them everything.

Did you have any support from Womens Aid or a DV charity when you split with your Ex?
This would be another good thing to do if you didn't.
You will need counselling.
Womens Aid can help with local support services.
You can also attend their Freedom Programme which will help you massively.
Time to get some professional outside support for you.
After everything you've been through. you deserve it.

Thanks so much all of you. Means so much that you took the time to reply.

I'm on antidepressants, and the dose was upped about a month ago. I've been having counselling on and off this last year, first of all through the NHS then privately (but I can't afford it) and now through an amazing local charity for children from DV families (they look after the mums too). I just seem to be sinking further into exhaustion and lack of ability to concentrate - and I hate the knock on effect it's having on the housework and other things. The children are loved, fed, watered, washed and clothed etc, but I just don't have the energy for anything else.

Interesting to read about sweet and salty foods (esp having just had a craving for sweet and salted popcorn!) and I'll look into adrenal issues. Is it anything the gp can help with, or is it home remedies?

Thanks again

I would ask your GP to do a full thyroid function test - it would also be worth asking them to check your vitamin D and iron levels. All of the above can affect energy levels and concentration. I have also given up gluten which seems to have improved my energy levels.

Hi again sleeping. I'm so sorry to hear you've been through such an awful time, and thank you for your advice.

I appear to have the symptoms for low thyroid and low iron, and so have been tested for both several times over the years (inc before I left exH). I was found to have low iron once, but my thyroid's been "fine", which has been a surprise to me and my gp. I went gluten free for about 10 months, hopeful that that would solve all my problems but it didn't. I was just as tired as before and when money got tighter and tighter (and I got more and more tired) I didn't see the benefit of staying off it anymore. The gp tested me for gluten intolerance and that came back negative too.

It's going through different thoughts and suggestions like this that have helped me get to where I am now - finally recognising that maybe my tiredness and constant little ailments are somehow linked to stress. So, thanks again for the suggestions. I really do appreciate it x

Oh, and the gp checked my vitamin D levels too. He said it was a litttle low but what you'd expect of someone who lived in England. I've been on vitamin D supplements since all the same!

I've just seen my ex and feel as if I've been hit by a wrecking ball - suddenly utterly shattered

to you. Sorry for what you went through but so glad you got away. Are you able to minimise contact with your ex?

Thanks bluejelly. I see him as little as possible but unfortunately there are times when it's necessary. It was only a brief meeting today, but it still had an effect

The children are loved, fed, watered, washed and clothed etc, but I just don't have the energy for anything else

After very stressful time then this is completely normal. Give yourself a year to recover.

Thanks JapaneseTea

I dont know if your gp can do an adenal check. When i was in a womans refuge a lovely masseuse volunteered to come and give us treatments.
She told me about adrenal problems while giving me reflexology. She could tell i had a weak adrenal system and said every abused woman she treated had this.
It rights itself eventually as long as you avoid the abuser and make sure you get loads of sleep. I was sleeping 10 hours a day!

This is me!!!

I swear it's stress as I'm now insomniac at night and utterly exhausted in the day.

I too had the burst of energy for around 5 months after we first split. Gone now.

I've started taking non prescription Meds to cope or I don't have enough energy to cope with the day to day grind.

If you've been running on empty for years, just surviving, when you finally break free, the body has a huge crash. Depression, general knackeredness and anxiety kick in.

It will sort itself out, but a bit of therapy and a lot of self-care and a shedload of patience will do you wonders.

I'm told four years is about average, so aim to fully recover by 3 1/2 years and you get the idea of just how compassionate you need to be toward yourself.

Just to say I can relate to it.

Left ex and had amazing energy but a year long legal proceedings has damaged my health.
You are likely to be drained so first you need to rest, early nights, nap when you need to and try to do at least one positive activity for yourself each day, even if its a walk or yoga stretches and meditation (youtube for coaching).

Whenever I see ex it exhausts me, not sure why but I suspect my body has flight/fight response so have an energy crash afterwards.I think you just have to listen to your bodys reaction and be aware of it, its giving you a warning that he is toxic to you.

If you consider that you are drained then visualise needing to top up your batteries through self care.
Are you happy in your house, did you move after separation? I realise I have lost interest in the house so a move for me will be positive.
It takes between 2-4 years on average to recover from a long relationship so just have realistic expectations for yourself.Keep checking with GP for your health however, another factor could be hormones especially if you are over 40.

Thanks everyone. Such helpful comments.

to all who have suffered or are still suffering.

I'm in my 40s and went back to full-time studying in Sept after years of working. I'm not coping with it well because of all the illness, and I'm now wondering if it was too early to make such a move. I can't have "me" time as I'm either looking after the children or trying to study, and I feel as if the stressors are just stacking up.

I'm studying for a career change that is really important to me, but maybe now is not the time. But then I think that if I don't do it now what will I do for money - I can just see different stressors stacking up

Sorry for the stream of thoughts here. Since I started this thread a lot of thoughts have started tumbling out of my head.

As an update, I've left my course as it was just too much for me. I got ill again after Christmas and it was just like my body was shouting at me to stop. I've been reading about adrenal fatigue and it's scarily how much rings true.

I need to take the time to get myself well again. I'm absolutely exhausted all the time, and if I'm not "doing something" then I just want to sleep. I say want, I don't have a choice really as my body just closes down.

All the best to you all. Thanks for your support and putting me on the right track