Struggling and don't know what to do - handhold or help please

[nowherelefttoturn]

Please excuse the dramatic title, have also NCd for this.

I am trying my best to get through this testing time but I keep getting dragged back to the same place.

Have been with DP for many years and we have a very young DC and this has tested our relationship to the point where DP and I have split up and got back together, only for me to fall pregnant again. I am now nearly there birth wise and the last few months have been hell.

DP has completely changed, he shows me no affection anymore and says I am to blame. I won't totally dispute this as we have been together for many years and we have both made mistakes. External factors put a lot of strain on us and we both disagreed about how to move forward. I pressed for my own way for the sake of our family but the cost was so high that he has never felt the same about me. Not just this matter but everything else I have ever done wrong is now being used against me. He says he is waiting for me to change but I have to work out what I should do. This is very hard as I am struggling to parent a toddler while heavily pregnant. DP is a very hands on parent and does his share but there is no love or affection towards me anymore.

I tried to draw a line under things as he is not interested in counselling. He wouldn't leave as he has nowhere to go and I am about to have a baby so I'm not sure what to do. He wouldn't let me end things and said I was cold and horrible. He said he would try harder but now we are back to where we were. He has absolutely no interest in me.

Last night I had a horrible nightmare and I had to beg him to hold me. In the past he would have stroked my arm, held me tight, but he just lay his arm flatly over me like a dead weight.

This is not the first of many times this last year where he has left me to cry or watched me struggle and offered no support.

I am so trapped. I am about to have another baby and I have no support, no family nearby and things are so hard as it is. I am not young. Is this my life from now on?

I wonder is there anybody else out there who has been through this and are there any words of wisdom to help me through? Or just a handhold would be lovely.

Thanks.

Hi, I’m sorry to hear this, you must be exhausted, emotional and everything else, you sound like you need a big hug. It’s a shame you have no family nearby, I hope you have some good friends who you can talk to, who can help with your toddler and give you some support when your new little one arrives. My ex and I split when my DD was 18 Months, aside other reasons there was no support etc. He needs to realise you will be very emotional and hormonal after the birth so I hope he’s ready for that, he cannot blame you as this is a joint thing, being the parent too and I hope he is hands on to give you a rest when you need it. Sorry I’m not much help but I do feel for you.

What mistakes do you feel you have made?

Do you feel your partner is trying to punish you, in a sense, for these?

He sounds horribly emotionally abusive.

Sorry, posted too soon. You said you didn't live near family... Could you leave him, even temporarily, and go back to your family?

@Kit1411 thank you so much for taking the time to offer your support. I've been laying awake for hours waiting for somebody to reply and feeling so sad.

I don't think he will care anymore or be any more understanding when the baby comes, and I don't have any friends around who can offer any practical support as such.

@usedtogotomars there have been lots of ups and downs as we've been together for so long. I did leave him for a short while years ago before we had DC. There are other factors too outing that haven't helped at all. So I think he is punishing me, yes, but he won't relent.

I'm also in a long long relationship with two little ones and I do find that because we have been together such a long time, old things do get brought up again and again which otherwise would be let alone (think stuff we did as teenagers still being brought up in arguments)

I think long relationships can leave things to fester. You either choose as a couple to move forward (not as easy as it sounds) or you'll always be a victim of this.

Why is your partner so keen to stay together when, from what I understand, you've been fighting and tearing each other coldly for a
year? Do you think there is value in the relationship or is it over form your perspective

@MonaChopsis I wish I could get away but it's too close to the birth now. The thought of him being my only support when he is so unmoved by my pain is making me so anxious about it all.

I wish I knew what he wanted @Glitterspy as it certainly isn't me. I would be glad to be with the man he used to be but he's changed so much.

I kid you not, if you were my daughter I would drive across country to pick you up, just about to give birth or not.

How long have you got to go? How far away from family are you?

It sounds more painful to be in a relationship with him, than it would be on your own.

I don't know what you've done that he's referring to...but do you feel you were wrong? If so did you apologise?

If he is unable to move forward...I don't see much hope here.

You may need to see him just as the father of your children and think of how you can move on.

Maybe that means accepting the relationship is over and coparenting.

Thank you @MonaChopsis you're very kind.

Baby due a month from now. I'm probably too old to be your daughter so I shouldn't have let it get to this point!

@SandyY2K you are right, I have tried to resolve things as you describe but he weirdly he says it isn't what he wants.

You need to focus on yourself at the the moment and want you want and need. Please stop worrying about how to please him and make him behave better. I think you will have to assume that he will be no support to you. Can a family member or close friend be with you for the birth? If you will feel uncomfortable with him as your birth partner don't have him there and instead focus on the support from your midwife. Protect yourself from him (emotionally) and take up any support that is availible to you from outside. Be honest with your midwives about the situation and don't try to cover for him.

Sending you a hug.

You say he's changed - maybe he's scared shitless at the thought of another child. Whatever the reason he sounds very unpleasant.

Put yourself first for now. Rest as much as you can and once your baby is here, you can decide what needs to happen. Don't do anything now.

Wishing you a speedy and painless labour. You can do this.

@Bananamanfan I have been trying to do this (focus on what I want) and have been seeing a counsellor. It's not overt EA, it's more what he doesn't do than what he does. He is willing to help practically its only when I ask for emotional support he starts on about how bad I am. He says I'm EA. He also feels neglected since DC came along too.

Put yourself first and your dc, if you can move back in with your family do so you are supported during labour and post natally. You can decide what to do long term after you’ve had the baby. Only he can choose to change his attitude so try to disengage from him and any arguments. If people you know however vaguely offer support accept it, most people are very kind and will help. If your mother can’t help, someone else’s mother ( who has grown up children) will often be very supportive. Sending you unmumsnetty hugs and xx

Thanks @Emmageddon you're right, I need minimum stress until the birth and doing nothing is probably the best approach for now, it's just hard to be stoic when life is making so many demands and you have no one to give you a cuddle at the end of the day. I do get angry with him I can't help it.

I think he'd change his tune if you leave. And I mean actually walk out, you can't just threaten because he won't believe you. He's being horrible (I remember the pregnancy nightmares) and you deserve better. I think if he realised what he might lose then he might step up.
At this point, you have nothing to lose by walking away because one of you will break it off eventually in this situation. Show him that the way he is acting means you're going to leave. Right now you're allowing him to treat you like this! Why go to the effort of being nice and doing things for you if he doesn't have to.

@Figgypuddingandcustard and @rollingonariver I can't leave, I'm heavily pregnant and have a toddler. Family several hours away. This is my home and my children's home. I've tried to agree a practical, none emotional arrangement with him while we live together but he won't make it that easy. He says he'll forgive me then goes back to being the same.

I'm not sure you will be able to forgive him for the way he treating you at this time in your life. I honestly think the catalyst for him pulling his socks up may be you speaking honestly to midwives, drs, health visitors, family and friends about the state of your relationship in front of him.

This is a tough situation...because I'm a believer of accepting people as they are...he doesn't seem able to do this with you.

He isn't saying how you should change. Having young children can be very stressful...but he sounds exceedingly cold towards you.

Pregnancy and post birth are vulnerable times...his behaviour may very well tip you over the edge.

If forgiveness isn't within him for whatever it is....then you seriously need to consider how this situation is impacting on your mental health.